Screaming Color - Ch. 4 All You Had To Do Was Stay

[lotrspnfangirl]

Title: Screaming Color (4/14)
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Warnings: Past abuse (physical and emotional), referenced rape/non-con
Disclaimer: I do not personally know, nor do I own, Jensen or Jared. This is purely fictional.
Summary (shortened): Jared escapes his hometown, and his past, for a fresh start in the bright and busy city of New York. Jensen has been stationed in the city for the better part of the last four years. When they finally get together, neither one wants to let their fears or scars hold them back. But when the world around you doesn’t actually know you, and the demons of your past threaten to break you, can love really conqueror all?
A/N: Any feedback is welcome! It fuels the fire :)
Other stories/chapters can be found in the Fiction Index

”Here you are now, calling me up
But I don’t know what to say
I’ve been picking up the pieces, of the mess you made
People like you, always want back
The love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever"
'All You Had To Do Was Stay' by Taylor Swift, 1989




“Dude, I’m so going to kick your ass tonight.” Jensen laughed, holding the phone with his shoulder against his ear as he fumbled with his keys. “I’m just stopping at my place to grab the game.”
“Well hurry up! Beer’s getting warm.” Jared’s laughed back at him, the sound warming every corner of Jensen’s body.

“Be right down, are you always this impatient?”

“It’s one of my more charming qualities.” Jared quipped before hanging up.

“Charming.” Jensen chuckled to himself as he tossed his jacket in a living room chair and grabbed his extra controller and copy of Destiny. The moment he reached Jared’s door, it was flung open for him. He smiled as he pushed by Jared who had an exaggerated look of exasperation on his face.

“Finally!” He said, shutting the door behind them and following Jensen into the living room. There was a beer and a coke sitting on the coffee table.

“Not drinking?” Jensen asked, throwing Jared a confused look. He bent down to slide the disk into the playstation and sat on the couch.

“No, I’m on call this weekend.” Jared threw himself into the couch beside Jensen, their legs pressed against each others. Jensen smiled, tossing him the controller. Since their ‘second date’ last Monday, Jensen had seen Jared almost daily. They had done dinner twice last week and Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and realized they were both into video games. Friday Jensen had surprised him on his way to work with a coffee in the lobby.

“I’m just going to have to drink for both of us then.” Jensen winked at him and reached to take a swig of the beer Jared had already opened for him.

“As long as you’re a happy drunk, we’ll be good.” Jared smiled at him, but his expression was tight. Jensen opened his mouth to ask, but shook his head.

“You ready?” He asked as he loaded up their game.

They played for a few hours, finding themselves evenly matched. Every time Jensen would kill Jared in the game, Jared would pretend to fall over as if he were shot, leaning himself almost on top of Jensen.

“If you’re trying to make me feel guilty so I stop going after you? That’s definitely not the way to do it.” Jensen shifted as Jared pitched over again, the other man almost landing on his chest. Jared hesitated before letting himself lean against Jensen completely.

“How do you know that isn’t my intention?” Jared said, meeting Jensen’s eyes. Today, Jared’s eyes were flecked with deep blue… Jensen could loose himself in those eyes. He reached up, brushing Jared’s hair back behind his ears.

“Jared…” He whispered, moving his hand to the back of Jared’s head to cradle neck. He probably shouldn’t… but he couldn’t deny the feelings he had that were only continuing to increase. He leaned forward slowly, watching Jared’s facial expression carefully. Jared inhaled sharply, but didn’t move to pull away.

A sudden splitting ring made both of them jump.

“Sorry.” Jared sighed, getting off of the couch to grab the phone. He turned to face Jensen, giving him a smile as he pressed the on button. “Hello?”

Well, that moment was ruined. The second Jared got back to this couch… he was going to make it happen. There was no denying the attraction between them, and Jared was initiating the contact between them just as often. Jensen may not have been sure if he was ready for a relationship… but that’s what this was becoming, wasn’t it?

