lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
Is pretty much kicking my ass. As well as screwing up with my schedule and I've been struggling to remember to take my anxiety meds which, shocker, means I've been struggling really bad with anxiety lately. I honestly don't believe there are many things worse than anxiety...

It's been effecting my school work, my daily life, and my relationships. It's been completely awful and Wednesday can not come fast enough. I am meeting with a therapist that I met with back five years ago when I was first diagnosed with my anxiety disorder, and I'm glad that she was able to take me back as a patient. I felt she was very easy to talk to, she was quick and figuring out how to help me, and I am crossing my fingers that she can help me get my anxiety under control sooner rather than later.

Every day I am struggling with feelings of self-depreciation and feeling unimportant. I am having an issue with someone who I consider to be my best friend and I am scared to get my anxiety under control for only one reason: part of me isn't sure if my anxiety is the reason we're having issues. Part of me is wondering if she's using my anxiety as an excuse. Time will tell on that front, I suppose, and I guess in reality it's better to know who your real friends are... but she was there for me more than anyone else through my divorce and it will be a huge loss if our relationship has truly changed.

Also, after my appointment, I booked myself a massage and facial and I am so ready for that. Like, so ready.
lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)

Day Two: Ten Likes and Dislikes
Likes: Fanfiction, Chocolate, Huskies, Diet Pepsi, Video Games, Food Network Channel, foot massages, my iphone, sleep.
Dislikes: Different levels of shampoo/conditioner, condiments, mushrooms, drama, ship-bashing, a messy kitchen, hanging laundry, wet peanut butter, olives, orange-flavored candy

Day Three: Your day, in great detail.
I woke up this morning to my alarm going off, and after seven consecutive snoozes (with my husky barking and demanding it was morning) I finally dragged myself out of the bed, got a good morning kiss from Erik, and found my pajama pants somewhere under the bed. I went pee (such relief in the morning!), weighed myself, and then made breakfast for the house hold. Okay, lunch. I made velveeta macaroni and cheese with hotdogs because we are so classy. I poured a lot of pepper over my macaroni so neither my boyfriend or roommate would eat what I couldn't finish and then I sat down on my brand new couch and started writing my Destiel big bang with <lj user="angelnovak">. I can't go into much more detail on that, since it IS a big bang, but we are finally writing some sex now that we're 50k words in!!! In a few hours I will be returning to bed since I work night shift tonight.

Day Four: The Meaning Behind Your Tumblr Name.
Tumblr name is lotrspnfangirl. I am a Lord of the Rings and Supernatural Fan girl. Although I am more active in the supernatural community, I was a LotR fan first and foremost and it will always b e a part of who I am.

Day Five: Five Places You Want to Visit
Venice, Greece, London, Spain, and Hawaii

Day Six: What Band or Musician is Important to You?
This is hard... music has always been an important part of my life. I would say the Rascal Flatts if I had to choose only one. Their music has always been relatable to me, in any stage of my life, and I listen to any one of their albums any time I am upset. They never fail to put me in a better mood!!

Day Seven: Do You Read? What are your favorite books?
Yes! Lately I've read only fanfiction... I stopped in the middle of reading Game of Thrones. My favorite books... I read Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings once a year, so probably those. But I read everything!!!

Day Eight: Three things you want to say to different people.
1. You didn't wreck me, as much as I thought you had. If anything, you set me free and I am grateful for that. It was hard to see, to realize, what I was compromising on, what I was giving up for myself, because I was so blinded by making you happy that I forgot there was two of us involved. Part of me will always love you, and I appreciate your part in making me who I am today, but I don't miss you anymore and I am much happier without you.
2. Everyone tells me that I should hate you, that I should get you out of my life, but I don't. I don't mind you, I think of you as my friend, and I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass in the end. Yes, you played sides. You talked some shit. But I think you're just immature and were trying to protect yourself. Don't prove me wrong.
3. I like you, a lot. But I'm also scared. Scared that maybe this could be real and scared that I could be just hoping it is. I have yet to figure it out, and maybe I never really will. Either way, I am enjoying every minute with you.

