Screaming Color - Ch.12 Clean

[lotrspnfangirl]

Title: Screaming Color (12/14)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Warnings: Past abuse (physical and emotional), referenced rape/non-con
Disclaimer: I do not personally know, nor do I own, Jensen or Jared. This is purely fictional.
Summary (shortened): Jared escapes his hometown, and his past, for a fresh start in the bright and busy city of New York. Jensen has been stationed in the city for the better part of the last four years. When they finally get together, neither one wants to let their fears or scars hold them back. But when the world around you doesn’t actually know you, and the demons of your past threaten to break you, can love really conqueror all?
A/N: Any feedback is welcome! It fuels the fire :) *gasp* It only took me a day!
Other stories/chapters can be found in the Fiction Index





Chapter Twelve: Clean
So I punched a hole in the roof,
Let the floor carry away all my pictures of you.
The water filled my lungs,
I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing.
Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean.
‘Clean’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.



Jensen swallowed hard, the room spinning around him. He could hear people shouting, trying to speak to him, but he couldn’t respond. None of them were Jared. Where was Jared? Pain ripped up his leg and he reached down, fingers slick against the brace. He raised his hand, fingertips shining and red, he could feel something wet on his face. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to breathe, to stay focused. Why was he bleeding? What happened?! Jared, where was Jared?

“I don’t know what happened, we just got here!” Mom? He blinked his eyes a few times, turning his head to the side. There were men in uniform milling around the room, some with cameras, some talking in radios. A man knelt beside him, fiddling around with his arm. He wanted to rip it away, tell him not to touch him, but all he could do was groan.

When did all of these people get here? He swallowed hard, his throat constricting against him and he gagged, gasping for air. Last he remembered… He let Chad into the house… and then he was in the bedroom and Jared was offering to go with him, to keep him safe.

Jared… Fuck, where was Jared?

“He’s awake!” The man said, a flashlight suddenly blinding him. “Mr. Ackles, do you know where you are? Try not to move. Can you tell me where you hurt?”

“Jared.” He forced out, moving his head away from the intense gaze of the EMT. “Jared?!”

“Right now I am going to worry about you.” Jensen ignored him, letting him go about his business, moving around his body. He ignored the questions and tried to find his mother, he knew he had heard her voice, knew she would tell him where Jared was.

He looked up and saw red splashed against the wall. He blinked at it, the start contrast of red to white was almost blinding. He closed his eyes, all he could see was red.

“Ma’am, he shot an officer.” Who shot an officer? He blinked his eyes open, eyes scanning the wall again. Blood. Jared had gotten his gun, and Chad had his gun… Did Chad shoot Jared? Did Jared shoot Chad? Jensen’s heart clenched painfully and he struggled to sit up, to tell them what really happened, what he remembered anyways.

“I don’t give a damn what he did.” His mother fired back, and he found her then. Her hair was falling out of its bun, her eyes wide and cheeks streaked with tears. “You said yourself that he wasn’t an NYPD Officer! This was self defense--”

“Ma’am, we are just doing our job.”

“Mom?” Jensen called out, trying to get his voice louder, to get her attention.

“Mr. Ackles, please. You need to calm down so I can--”

“No! Mom!” He tried to push the man away, his arms shaking with the effort and another jolt of pain ripping through him. He could feel the room spinning again, dots flooding his eyes. “Mom?”

“I’m here baby.” Her hands were in his in a second, cradling his hand to her chest. “I’m here, and Mackenzie went with Jared. Don’t worry, baby, okay?”

“It wasn’t...” He felt nausea roll through him and he struggled to keep conscious. “I don’t remember… But Chad! It was Chad…”

“Hush.” She whispered, pressing her lips to his hand. He could feel his hand was damp and he didn’t know if she was crying, or if it was blood. “Let them take care of you.” She whispered. He opened his mouth to reply, to beg to see Jared, to ask where Chad was, to find out what happened, but darkness claimed him.