Jared was the first thing he thought of every morning, and the last thing before he laid his head down at night. Every little thing that came up, Jensen was yanking out his phone to text him or filing it away to share the next time they were together. They were making plans together – simple ones like dinner and video games, and more advanced ones. Just the other night, Jared had asked him how he felt about camping and they both agreed they would go before Jensen was deployed.

Deployment… Jensen hadn’t been overly thrilled about signing up to go, though the promotion was a definite plus. Now, he was dreading it. He already could barely spend more than a day away from Jared. He looked up and saw Jared’s face pale as he clutched the phone tightly against his ear.

“You have the wrong number.” Jared’s voice and hands were shaking as he put the phone back into the charging station. Jensen watched as he swallowed hard, fighting to compose himself.

“Jared?” He asked, moving to get up.

“I’m fine. Wrong number.” He laughed nervously and sped back to the couch. “So, where were we? I believe I was going to kick your ass?”

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked, leaving his controller untouched. Jared opened his mouth to reply when the phone started ringing again. Jared smiled tightly, closing his eyes.

“Just ignore it.” He said, handing Jensen his controlled. “Come on, you playing or not?”

“Hey! You’ve reached Jared. I can’t come to the phone right now so leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.” Jared’s voice message clicked on and Jared tensed again, eyes flicking over to it. They both waited, barely breathing.

“Jare baby!” Now it was Jensen’s turn to freeze. Beside him, Jared had clenched his fists, eyes squeezing shut. “Must have had a bad connection or something… I just wanted you to know that I forgive you, babe. I hope you don’t mind – I pulled a few strings at the station to get your number. New York, huh? Didn’t picture you as ever being a Yankee, but I can roll with that. Look… I know that some shit happened we weren’t proud of, but I know that what we had was real and I think we owe it to ourselves for another shot.” There was a pause, the man on the line sighing. “Jare I miss you. And I love you. And I’ll do anything for you, I promise. Call me back so I don’t have to come out there and find you. Hah!”

As the message machine clicked off, silence flooded the room, suffocating. Jensen swallowed hard, suddenly feeling like he didn’t belong. He waited, clasping his hands in his lap.

“Ex boyfriend?” He said after a moment, feeling Jared nod slowly beside him. “Right… sounds like there’s some pretty big history there…”

“You have no idea.” Jared whispered, closing his eyes. Jensen gave him a sideways glance. He couldn’t determine what that was supposed to mean. The guy on the message sounded sincere, and like he really missed Jared. Jensen couldn’t blame him, in the few short weeks he had known Jared, he wouldn’t want to let that go either. Jared looked like he was going to be sick.

Jensen cleared his throat, hoping for some direction. The other man seemed to be frozen to the spot, fists now shaking. He tried to bite back his feelings… Jared had made it clear when they began this they would just be friends. Perhaps the guy on the other line was the reason why. Pain stabbed at Jensen’s chest and he let out a shaky breath.

“Well… I’m guessing you have some thinking to do or something… I’ll just get out of your hair.” Jensen pushed off the couch. He wanted desperately for Jared to tell him no, for them to rewind back ten minutes ago when they were flirting shamelessly and kicking ass on the now forgotten game. He wanted Jared to grab his arm, to stop him, to ask him ‘where were we’. He wanted to spin around and push Jared down on the couch and ravage him, pushing back any thought or memory or inkling of the man on the machine.

“Yeah.” Jared said, refusing to meet his eyes. “Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded, his stomach plunging. He hesitated for a moment before turning around and leaving the apartment and Jared sitting on the couch. He let himself into his own apartment, leaning against the front door.

“Fuck.” He swore, slamming his head back against it. Why did he suddenly feel guilty? And jealous? Jared was only his friend… they hadn’t actually defined their relationship beyond that. So why should he care if his ex-boyfriend was suddenly calling and practically begging for Jared back? He should be happy for Jared… Jared obviously seemed upset.