Day Nine: Pet Peeves
A wet sponge left in the sink instead of the holder. Different levels of shampoo and conditioner. Unrinsed dishes or dishes left in the living room for the dogs. Doors left open with the AC running. Shoes left inches in front of the shoe rack.
lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
Thank you everyone who sent me messages or texts or facebooks or LJ posts for my birthday!! ♥ Everyone made me feel so special :D

My birthday was actually quite good! My man is at AT training for the Army so he has something planned for next week (which, totally new concept having a partner who does something for my birthday. Like what? Does that really happen?!). My sister came home from Canada two weeks ago-- she couldn't afford living in Toronto so she moved back here and is getting back on her feet for a little while. I went out with her, Izzy and my best friend Alex for drinks and food. Which, is always interesting since two ounces of alcohol is all it takes to get me shit faced.

My dad came over today to take me out for lunch for my birthday and then we started planning out a patio for the front of the house. Part of me wonders if I am making a mistake by working on my house... what if the judge ends up saying that Peter and I have to sell the house and then all the hard work I've put in and money I've spent is basically thrown away? Then I remind myself that putting equity into property is never a bad thing and if I do have to sell, this will hopefully ensure my chances of at least breaking even, if not making a bit of money. I still am hoping that I will be granted 12-24 months to refinance the mortgage into my own name (I could never do it now on my own). Fingers crossed. I still need to actually be served and Peter seems to be in no rush to get that done.

I don't need the divorced until I want to get married again, so really I'm fine waiting. Gives me longer to save money and get through school!!

I am officially down 95lbs. For those who don't have me on facebook, I'll post some pictures beneath a cut :)

pictures )

The last outfit was what I wore to a job interview yesterday :)

Otherwise, things are good. I've been plugging away at a Destiel Big Bang I am co-writing with [livejournal.com profile] angelnovak and we've gotten over 35k written so far. I'm pretty excited about it! I also signed up for the [livejournal.com profile] sastiel_bigbang but have to contact my artist to come up with a plot. Missed fandom over the past few months!!
lotrspnfangirl: (life: RN Student)
Oh man, so things finally start to settle (husband wise) and school has come right in with a bang.

I've started my psych rotation which has been... fascinating so far. I have decided already that I want to be a psych nurse. I have always been interested in psychology and even though I've only had two clinical days so far? I am so in my element it's not even funny. The other seven people I am with have been horrified so far while we're there. I've been having a blast (and find my heart breaking for the patients that are there) and of course, realizing that I have to continue working on [livejournal.com profile] emmatheslayers fic Saving Grace because I miss it oh so much. And have realized many different mistakes and liberties I've taken as far as fiction goes, but hey.

Otherwise... My husband has decided that he's agreed to wait until May to file... and although he's 100% done and wants OUT... now he's okay with waiting? He's gotten me on a fucking rollar coaster of emotions. He pissed me off, so I may have kind of told him about the sexting thing from a few weeks ago... but I may have let him believe that something else happened. Well, he was bullshit, and then changed his mind about us being able to 'date' other people. He said that starting a sexual relationship right now isn't right for us or the other people since we're not ready. Um... Okay, I agree but... aren't YOU the one that doesn't want ME? He's all over the place.

We're trying to be 'friends'. I am going to go along with that until things are final. One? I don't want this to be awful, if we're getting divorced then we need to be amicable. Two? I still am holding out hope that he will wake the fuck up and decide to work on his marriage before it gets to that point. If it does? There's no way and no reason for us to be friends what so ever. We don't have kids, there's no reason for us to have any sort of relationship. So... we will see I guess.

I've been catching up on beta work -- thankfully, I was so behind-- and then I am trying to work on Oaks. It's been waaaay too long.

What's everyone's thoughts on last weeks Supernatural and Misha as Lucifer?!
lotrspnfangirl: (spn: Winchester pink)
Bare with me here, as I am on a lot of morphine right now and my eyes and fingers are not in time with my brain.

So! I a officailly on the 'losers' fence. Yesterday morning was my surgery and it went well. It was a three hour procedure, from start to recovery, and I am very happy today that I'm feeling better.

After I woke up from anethesia in a lot of pain (9/10 and 10/10) and found out they had me on a PCP for dilaudid which does nothing for me, I had the same issue wih my arm.I wonder if I should just list it as an allergy...