***

When Jensen came to again, he was lying in a hospital bed, hooked back up to monitors screaming at him. He sighed, pressing the heel of his palms into his eyes. If he never saw another hospital room again…

“Jenny?” A soft whisper came from his side. His eyes whipped open and he found Mackenzie’s tear filled ones staring back at him. “Hey.”

“Don’t cry.” He whispered, twisting his fingers around hers.

“Can you just stop?” She whispered closing her eyes as two fat tears slipped down her cheek, falling onto her chest. “Do you have to put yourself in life threatening situations?”

“Mack…” He sighed, closing his eyes again. “Where is Jared?”

“You don’t want to know how you are?” He shot her a look, and couldn’t bother to feel guilty when she shrunk back. She sighed, dropping his hand and leaning back into her chair. “He got out of surgery… but he’s refusing to see any one. He refused me, Mom, his own parents… The only one he’s talking to is his lawyer.”

“What? Surgery? Why won’t he see you?” Jensen asked, shaking his head confused.

“I don’t know why, he won’t talk to us.” She whispered, looking down. “You don’t remember what happened?”

“No…” He closed his eyes, trying to think back. “Why won’t he see you?”

“He probably feels guilty…” Mackenzie whispered and Jensen felt a surge of anger.

“Excuse me?” He demanded, shifting himself on the bed and ignoring the pain that he was given in return. Mackenzie steeled herself and met his gaze.

“I said, he probably feels guilty. I told him he was more than welcome to come to stay with us with you. He knew this freak was around and harassing him and he knowingly put you in danger. You could have died, again Jensen! What the hell? He should--“

“Don’t you dare.” Jensen hissed. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I made the choice to stay, me, not him. And he was willing to go with Chad to make sure I was safe. He has nothing to feel guilty for, nothing at all. And don’t you dare act like he does.” Fresh tears spilled down his sister’s cheeks but she kept silent, staring at the floor. “Now, if you can’t talk to me without blaming Jared? Then I need you to get Mom. Or someone else that will talk to me.”

“I’ll do that.” She fired at him, jumping to her feet and running out the door, slamming it behind her. He cursed, letting his eyes fall closed again.

Did Jared really blame himself? If anything, it was Jensen’s own fault for letting Chad into the house; for not asking for ID or even checking the uniform completely. He let himself freak out and it almost cost him Jared. He felt the familiar heat of tears stinging behind his eyes and he fought against them, willing himself to stay calm until he knew everything.

“Hey, Jensen.” His mom’s voice was soft as she slipped into the room. “You hurt Mackenzie’s feelings.”

“I don’t care right now, Mom. She pissed me off.” He replied watching as she lowered herself into the chair Mackenzie had just vacated. The feeling of déjà vu threatened to overwhelm him and he finally felt guilty about attacking his sister. This had to be just as hard on them as it was for him…

“Your father and Josh are here.” She said, reaching for his hand and patting it gently. “Should I send them in?”

“No, Mom. I want to know what happened to Jared.” He shook his head, pleading with her. “I don’t… I remember Jared getting the gun, and I heard the shot… but…” He furrowed his brow, and his mom stayed silent, squeezing his hand gently.

The shot echoed as Jared pulled the trigger, the force of the gun knocking Jared’s hand up a few inches and the bullet going wide, hitting the wall. Chad moved, lightning quick as turned the gun towards Jared, firing once, then twice.

“Jared!” Jensen heard himself scream, the sound ripping through him as he launched himself forward, ignoring the pain in his leg, the painful noise that tore out of Chad, and dragged himself to Jared’s collapsed form on the ground. “Jared!”

Jared’s hands moved wildly, reaching out for Jensen, his pupils blown wide.

“Jensen.” He choked out. “I can’t… Fuck…” Bright red blood was blossoming across Jared’s stomach and chest, and Jensen lurched forward, pressing their hands against the wounds.

“It’s okay baby, it’s going to be okay.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he scanned the room, looking for something to help, anything.

“You piece of shit!” A fist connected to the side of his head and he was ripped away from Jared’s body, falling onto his back with Chad kneeling over him. “Look what you did! Look what you did!” He screamed, his fists pounding into Jensen’s chest and stomach over and over again. Jensen raised his arms, trying to protect his face and buck Chad off of him.