Jensen opened his eyes, picturing Jared’s face. Jared had been upset… was that because he had missed his ex as well? Or maybe it was because he was afraid to let go of what they were building? What were they building? Maybe Jensen needed to figure that out as well. If the swell of hope from his belly was any indication…

He had never done this before, not really. From his two serious relationships, one had been a high school girlfriend because he was afraid to come out to his family and the second was Adam. Adam had approached him at a football game in college and just asked him out, right like that. There was no friendship beforehand, no pick up attempt… they were just suddenly dating.

Jensen suddenly felt angry. There was no way he was going to lose Jared before he even had the chance to have him. If Jared missed this guy? Well, then maybe he was shit out of luck. He couldn’t compete with someone that Jared had a history with. And if Jared wanted to work on things with his ex, then he wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. But, he wasn’t going to just give up on it either. Sitting up here wondering what the hell Jared was thinking and about his ex on the phone wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Pushing off of the door, he tore back out of his apartment, back down to Jared’s.

“Jared!” He yelled, knocking on the door. He waited a minute for a reply, getting none. He banged again. “Jared open up! Look, I don’t know where we are going with this, but I think that if your ex was stupid enough to let you go? Then it’s his goddamn loss! You have no idea how much of a loss that is. And I know we said we were only going to be friends, but I’m not going to lie, I think that’s bullshit. ” His heart was pounding in his chest, suddenly nervous and anxious to see Jared. He pressed his palms against the door, leaning into it as if it would help Jared hear him. “If that’s all you want from me, than I understand but you should know how I feel and I think I have the right to tell you! I think that maybe you--” The door suddenly flew open, Jensen pitching forward through it.

He stumbled, catching himself on Jared’s outstretched arm, a sheepish smile on his face. He opened his mouth to continue but froze when he saw Jared’s face. In the few short minutes he had been gone, Jared had been crying – his eyes bloodshot, face blotchy. Shame suddenly pitted in his stomach. He shouldn’t be here…

Jared shut the door behind them and moved away, leaving Jensen standing dumbstruck in the hallway. He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. Slowly, he kicked off his shoes and trailed after Jared, finding him in the same spot he had been left on the couch. He had his long legs pulled up to his chest, his forehead resting between them.

Jensen carefully lowered himself on the couch beside him, making sure not to touch or crowd him.

“Jensen…” Jared whispered, peeking up from his legs. “I think it’s time I told you about Chad.”

Chad’s voice still rang in his head, filling every inch of him with dread. He was barely aware of Jensen moving beside him, and it took him a moment to realize he was alone. Jensen had left him… he felt nauseous at the power Chad still had over him… his first instinct was to pick up the phone and dial Chad back. That was, after all, what was requested. Then, fear took over. Chad knew where he was… Chad had a phone which meant he had somehow been released from prison. His threat to come and find him hit Jared like a knife and he moved his hand down to hold onto the scar on his stomach.

How could he have gotten out? Why would anyone give up his information to him? He racked his mind for any missed calls he forgot to return to the lawyer…. He knew that if he didn’t choose to press charges, the State might still have a case against him. The lawyer had warned him that he could have made a plea bargain with the cops and judge, especially since they were his co-workers, to get him out on bail again…

Chad was out. And Jared knew the tone that message had… the condescendence and the anger… Tears sprung to his eyes and he pulled his legs up, curling into himself. What would he do if Chad showed up? What if Chad showed up when Jensen was here?

Jensen… he squeezed his eyes shut, tears finally spilling down his cheeks. He had no only ruined things once, but twice now. The way he froze up and didn’t even say goodbye… Jensen probably thought he was still in love with Chad or something. A sob escaped from his chest and he wrapped his arms tighter around himself to stop from shaking.

“Jared!” The pounding on the door made him jump. “Jared open up! Look, I don’t know where we are going with this, but I think that if your ex was stupid enough to let you go? Then it’s his goddamn loss!”

