lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
Thank you everyone who sent me messages or texts or facebooks or LJ posts for my birthday!! ♥ Everyone made me feel so special :D

My birthday was actually quite good! My man is at AT training for the Army so he has something planned for next week (which, totally new concept having a partner who does something for my birthday. Like what? Does that really happen?!). My sister came home from Canada two weeks ago-- she couldn't afford living in Toronto so she moved back here and is getting back on her feet for a little while. I went out with her, Izzy and my best friend Alex for drinks and food. Which, is always interesting since two ounces of alcohol is all it takes to get me shit faced.

My dad came over today to take me out for lunch for my birthday and then we started planning out a patio for the front of the house. Part of me wonders if I am making a mistake by working on my house... what if the judge ends up saying that Peter and I have to sell the house and then all the hard work I've put in and money I've spent is basically thrown away? Then I remind myself that putting equity into property is never a bad thing and if I do have to sell, this will hopefully ensure my chances of at least breaking even, if not making a bit of money. I still am hoping that I will be granted 12-24 months to refinance the mortgage into my own name (I could never do it now on my own). Fingers crossed. I still need to actually be served and Peter seems to be in no rush to get that done.

I don't need the divorced until I want to get married again, so really I'm fine waiting. Gives me longer to save money and get through school!!

I am officially down 95lbs. For those who don't have me on facebook, I'll post some pictures beneath a cut :)

pictures )

The last outfit was what I wore to a job interview yesterday :)

Otherwise, things are good. I've been plugging away at a Destiel Big Bang I am co-writing with [livejournal.com profile] angelnovak and we've gotten over 35k written so far. I'm pretty excited about it! I also signed up for the [livejournal.com profile] sastiel_bigbang but have to contact my artist to come up with a plot. Missed fandom over the past few months!!
lotrspnfangirl: (life: RN Student)
Oh man, so things finally start to settle (husband wise) and school has come right in with a bang.

I've started my psych rotation which has been... fascinating so far. I have decided already that I want to be a psych nurse. I have always been interested in psychology and even though I've only had two clinical days so far? I am so in my element it's not even funny. The other seven people I am with have been horrified so far while we're there. I've been having a blast (and find my heart breaking for the patients that are there) and of course, realizing that I have to continue working on [livejournal.com profile] emmatheslayers fic Saving Grace because I miss it oh so much. And have realized many different mistakes and liberties I've taken as far as fiction goes, but hey.

Otherwise... My husband has decided that he's agreed to wait until May to file... and although he's 100% done and wants OUT... now he's okay with waiting? He's gotten me on a fucking rollar coaster of emotions. He pissed me off, so I may have kind of told him about the sexting thing from a few weeks ago... but I may have let him believe that something else happened. Well, he was bullshit, and then changed his mind about us being able to 'date' other people. He said that starting a sexual relationship right now isn't right for us or the other people since we're not ready. Um... Okay, I agree but... aren't YOU the one that doesn't want ME? He's all over the place.

We're trying to be 'friends'. I am going to go along with that until things are final. One? I don't want this to be awful, if we're getting divorced then we need to be amicable. Two? I still am holding out hope that he will wake the fuck up and decide to work on his marriage before it gets to that point. If it does? There's no way and no reason for us to be friends what so ever. We don't have kids, there's no reason for us to have any sort of relationship. So... we will see I guess.

I've been catching up on beta work -- thankfully, I was so behind-- and then I am trying to work on Oaks. It's been waaaay too long.

What's everyone's thoughts on last weeks Supernatural and Misha as Lucifer?!


Dec. 23rd, 2015 09:38 pm
lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
Alright, so, it's been a little while and I've been kind of MIA.

I've been going back and forth between taking a fandom break or not, and I think I am just going to stop picking up projects for now and focus on the things I can handle. My mind is not into writing -- I tried, and it's either been so completely depressing or just crap that I can't even look at it anymore. Graphics are okay, when I can sit still for more than 15 minutes. My anxiety has been really bad. I am thinking about calling them about getting something like ativan or valium but I don't want to start a new medication right before my surgery and have that cause some strange complication that will prevent me from having surgery.

So, I am having anxiety attacks a few times a day. The one I am having right now has lasted for... 45 minutes so far? I swear to God, I am being tortured by my husband. For someone with anxiety? This is just complete hell.

So... husband. Right. Well, he's still pretty set on the fact that he wants a divorce. I have his ring now and he's taken it upon himself to just act like an asshole every time we talk. He will 'always love me' and he 'cares about me' but he's not in love with me anymore and finds there's no reason to work on our marriage or our problems because walking away and getting divorced is just so much easier. Even though he's stated, and I quote, "all of our issues could be worked on or repaired, I just don't want to."

I am apparently unattractive -- looks or because I've gained a bunch of weight over the past few years, I don't know-- I am controlling and he's sick of feeling like he's not good enough. Oh, and don't forget (as he likes to remind me) he doesn't love me. Well, I don't know, but none of those sound like reasons for divorce without actually trying, but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.

So right now? I am at my mom's house. I moved out yesterday so that I can be here to get help with my surgery (which is in 5 days!) and also because I wanted him out of his parents house. They were making things way too easy for him -- buying him a bed, furnishing his room, getting him food and making him three meals a day... I mean, yeah, they're his parents, but you're going to enable your 25-year-old son to just walk out of his marriage without a reason? I mean, if there was abuse, cheating, substance use... okay. But really?

So now he has to do everything at the house. I gave him all of the bills to do, I am dropping off my laundry when he isn't home, he's got to bring the roommate back and forth. He has everything. And I am just at my mom's, with my laptop and PS4 and... it's kind of nice? Except I miss my home and my bed and my dogs. I miss him too, despite the way he's been treating me over the past month.

So day one? He's already texted me a bunch of times for clarification or help on the bills.

It may be foolish... but I am hoping that it kind of gives him a reality check and helps him get his head out of his ass to work on his marriage. Trust is going to be a huge thing we have to work on, there's a lot of things we have to work on, but as long as I am married I am going to fight.

Maybe that's stupid... but I don't know what else there is to do except continue to pray and continue to hold out hope.

Fix You

Dec. 2nd, 2015 09:00 am
lotrspnfangirl: (o: book love)

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Aug. 9th, 2015 03:02 am
lotrspnfangirl: (gw: T-swift beanified)
Gishwhes is over!!!

I had a blast all week with my team The Rainbow-Bombers and especially with [livejournal.com profile] emmatheslayer, [livejournal.com profile] pippin1983, and [livejournal.com profile] keywielder! Here's the list of stuff that we were able to complete because I have been dying to share things all week!!!

Let the craziness commence! )


lotrspnfangirl: (Default)

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