“Fuck!” He swore as Chad knelt on his leg, the pain almost causing him to black out.

“Jare baby…” Chad was sobbing as he dragged himself off of Jensen and over to Jared.

“Jen?” Jared whispered, blood bubbling to the corner of his lips.

“Fuck you, Jared!” Chad screamed, gripping Jared’s shoulders and yanking him up. “You don’t need him! I am all you need! We are all we need!”

“Let him go!” Jensen yelled as Jared screamed out. “Let him go!” Chad continued to shake Jared’s shoulders and Jensen’s stomach clenched as Jared’s eyes rolled back and he went limp in Chad’s arms. Jensen’s moved to push himself up again, his hand falling on Chad’s forgotten pistol. He gripped it tightly, rising it up and pulling the trigger without a second thought. Chad and Jared fell together, slumping on the ground.

“Jared…” Jensen whispered, dragging himself forward. Blood… wet… sticky. “Jared.” He said again, forcing himself to focus on Jared’s body, his face upturned to the ceiling, eyes closed.

“Jared!” He yelled out, eyes wide as he spun on his mother. She was crying, nodding her head slowly before standing up to envelope him in her arms.




“Jared?” Angela’s voice was soft, but firm and he knew she was seconds away from touching him if he didn’t respond.

“What do you want me to say, Angela?” He whispered, blinking his eyes open to stare up at the ceiling.

“Well, for one, I’ve kept the police away from both you and Jensen but I’m not going to be able to do it much longer. You’re going to have to give your statements. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell your family and his every time I step out of this room and get bombarded with questions.”

“I have nothing to say.” He swallowed hard, feeling his throat tighten again.

“Jensen’s awake.” She whispered and Jared let his eyes fall closed again, ignoring her. “Jared?”

“Are we done?” He asked, shifting onto his side and ignoring the pain that blossomed across his stomach and chest. “I have to get up and use the bathroom.”

“You can’t avoid this anymore Jared.” Angela’s voice was still quiet but he could hear the anger in her words. He heard her push the chair back and her quick steps across the floor, her heels clicking against the linoleum. “Hiding is what got you into this situation, Jared. Don’t do it again.”

When the door clicked shut, he let the tears fall.

***

“Mr. Padalecki?” He opened his eyes as a nurse walked into the room, pushing her cart in with her.

“Door please.” Jared said, watching for her to shut the door. She nodded for a moment, sighing slightly.

“Do you have any pain?”

“I’m fine.”

“Jared…” She said, clicking around on the computer a few times. “If you don’t keep up with your pain medication it’s going to be--”

“I am fine. Thank you.” Jared said, cutting her off. She took a step across the room and poked him in the stomach. Even though the touch was gentle, it sent pain ripping through him and he couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped.

“Mmm.” She said, turning back away from him. “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

“What?” Jared asked, turning to face her completely now. “No… Why would you ask that?”

“Well, you’re a young man who has been through a traumatic experience who is now refusing all contact with his family and the people that love him. You are in excruciating pain to the point where you’re making a point to use plastic urinals instead of getting up to take care of business in the bathroom. You’re refusing pain medications, actually, all medications and you haven’t been eating or drinking.” He stared at her for a second before turning away again to let his head sink into a pillow. “We are here to help you, Jared.” She said softly.

“I don’t need your help.” He whispered back and didn’t relax until she left the room, leaving him alone again.

***


“JARED!” Jared’s eyes snapped open at his name, his body twitching at every pound against the door. “Jared, open the fucking door!”

“Sir!” He heard a nurse’s voice in join the first, her voice condescending. “You can’t--”

“Like hell I can’t.” Jensen growled back and Jared’s stomach clenched. He should have expected this… “I am not leaving until he lets me in!”