Jensen was yelling and pounding on the door, causing Jared’s heart to race. He refused to reply… Jensen would just leave. The idea of Jensen being angry scared Jared, he didn’t want to remember Jensen in any other way except for how they had been the past few weeks.

“You have no idea how much of a loss that is. And I know I said we were only going to be friends… but I’m not going to lie, I think that’s bullshit!” Jared looked up at that, a strange feeling settling in his chest. Maybe Jensen wasn’t mad at him… he stood slowly, moving towards the door.

“If that’s all you want from me, then I understand but you should know how I feel and I think I have the right to tell you! I think that maybe you--” Jared pulled the door open, reaching out as Jensen fell through to stop him from falling onto the floor. Jensen was breathing hard, his face red. Distance…. He needed distance. Jared shut the door before spinning on his heel and walking back into the living room to wait.

“Jensen.” He whispered, waiting until the other man had settled beside him on the couch. He took a deep breath before turning to look at him. “I think it’s time I told you about Chad.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, biting his lower lip.

“Chad was my ex… the one on the phone. He’s the reason I moved up here.” Jensen nodded slowly, watching Jared carefully. “We met in college… he actually picked me up at a party.” Jared gave a small smile, remembering. “He was a fresh grad from the Police Academy and I was in my last year of Nursing. He decided that instead of arresting me for being at a party with a few under aged kids, I could go on a date with him instead. That was the end of me.”

“You fell for him.” Jensen said, nodding as if he was agreeing with himself over something. Jared pushed it aside and continued.

“Head over heels. So we started dating, and after six months we got an apartment together. We had plans for the whole nine yards… kids, a picket fence, a vacation home on the ocean. We were in love. My family, friends, co-workers, everyone loved him. We had some shit from his own co-workers at the station who weren’t too thrilled he was gay, but he quickly moved up the ranks and made friends with the right people. He was an asset to the station so they stopped bugging us. There was a huge case he had been working on for months and months, working alongside the DEA to find this undercover drug ring. They finally hit their big break, and Chad accompanied them during the raid. It was chaos when they entered, and Chad ended up hitting an officer on accident, killing him.”

Jared paused, looking up at Jensen who was nodding, his brow furrowed as he was listening.

“That’s when he started to drink.” Jared looked back down at his hands, picking as his fingernails and trying to calm his breathing. “He started to get nasty… everything ended up being my fault. He would start yelling and screaming, throwing and breaking things around the house. The second he walked in the door, he would start. Then, he would feel guilty, beg for my forgiveness and promise me he wouldn’t do it again, that tomorrow would be better. He started to get jealous of my friends and if I went anywhere without him, even just going to work. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I needed to pass the third degree and expect that he or another officer would run by my location in a patrol car. So I stopped going out, it just wasn’t worth it anymore. That worked for a while, made him happier. We did that for two years.”

“You lived like that for two years? Why?” Jensen asked, shaking his head.

“Because I loved him.” Jared shrugged. “I knew he was still swamped with guilt over the raid. Even though he had been cleared back for duty, and no one blamed him for what happened, he still did. I knew that it was going to take time for him to understand that as well. I kept telling myself that in a few more weeks, he would realize and it would be good again.”

“Was he going to counseling still? I know they require some after the initial incident…” Jensen trailed off and Jared nodded, remembering that Jensen himself was an officer and probably understood more of what Chad had been going through than Jared ever had.

“After he had been cleared, that was it. He didn’t think he needed it… and when I suggested it…” Jared shook his head, closing his eyes as he exhaled slowly. “Anyways, about eight months ago, he started to get angrier. He was throwing and breaking things more often, usually by using me as his target. And then one day, he broke my cheekbone.”

“What?” Jensen sat up straight, his eyes flashing as Jared met them. “He hit you?”