So anyways, I started this entire thing at 300lbs, and Sunday night I had my mother take 'before pictures' below. These pictures I weight 260lbs and I'm pretty sure I hadn't weighed this light since highschool! I'm going to put the pics under the cut. (Totally PG)

Read more... )

I still haven't gotten an idea of what the surgeon wants for a total weight loss, so I am going to have to ask him later this afternoon when i see him again.

There isn't much to update at the moment, mostly because I keep falling asleep. I have [livejournal.com profile] pippin1983 & [livejournal.com profile] angelnovak to thank for beta readin this post so that it made as much sense as it possibly could for you guys.

I will try to update once a week on my progress. That way, if people are interested they can follow along, and if they're not it's not in their news feed!

On an outside note... my husband actally texted me today to ask if everyhting was okay. I replied, but I was honestly shocked...


Dec. 23rd, 2015 09:38 pm
lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
Alright, so, it's been a little while and I've been kind of MIA.

I've been going back and forth between taking a fandom break or not, and I think I am just going to stop picking up projects for now and focus on the things I can handle. My mind is not into writing -- I tried, and it's either been so completely depressing or just crap that I can't even look at it anymore. Graphics are okay, when I can sit still for more than 15 minutes. My anxiety has been really bad. I am thinking about calling them about getting something like ativan or valium but I don't want to start a new medication right before my surgery and have that cause some strange complication that will prevent me from having surgery.

So, I am having anxiety attacks a few times a day. The one I am having right now has lasted for... 45 minutes so far? I swear to God, I am being tortured by my husband. For someone with anxiety? This is just complete hell.

So... husband. Right. Well, he's still pretty set on the fact that he wants a divorce. I have his ring now and he's taken it upon himself to just act like an asshole every time we talk. He will 'always love me' and he 'cares about me' but he's not in love with me anymore and finds there's no reason to work on our marriage or our problems because walking away and getting divorced is just so much easier. Even though he's stated, and I quote, "all of our issues could be worked on or repaired, I just don't want to."

I am apparently unattractive -- looks or because I've gained a bunch of weight over the past few years, I don't know-- I am controlling and he's sick of feeling like he's not good enough. Oh, and don't forget (as he likes to remind me) he doesn't love me. Well, I don't know, but none of those sound like reasons for divorce without actually trying, but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.

So right now? I am at my mom's house. I moved out yesterday so that I can be here to get help with my surgery (which is in 5 days!) and also because I wanted him out of his parents house. They were making things way too easy for him -- buying him a bed, furnishing his room, getting him food and making him three meals a day... I mean, yeah, they're his parents, but you're going to enable your 25-year-old son to just walk out of his marriage without a reason? I mean, if there was abuse, cheating, substance use... okay. But really?

So now he has to do everything at the house. I gave him all of the bills to do, I am dropping off my laundry when he isn't home, he's got to bring the roommate back and forth. He has everything. And I am just at my mom's, with my laptop and PS4 and... it's kind of nice? Except I miss my home and my bed and my dogs. I miss him too, despite the way he's been treating me over the past month.

So day one? He's already texted me a bunch of times for clarification or help on the bills.

It may be foolish... but I am hoping that it kind of gives him a reality check and helps him get his head out of his ass to work on his marriage. Trust is going to be a huge thing we have to work on, there's a lot of things we have to work on, but as long as I am married I am going to fight.

Maybe that's stupid... but I don't know what else there is to do except continue to pray and continue to hold out hope.

Fix You

Dec. 2nd, 2015 09:00 am
lotrspnfangirl: (o: book love)

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
lotrspnfangirl: (life: selfie icon)
So, I've been playing around with the idea of doing some crafts and seeing if I could get some extra money since I haven't been working as much with school. After a few real life events, I decided to go ahead and try. So! I've made an etsy shop. Right now I'm doing homemade Canvas prints and you can check them out here.

Depending on how things go, I'll be adding more images and perhaps more items.

I would love everyone's feedback, suggestions, anything! No obligation to actually purchase anything. ♥
lotrspnfangirl: (hp: read dan)
I have less than a month until school starts... and I'm kind of freaking out a bit.