“Mr. Ackles! This is not appropriate. You can’t barge into other patient’s rooms! This patient has asked not to be disturbed and…”

“And he’s going to get over himself. JARED! Open this door NOW!” Jensen resumed his kicking and hitting on the door. “Fucking sedate me then!” Jared sighed, grimacing as he pulled himself up in bed with the side rail. He opened the door to see an angry Jensen in a wheelchair, ripping his arm out of the nurses’ grasp. “Fuck!” He swore, glaring at Jared as he pushed himself into the room.

“Mr. Padalecki, I’m so sorry, just let me…” The nurse tried to follow Jensen into the room but Jared stopped her, shaking his head.

“He’s fine.” He said, and she looked between them slowly. She slipped out of the room, her expression still guarded and worried.

“What the fuck Jared.” Jensen said, his voice returned to normal when Jared turned around to face him. “You’ve been refusing our family for four days, me for four days.”

“I’m sorry.” Jared looked away, moving to sink back down on the bed, trying not to show the pain he felt on his face. He deserved this anyways…

“Jay…” Jensen shifted forward in the chair, reaching for his hand and pulling it against his lips. When the soft heat of Jensen’s lips touched his skin he shivered.

“Jensen.” He tried to pull back but Jensen tightened his grip.

“You have no idea how worried I was about you. They wouldn’t tell me anything at first, I had to get it from your mom. And even then, the only reason they let her talk to me was because you hadn’t seen her. I just got finished giving my statement to the police and cleared to come see you and that’s the first thing I did.”

“I’m okay.” Jared whispered, nodding his head. He didn’t know who he was trying to convince.

“You’re not.” Jensen replied, tilting his head to get Jared to look at him.

“Do you know how fucked up this is?” Jared finally pulled away from Jensen, hating the look he put on his face, knowing he was the reason it was there. He gasped, tears stinging the back of his throat and eyes. “None of this should have ever happened. I never should have put you in danger. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.”

“What are you talking about Jared?” Jensen shook his head, his own tears filling his eyes. “What the hell are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that I’m not good for you. I fucked up, and it almost got you killed. And now… God, now Chad is dead and they’re going to be rooting through your life, digging up anything they can to get you in trouble, and I just… I should have never of let you…” He trailed off with a sob, refusing to speak the words.

“Don’t do this, Jared.” Jensen whispered, the silence pressing down on them. Jared closed his eyes, letting the tears fall down his face. He bit the inside of his cheek, the coppery taste of blood crashing into his tongue. He refused to acknowledge it… He would wait until Jensen accepted this, say his piece about how much Jared fucked up his life, and leave. Only then would Jared be okay to fall apart.

He jumped, eyes flying open when the bed beside him dipped. Jensen was pushing himself up onto the bed, arms shaking as he did so.

“What are you doing?” Jared whispered.

“Look at me.” Jensen got himself situated, his leg resting on the wheelchair and Jared leaned forward to check the brakes, not wanting the chair to move on accident. “Stop stalling, and look at me.” Jared nodded slowly, turning his entire body to face Jensen. Jensen’s eyes were the brightest green he had ever seen them, the intensity was overwhelming.

“What?” He asked after a minute.

“Do you love me?” Jensen whispered, eyes flashing.

“Of course I do.” Jared replied, shaking his head. “That doesn’t--”

“Do you feel safe with me?” Jensen cut him off, reaching for his hand again.

“I’ve always felt safe with you.”

“Do you think your life would be easier without me?”

“Jen… I think your life would be easier.”

“Jared, please. Answer me.” Jensen let his eyes fall closed, pain dancing across his face.

“No, I don’t think it would be easier. I think it would be a hell of a lot more miserable.”

“I want you to kiss me.” Jensen’s eyes flew open again and Jared felt his mouth go dry. He swallowed hard before leaning forward and capturing Jensen’s lips in a chaste kiss. “Jared… don’t leave me.” His whisper sent a shock through Jared’s body and a tear slipped down his cheek, falling onto the back of Jared’s hand still clasped in Jensen’s.