“I went to the gym without telling him after work… he told me he was scared something had happened to me. I told him I was a big boy and could take care of myself… he got pissed and hit me… then told me, obviously not.” Jared took a deep breath. It was almost over. He shifted his position on the couch, focusing back on the hangnail he had started on his thumb. “The next day I told him that was it. I wasn’t his punching bag and that it would never happen again. He cried, he told me how sorry he was and promised to get help with the drinking and with everything. I believed him.”

Jensen moved to reach out for Jared’s arm, hesitating before dropping it back. For once, Jared was relieved. If Jensen had touched him, he would have fallen apart.

“For a few months, things were good. We started going out more, he would bring me flowers and random cards. He was talking to the counselor at work again. I felt good, I had stuck through all the crap and we were finally on the other side. Then four months ago, he came home drunk out of his mind. He saw me outside of our apartment talking to a doctor I had done a clinical with once and was convinced I was cheating on him. He flipped out… He started punching me, when I tried to push him off and defend myself, he pulled his gun. I don’t know what stopped him…maybe he realized that if he killed me, he would lose everything. Maybe it was the expression on my face that made him snap back to reality… But he just left.” Jared shook his head as he noticed Jensen reaching out again. “I need to finish.” He whispered.

“Okay.” Jensen nodded slowly, his hands clenched in his lap. Jared took a deep breath, launching into the rest of the story, trying to ignore that his voice was shaking.

“I called him the next day and told him we were done. I had warned him, and I wasn’t going to put up with it. I loved him, but I deserved better than how he had been treating me. He needed to complete whatever programs he needed to help with the drinking, the guilt he felt, the abuse both verbal and physical, and then we could talk. I told him I would pack his things and leave them for him to come and pick up. When he came over, he was completely sober. He tried to convince me he could change, we could do it together, and that he didn’t need to leave. I felt so guilty… he seemed so sincere. But I couldn’t do it. I told him no, that he needed to leave and I would be here when he could return. He snapped…” Jared could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks again and he realized he had been rubbing his stomach. He cleared his throat, trying to make his voice as flat as possible. “He cornered me in the bedroom, tried to force himself on me. I fought him, told him he needed to leave… and he stabbed me, and then he raped me, the knife still stuck in my stomach.”

“Jesus Christ Jared.” Before he could react, Jensen was across the couch, closing the space between them. Jared tensed, trying to push back away from him and Jensen responded by tightening his arms. “It’s okay.” He whispered into Jared’s hair and Jared realized he was sobbing against Jensen’s chest. He twisted his hands into Jensen’s shirt and finally let himself go.

Jared didn’t know how long they stayed like that after he had calmed down. Jensen had shifted once, moving Jared’s weight off of his leg and settling him between his legs, still pressed against his chest. He was stroking Jared’s hair slowly, the rise and fall of his chest setting a relaxing rhythm that Jared matched with his own breathing.

“Jared.” Jensen whispered, running his hands down Jared’s back. Jared blinked a few time, realizing he must have fallen asleep.

“Jen…” Jared rubbed his eyes and pushed off Jensen’s chest to a sitting position. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to—

“Don’t.” Jensen followed him into a sitting position and reached out to tuck Jared’s hair behind his ear. “I thought you might be more comfortable in your own bed.” He smiled softly and Jared’s heart melted. He couldn’t believe Jensen was still here… after he completely fell apart. Jensen was watching him carefully, as if waiting for Jared to fall apart again.

“I’ll be okay.” Jared said after a moment. “You don’t have to stay… I’m glad you came back and listened. I’ve never told anyone the entire story before.”

“Is that what you want?” Jensen asked, narrowing his eyes. Jared looked up to meet them.

“I just figured you probably had some other things to do.” Jensen nodded slowly, still staring at him. Jensen reached out again, brushing his fingers lightly against Jared’s cheek. Jared sighed, leaning into the touch, his eyes falling closed.