I spend $30 on a planner today. $30!! I feel insane but I know my study habits, I don't understand how I get the grades that I do, and I know that things have to change for me to be successful in Nursing. It's a hell of a lot harder than business classes and I can't exactly bullshit things in this program. Which, you know, is good. But... Yeah. $30 for a planner?! Seriously.

I have to finish the rest of my clinical clearance by this weekend. Really, I just need to get my second TB implant and get the paperwork from work on the first. My Infection Control at my work wont plant me again for another two weeks -- she likes three weeks between plants. I'm pretty sure the rule is 2 weeks? Luckily on Tuesday, there's a free clinic at my school so I am just going to go there.

My schedule is going to be this:

Monday: Free lab
Tuesday: Lecture 9-12, babysitting 2-5
Wednesday: Lecture 9-11, Clinical 3-11
Thursday: Lab 9-12
Saturday: Work 2:30p-7a.

I am nervous about doing a double every weekend as well... But I don't know how to get my two shifts in otherwise. I know if I picked up days on the weekend, I would end up wanting to kill myself. I may be biased since evenings was the shift I was fulltime on, but I really just do not like the day staff. Individually, okay, they're fine. But there's zero teamwork and it drives me up a wall. If I have a person who needs to get on the toilet like five minutes ago and they're a 2 person transfer? I have to spend at least 15 minutes on day shift finding someone to help me. On eves or nights? I poke my head out of the room and maybe have to wait two minutes before I get someone.

So... yeah. A double every weekend. Then I'll sleep all day Sunday and restart. Maybe. Hopefully.

I'm glad we got the roommate though... that's at least something I won't have to worry about. And I agreed to babysit for Amanda on Tuesdays because she pays me $10 an hour and I can use that for coffee and lunches during the week, especially on my long day.

In fandom life... I still haven't finished my fic for [livejournal.com profile] slashorific. I feel like I'm close... but it makes me nervous every time I open my email because I'm waiting for them to be like, Oh! You're up tomorrow! I also haven't even started my [livejournal.com profile] spn_cinema *cringes*

One day at a time, I suppose. I'm off tomorrow so I am going to catch up on some beta work and hopefully get a chapter out. I am off at the end of the week as well but my Grandmother passed away on Tuesday so I'll be heading up to Tupperlake, New York on Thursday night for the funeral on Friday. I haven't decided if I am going to bring my laptop with me or not... It's going to be so weird being in the house without her there...
lotrspnfangirl: (spn: jared smile)
I did quick manips of the Supernatural Cast as Greek Gods for Gishwhes. No big deal. It's funny.

I was telling [livejournal.com profile] keywielder that I was going to tweet all of them their pictures. Just because, why not.

Samantha Ferris favorited my tweet of her as Hera.



I am freaking the fuck out right now. Like... my hands are shaking. So cool!!!

And then this... )


Aug. 9th, 2015 03:02 am
lotrspnfangirl: (gw: T-swift beanified)
Gishwhes is over!!!

I had a blast all week with my team The Rainbow-Bombers and especially with [livejournal.com profile] emmatheslayer, [livejournal.com profile] pippin1983, and [livejournal.com profile] keywielder! Here's the list of stuff that we were able to complete because I have been dying to share things all week!!!

Let the craziness commence! )


Jul. 29th, 2015 01:45 pm
lotrspnfangirl: (selfie icon)
Tagged by [livejournal.com profile] halliwell

1. Dani or Wifey
2. Light Blue
3. Depends on the month... LOL Lately, medium brown! It's closer to my natural light brown
4. I married my high school sweetheart at 19.
5. Cerulean Blue
6. York Beach, Maine
7. Oh god... Jensen Ackles. Jared Padalecki, Misha Collins...
8. Siberian Huskies ♥ and Tigers lol
9. Wonderwall by Oasis
10. Lord of the Rings ♥

I tag... [livejournal.com profile] ashtraythief, [livejournal.com profile] amberdreams, [livejournal.com profile] keywielder, [livejournal.com profile] oldbatj, [livejournal.com profile] pippin1983, [livejournal.com profile] ephermeralk, [livejournal.com profile] theatregirl7299, [livejournal.com profile] vexed_wench, [livejournal.com profile] shenova, [livejournal.com profile] emmatheslayer, [livejournal.com profile] firesign10, [livejournal.com profile] elwarre, [livejournal.com profile] cozy_coffee, [livejournal.com profile] alexisjane, [livejournal.com profile] lanalucy, [livejournal.com profile] reeby10, [livejournal.com profile] rubyelf, [livejournal.com profile] scorchedangel, [livejournal.com profile] denyce, [livejournal.com profile] milly_gal.