“Jensen…” Jared squeezed his hand, reaching up to grab the back of his neck and pull them together. Jensen gasped into his mouth, gripping his hands in Jared’s shirt and pulling them even closer. Jared felt himself crying, and he forced everything he had into their kiss. He let his mouth fall open until he couldn’t tell where he stopped and Jensen began. Jensen was all he could taste, all he could see and feel.

“It’s my choice Jared. It’s mine. And I love you, I need you. I almost lost you… And he’s gone, okay? He’s gone. It’s just us, you and me. And I’ll take care of you. I promise you I will take care of you, I’ll never hurt you and I’ll always love you. Trust me, don’t close me out. Please Jared.” Jensen’s entire body was shaking and Jared opened his arms, letting Jensen fall into them. “Please.”

“Okay.” Jared whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“We are going to get through this.” Jensen whispered against the hollow of his throat, sending a shiver down his spine. “We are.” Jared nodded slowly, knowing Jensen was trying to convince them both. “Just don’t let go.”

Jared shifted back on the bed, laying down and helping Jensen get his leg into place on the bed before opening his arms again. Jensen stretched across his side, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist, his face buried into his neck.

“I’m sorry.” Jared whispered, listening as Jensen’s breathing started to even out. “I’m so sorry this happened…”

“Jared…” Jensen looked up, cupping his face. “Everything happens for a reason, okay? When you fell… All I could see was the blood… I thought you died. I thought you had left me, and it broke me. But you’re here. I’m here. And we’re going to get through this, okay?”

“I love you, so much.” Jared whispered, kissing Jensen softly.

“I love you too.” Jensen smiled back at him. Jared watched as he reached over their bodies, pressing the call bell. “You need to take your medication. I heard them bitching about you at the nurses station. And you need to stop blaming yourself, and stop feeling guilty. And Jay? Happy Valentine's Day.”

Jared nodded, closing his eyes and breathing in Jensen’s scent. He had almost lost Jensen again… He kissed Jensen’s neck, feeling the steady beat of his pulse under his lips. And he tried to relax. Jensen was here, he was alive, and he was still fighting for them.



Jensen had stopped outside of the door, reaching back to find Jared’s hand waiting for him, and they walked into Jared’s apartment together. He could remember the way Jared’s hand shook in his, and the moment the door was closed behind them, he didn’t feel ashamed at checking the lock three times before finally allowing himself to go deeper into the apartment. That had been two weeks ago, and still, they were both checking locks on windows and doors, barely straying from each other in the house.

Jensen looked up from the book he was reading on the couch, surprised to see Jared wasn’t in the living room anymore. He pushed off the couch, telling himself the dread that filled his stomach was irrational. Chad was gone, and they were safe. He peeked into the bedroom, seeing it was empty, and shuffled as fast as he could into the kitchen. He had been brace free for almost a month now, most of his therapy was completed between the hospital and his parent’s house, but when he found himself resting for too long in one position, it stiffened up and was completely unforgiving.

He had been released from the hospital a few days after he had been admitted, his parents taking him to their house just outside of the city. For once, he was grateful they had moved up to New York with him, not wanting to be too far away from their son. He convinced his therapists that he would be better off doing PT on his leg at the hospital itself in outpatient, and was able to visit with Jared every night until visiting hours were over.

Now, it was almost the end of April, and Jensen couldn’t believe how fast the time had flown.

“Jay?” He called out, trying to swallow down his panic.

“Balcony!” He instantly relaxed when Jared called back to him, and he made his way to the sliding doors, slipping out of them. Jared was leaning against the railing, his hair pushed back and held there by his sunglasses. “Hey.” He smiled and Jensen melted. It had been far too long since a smile from Jared was truly this sincere.

“Hey… didn’t know where you went. What are you doing?” Jensen slipped into one of the chairs, stretching his leg out before him. Jared watched him carefully, asking him silently if his leg was good. He nodded, and met Jared’s eyes, waiting.

“I’m just out here thinking.” Jared shrugged, taking his place in the other chair, crossing his legs at the ankles.

“About?”