“Jared.” At his name, his eyes fluttered open again to see Jensen had moved forward, their faced inches apart. “Do you want me to leave?”

Jared swallowed hard, slowly shaking his head. “No.”

“Good.” Jensen smiled before closing the small gap between them. His lips were soft and warm, barely touching Jared as he kissed him slowly. His hand moved back to tangle in Jared’s hair, pulling him slightly forward before he pulled back all together. “Let’s get you to bed. You look exhausted.” Jared nodded and stood slowly, following Jensen to his bedroom. He sat on the end of his bed, watching as Jensen moved around the room, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and a simple t-shirt for Jared to change into. “Do you mind?” Jensen asked, holding up a second pair of sweats for himself. Jared nodded, heart racing as he realized Jensen intended to stay stay. Jared changed into the clothes Jensen handed him and then crawled between the sheets.

“Thank you.” He whispered as Jensen changed out of his jeans and moved to pull the covers higher up on Jared’s shoulders. “For staying with me.” Jensen smiled, leaning down to kiss Jared’s forehead.

“I’ll be right out there if you need me, okay?” He said, turning off the light and closing the door halfway. Jared lay there for a minute, listening as Jensen moved around the living room, cleaning up their food and drinks from earlier. The hallway light suddenly clicked off and Jared could hear Jensen settled back on the couch.

Why hadn’t Jensen run back to his apartment at the first chance he got? Jared sighed, rolling on his side, peering out the crack of the door. Suddenly, he felt cold and completely alone. Before he lost his nerve, he slipped back out of the bed and found himself beside the couch.

“Jen?” He whispered, waiting for Jensen to roll over from facing the back of the couch to look at him. “You don’t… I mean… This couch isn’t that comfortable.” He kept his eyes trained on the floor. Jensen reached out, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers.

“You sure?” Jensen whispered, fingers squeezing Jared’s hand. Jared tugged at him gently, nodding as he led them back to his bedroom. They carefully got into the bed, Jared realizing that Jensen was waiting for his lead. Jared smiled softly, shifting himself to his side. He laid his head against the crook of Jensen’s arm, his arm laid over Jensen’s stomach and pulling him tightly against his own side.

“Goodnight, Jensen.” He whispered, closing his eyes. Jensen responded by pressing his lips against Jared’s forehead.





A soft whimper dragged Jensen out of his sleep. His eyes snapped open and it took him a moment to take in his surroundings to remember where he was. He glanced down, Jared still pressed into his side, his brow furrowed and eyes flashing behind their closed lids. He raised his hand to press against Jared’s back, noticing Jared had broken out into a cool sweat. He leaned forward slightly, kissing the top of Jared’s head and smiling as Jared settled again, his eyes still and silent.

He was lying in bed, with Jared wrapped around him. Jensen couldn’t stop the smile that found his lips. He had never expected to be here, nor knew how much he wanted to be here. His thoughts slowly trailed back to Jared’s confession from the night before. Anger swarmed through him, its thick tendrils rising up as he thought of Chad. If he ever saw that man… He looked back down at Jared, at a loss for how anyone could go out of their way to hurt him. From what he had seen – Jared put everything he had into the things that were important to him. If he was ever given that opportunity, he would do anything and everything in his power to hold on to it.

The telephone split out its ring, breaking into Jensen’s thoughts and breaking the silence of the house. Jared groaned softly, rolling over and still asleep. Jensen paused, waiting for two more rings before he slipped out of the bed to answer it. He hesitated as he picked up the phone, briefly wondering if he should be answering Jared’s phone. But if this was that asshole on the other line? He wasn’t going to let him get away with starting to harass Jared.

“Hello?” He asked, pressing the receiver to his ear.

“He—hello?” A man’s voice asked on the other end. “Who is this?”

“You called this number, who are you?” Jensen replied, trying to compare this voice to the one he had heard the night before.

“Like hell that’s how this is going to work.” The man on the other end hissed. “Who the fuck are you? Why are you answering this phone? Where is Jared?”