If you've already done this, ignore this :D
lotrspnfangirl: (Pride)
Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] alexisjane at Finally...

Love just won.

Posted by Barack Obama on Friday, 26 June 2015

Good job, 'Merica ♥
lotrspnfangirl: (ackleholic)
So I am home! I had my surgery yesterday afternoon and ended staying overnight at the hospital due to pain control. I guess when I came out of the anesthesia I was crying a lot... I do remember starting to cry when I saw my husband but not much after. Apparently they wouldn't let my mother or my mother in law come to see me in recovery because of it.

The surgery went well though, he was able to do it all laproscopically but since my gallbladder was so inflamed, I ended up with 5 incision sites instead of the three. He said to me after that maybe they shouldn't have waited the entire two weeks because it was very close to rupturing (We will just not insert my comments here).

But, it's done, and it's out, and this different pain will hopefully start to heal and disperse within the next couple of days. After a mini melt down at the pharmacy (they changed my prescription by scratching and editing, which isn't acceptable on a narcotic so I wasn't able to fill it and my hubby had to work. Thankfully my sister was able to go back to the hospital for me and get it all worked out) I am now home and relaxing and settling down to read and beta :)

Oh quick fic question!! Does anyone know the name of this fic or if it's even in english??

"There is a russian fic that this is attached to, where one of the Boys is a Creator of Worlds and the other one is a Destroyer of Worlds. And they fall in this absolutely destructive love and can't change who that are. I never read it, but it sounds amazing !"

Picture under Cut )
lotrspnfangirl: (jake-gasm)
Or, well, almost.

My parents are flying back from Ireland this afternoon which means I will be able to spend the night in my own bed. My parents house feels like home, I'm always completely comfortable here, but I have had THE worst night sleep without my husband or puppies cuddling with me.

I miss my babies.

Kairi and Bandit )
lotrspnfangirl: (laughing)
Oh man.

So, my lucky mother and step father are in Ireland. So I am like, completely jealous. I get to have my St. Patrick's Day beer in the regular old cold of New Hampshire from my couch in pajamas.

While they're there, I have been staying at my mom's house to watch my Grandfather to make sure he's taking his medication and eating and just incase he needed anything. I figured I would be able to bang out a lot of writing -- no work, no dogs to distract me, perfect, right? Yeah.

I have gotten zero sleep! I was reading a fic on AO3 that I couldn't put down, so I ended up staying up until 4 am on Sunday and then the phone started ringing right at 8am and hasn't stopped for three freaking days. When it wakes up my Grandfather, he gets up and watches TV. Which is fine, but I am a light sleeper and there goes any chance of a nap!!

I had my hubby bring me the biggest coffee ever though, and I am cracking down and working on my bills and then I will be writing. Wish me luck!!

Hopefully I get writing done before I start drinking. That might not end up the best otherwise ;)
lotrspnfangirl: (Default)
My grandfather fell down my parent's basement stairs today... Cracked his head on the baseboard and lost consciousness. Diagnosis? Subdural Hematoma. Problem? His Coumadin. They're concerned about his bleeding, there's a lot of pressure in his brain and they've started him on potassium to counteract the Coumadin but now they're concerned about his risk of a stroke.

So, spent my night in the ER, explaining all of the medical terminology to my mother. She is definitely a computer person for a reason. The ER was super busy so on a few occasions I had to assist my grandfather with things that I think he would have preferred I didn't... He had an accident, so I helped him change. I kept an eye on the bleeding from his head and changed the linen behind him. Small things... but I much prefer being a nurse to other people's grandparent's instead of my own.

He was admitted to the ICU so my hubby took me out to get something to eat. And a scorpion bowl (or.. well... 3?) to make me feel a bit better. I was planning on writing my next chapter tonight but I don't think that's going to happen. I suppose it will have to wait until tomorrow. Luckily, I have the entire day off and a new bottle of Pino Grigio waiting for me!


lotrspnfangirl: (Default)

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