“You know we’ve almost been together for a year.” He smiled, looking at Jensen. “Can you believe that?” Jensen thought for a moment, surprised when he realized Jared was right and relieved at the same time.

“Wow… shit…” Jensen chuckled.

“I know. Amazing, isn’t it? So… I was thinking…” He trailed off and Jensen felt the familiar clench in his stomach. Jared had been having a multitude of revelations lately, his moods changing drastically as he fought with the guilt over what happened and the pressing need he had to be strong, thinking that was the only way he would be good for Jensen.

Jensen held his breath, knowing that last night had been a bad night for them. He had woken up screaming… Something had crashed in the apartment next door, and he had flown out of the bed, panicking when he couldn’t find his gun, and it had taken far too long for Jared to calm him down enough to realize where he was. He scanned over Jared’s arms, looking for any bruises he might have left, even though Jared had reassured him for hours that he was alright.

What if Jared didn’t want this anymore?

“I want to get out of the city.” He said softly, his eyes moving slowly to meet Jensen’s. “Not far... I know your friends are here, and I still want to stay at the hospital… but this building? This building holds a lot of crap for us, you know? And… Well…” Jared looked down again and Jensen suddenly realized he was nervous.

“Jay…” He said slowly, shifting forward on the chair.

“We have had a lot of things happen to us… and I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with lately.” Jared smiled shyly and looked down into his lap. One of his hands were rubbing his stomach slowly, and Jensen burned at the thought that Chad had gotten to him again. “I just… I know what happened, I watched it happen, but sometimes I can’t believe that he’s really gone, you know? I keep expecting him to come waltzing back into my life, threatening you and what we have, and it scares me. Or, well, it did.”

“It did?” Jensen prodded gently, watching a multitude of emotions play across his boyfriend’s face.

“It did. I was sitting out here and watching all of the people down in the street, living their lives. And I thought… how many of them have had something bad happen to them? Every single one of them. Everyone has bad things happen to them, and no one else can compare their own bad experiences to yours. You have to own them, they’re a part of you.” He sighed, pressing his fingers against the jagged scar on his lower stomach, the first physical scar Chad had given him. “And I realized that I had to do that. I needed to own it.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, trying to understand where Jared was going with this conversation.

“Chad fucked me up.” Jared said, facing Jensen head on. “He hurt me, he scared me, and he threatened you. But he won’t change me. I can’t let that happen. And by holding onto him, what he did and how he made me feel? That’s changing me. I am done with him. He can’t hurt me anymore. I have the scars that will remind me every day of what I’ve gone through, but he’s not a part of it anymore. I feel… I feel free of him, scrubbed clean and new.

“I want us to live together.” He said after a pause, eyes flicking up again. “I mean, really live together. Not, stay at one apartment but pay for two. I… There’s a posting for a realtor at work and I took down her number…”

“Jared, yes.” Jensen’s felt himself smiling at the sudden change of the conversation. He reached for Jared’s hand, still nodding like an idiot. “Yes, a million times yes. God, I am so proud of you.”

“Really?” Jared’s eyes danced as he swung his legs over the chair, tucking his knee between Jensen’s legs.

“Yes, really. I think it’s a fantastic idea. I… Yes, God, Jared.” Jared laughed happily and it warmed Jensen’s entire body. “Come here.” Jared shifted forward, crushing their lips together. Jensen tangled his hand through Jared’s hair, kissing him slowly, exploring every inch of his mouth. “You make me so happy.” He whispered against Jared’s lips.

“Come inside.” Jared smiled, helping him into a standing position. “I… I want you to make love to me.” He whispered against Jensen’s neck, sending shivers down his spine. Realizing the impact of his words, Jensen looked up, searching Jared’s face carefully. “He can’t have that anymore, he can’t have any part of me. Please?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, wrapping his arms around Jared and kissing him. “Yeah, of course baby.”

They made their way into the bedroom slowly, kissing and pulling off articles of clothing as they went. Jensen made a point to shower every inch of Jared’s body with attention. They fell onto the bed, Jensen immediately covering Jared’s body with his own, pressing against him and kissing him deeply.