“Sleeping.” Jensen said, moving to sit on the couch. “Is this Chad?” He asked, still unsure.

“Chad? Who the fuck are you? No I’m not Chad!”

“Okay.” Jensen sighed, now regretting answering the phone. “I’m sorry… I’m Jensen. Jared had a bad night last night… so he is sleeping. I can wake him if you would like me to?” The other man was quiet for a moment.

“You’re Jensen?” A soft laugh. “So, he finally admitted his feelings?”

“Um…” Jensen said, confused. “Who are you?”

“I’m Jeff, Jared’s brother.”

“Oh. Well, hi Jeff.” Jensen said, feeling more embarrassed at how their conversation started. “I’ll get Jared for you.”

“No, let Jay sleep.” Jeff said quickly. “Did you spend the night?”

“I did… but nothing… I mean, that’s kind of Jared’s business.” Jensen stumbled over his words. He knew that Jared was close to his brother, they talked every day whether it was through the phone or through text. But that didn’t mean Jared wanted his brother to know everything that was going on.

“Right.” Jeff laughed, his laugh almost an exact copy of Jared’s own. “So… why did you ask if I was Chad? Did he tell you?”

“Yeah. Chad made a few phone calls last night.” Jensen said carefully.

“Fuck.” Jeff swore and Jensen could hear something banging on the other end, like a fist slamming into a table. “That fucker called Jared? How the fuck did he get Jared’s number?”

“I have no idea… Jared seemed pretty shaken though.”

“Well yeah. That bastard wasn’t supposed to be out of prison. Fucking cops… Protecting their own, irregardless of the pain and suffering they cause the people they swore to protect.” Jensen was quiet, mind racing. Of course this Chad guy was in prison… he had stabbed Jared for God’s sake. “What did Chad say to him?”

“I think this is a better conversation for you to have with Jared.” Jensen said after a moment. “I’m sure he’s going to want to talk to you anyways.” Jeff mumbled his agreement and finally let Jensen go to wake up Jared. “Hold on a sec.” He said, placing the phone down on the nightstand. “Jared…” He said softly, shaking Jared’s shoulder.

“Mmm… Jen?” Jared opened an eye, blinking up at him. “It’s too early… Come back to bed.” He tugged on Jensen’s arm, closing his eyes again.

“I… I kind of answered your phone.” Jensen admitted, giving Jared a sheepish smile as the other man’s hazel eyes snapped open to stare at him.

“Chad?” He whispered, fear evident in his eyes.

“No, Jeff.” Jensen shook his head, handing Jared the phone. “Want me to wait in the living room?”

“Hey Jeff.” Jared said into the phone, shaking his head at Jensen and tugging at his arm again. Jensen crawled over his body, settling back into the covers. Jared rolled onto his back, bending his knee so it was laying over Jensen’s thigh. Jensen watched Jared’s face carefully as he listened to his brother on the other end. “Well… I don’t know. But he did get my number… Jeff, I don’t even know. If he’s already out, what’s the point of pressing charges?”

Jensen sat up slightly, staring at Jared. Why the hell wouldn’t he press charges against that asshole?! Jared met his eyes for a moment before looking away again.

“Well, I have to call her today. She’s going to want me to fly out there, I don’t know if I can do that right now.” Jared paused, then rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah Jeff, that sounds like a great plan. No! I am not asking him that.” Another pause and Jared gave Jensen an apologetic smile. “Jeff, I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I will call Angela later and – yes. Yes, Jeff. I will get a no contact order. Yes Jeff. No. Don’t you dare tell Mom! Why? Because she doesn’t need to fucking kn--” Jared fell silent again, closing his eyes. Jensen reached over to squeeze Jared’s shoulder, the only comfort he can really offer. “Alright, I’ll call you tonight okay? Love you too.” Jared hung up the phone and threw his arm over his forehead. “Can we just pretend that this morning and last night never happened?”