“I love you, so much, Jared.” He whispered into Jared’s mouth, sucking his lower lip as his hands ran up Jared’s sides.

“Love you, Jen.” Jared whispered back, groaning as he bucked his hips up, pressing them together. Jared’s body was hot, burning against him in the most delicious way. Jensen kissed him softly, reaching up to the nightstand for the supplies.

“On your side.” He said softly, pressing against Jared’s hip. “I don’t think my leg will hold out any other way.” Jared chuckled softly, rolling to his side and reaching up to pull Jensen’s head down for a kiss. Jensen flicked open the cap of the lubricant bottle, coating up his fingers before tossing it behind them on the bed. He pressed himself against Jared’s back, his free hand slipping underneath Jared’s body and wrapping around his chest, his fingers dancing across Jared’s nipples.

“Tease.” Jared whispered, arching his head back to lay on Jensen’s shoulder. “We haven’t done this since our camping trip…” Jensen nodded, kissing his cheek. He ran his hand down Jared’s side, curling around his ass to find his entrance. Jared bent his leg up, shifting his hips back to give Jensen better access.

"You’re so beautiful.” Jensen whispered rubbing circles at Jared’s entrance, waiting for the muscle to relax before pressing in. Jared moaned his response, biting his lower lip into his mouth. Jensen took his time opening him up, twisting his fingers in slow circles, his other hand brushing against the scars on Jared’s stomach and chest.

When Jared started to push back onto his fingers, he added a second and then a third, twisting them around until Jared was twisting with him, moaning loudly and clenching down around him.

“Jensen, please.” He whimpered, twisting his fingers with Jensen’s hand on his chest. “I need to feel you, just you.” He whispered and Jensen nodded, withdrawing his fingers and pumping his own length, coating it with the leftover lube on his hand.

“Are you sure?” He whispered, shifting his hips closer.

“I’ve never been more sure.” Jared nodded, looking over his shoulder to meet his eyes. Jensen nodded, holding his gaze as he guided himself into Jared’s body, his hand gripping the back of Jared’s knee and pulling it up further. Jared groaned, eyes fluttering closed as Jensen slid in completely, their bodies flush against one another.

“Jay… So tight…” Jensen whispered, kissing across Jared’s shoulders and waiting for Jared’s body to adjust to him.

“Love you, love you so much.” Jared replied, pushing back to let Jensen know he was ready. Jensen pulled back, working his way in and out of Jared’s body slowly. They kissed slowly, pushing against each other, their hands intertwined, gripping at one another as if their lives depended on it.

Jensen heard Jared’s breath hitch, and he knew he was close. He slipped his hand free from Jared’s leg, running it across his lower stomach until he found Jared’s hard and hot length. He wrapped his fingers around the heated flesh, squeezing gently as he started jacking his hand to the same rhythm as his hips.

“Jensen!” Jared gasped, his body clenching down on him, fingers digging into Jensen’s arms. “God, Jen… So good.”

“Come on baby, come with me.” Jensen moaned into Jared’s ear, slipping his tongue along the lower lobe before sucking into his mouth. Jared tightened around him again and he moaned, eyes fluttering closed as he pressed himself deeper and harder against Jared.

He heard Jared’s cry, his release spilling over their combined hands and Jensen let himself go, burying himself deep inside of Jared’s body. Jared was everything, all around him, surrounding him and filling every part of him that had been missing or broken.

A sob escaped from Jared’s throat and Jensen’s eyes flew open. He slipped out of Jared’s body, pulling Jared into his chest. He held onto him as Jared cried, whispering softly to him and kissing across his forehead.

"I’m sorry.” Jared whispered, his shoulders shaking slightly as he kissed Jensen’s chest. “I’m just… So happy.”

“I love you, so much.” Jensen smiled down on him, pulling back so he could claim Jared’s mouth. “Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.”

“No, Jen.” Jared shook his head, carding his fingers through Jensen’s hair, now long enough to tangle into. “Thank you.” Jensen smiled, moving to tuck them underneath the covers before kissing him softly again.