“Oh.” Jensen said, pulling his arm back. “I guess… if you want.” He shifted, now uncomfortable with Jared pressed close against him. Jared looked at him, confused for a moment before realization sunk in.

“Oh, no. I mean, just Chad and stuff. I…” Jared smiled, looking down for a moment before meeting Jensen’s eyes again. “I’m really glad you stayed with me last night.” Jensen exhaled, relaxing again.

“Should we talk about it? About… where we are now?” He asked carefully, moving his hand down to rest against the inside of Jared’s knee. He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now.

“I mean… I guess so.” Jared nodded, turning to look at him. “What do… what do you want?”

“Honestly?” Jensen said, biting the corner of his lip. What did he want? He looked at Jared, his body completely relaxed against him, his eyes wide as he stared waiting for Jensen’s response. He thought back to the past weeks he had spent with Jared, completely comfortable in talking to someone, sitting in silence, being himself. He thought of the fear and the anger he felt at thinking he had lost Jared last night, at the man who had dared to hurt Jared. Jared’s eyes were swimming as they stared at him and Jensen realized that what he said next was going to change everything. And that terrified him.

"Ackles.”

“Yes Sir.” Jensen stepped up, standing at attention before his Sergeant.

“Follow me.” He turned and Jensen followed him, finding himself waiting outside of the Sergeant Major’s office, his hands instantly sweaty and heart pounding in his chest.

“Specialist.” A voice called from inside, alerting Jensen to move. He walked quickly in, shutting the door behind him. “Sit.” His eyes found the chair set before the desk and he sank into his, gripping his hands on his lap to stop them from shaking.

“Sergeant Ma—”

“Save it.” The man turned his steely gaze on him, before returning to the paperwork in front of him. “I hear that your boyfriend finally decided to stop fighting and left.” Jensen’s sharp intake of breath echoed across the room, receiving a small smirk from the man before him. “I’m going to give you some advice. You have excelled at everything we have thrown at you, and I can see that you have the right framework to build an excellent soldier. It would be a shame to let your… extracurricular activities get in the way of your career.” He met Jensen’s eyes again. “I don’t care what you do on your off time, Specialist. But I will not have it infiltrating our company and causing distrust amongst your brother in arms.” Jensen felt dirty, ashamed as the other man stared him down.

“Yes Sir.” He whispered, forcing himself to hold the gaze, to not tear his eyes away.

“We all need a fresh start I think.” He returned back to his paperwork, writing a few things before placing his pen down. “You’re being transferred immediately. You have seven days before your orders will take effect. Get your affairs in order, and Ackles? Don’t fuck this up. Not everyone will be as… understanding as I am.” He handed Jensen the papers before him, his signature a blinding black mark against Jensen’s heart as he realized what this meant. He sat, frozen, staring. “On your way.”

“I’m not perfect.” He said softly, squeezing Jared’s leg as he spoke, blinking away the memory. “I am not very good at this whole relationship thing… I have a career that isn’t very accepting of my lifestyle, and that makes it hard to be completely honest at times. I am constantly scared that the wrong person might find out and my career and everything that I have worked to build will come crashing down around me. I allow my best friend to set me up with women, sometimes paying them off just to leave me alone before we actually get back to my apartment.” He laughed softly, the words and all his fears suddenly spilling out of him.

“But… I really like you, Jared. I constantly think of you, almost every second of every day. I love the nights we spend together, even if all we are doing it eating dinner and watching TV. I’ve… never felt that comfortable with someone else. And I don’t know what that means… I don’t really think I’m ready to know what that means. What do I want? I want to see where this goes. I don’t want labels, and I don’t want to push. I do want you to know, that you deserve so much better than what you’ve gotten. And that I will never treat you that way, ever.”

Jared smiled softly, reaching up to cup Jensen’s cheek as he pulled them together, kissing him softly.


| Chapter Five