Super-musings of a Super Fan-girl

( Chapter Thirteen )

Master Post || Chapter Twelve || Chapter Fourteen

Comments are the best motivator! I appreciate them more than you will ever know.

July 25th, 1965
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen exhaled slowly, raising his arm to wipe the sweat from his forehead and then lifting his hand to shield his eyes against the sun. Today was hot, the sun brutal as it beat down on them. Even sitting atop the tractor going at a nice clip across the field, Jensen felt like his entire body was melting.

He sighed, cutting the engine and leaning back against the hot, black leather seat, forcing himself to ignore the burn on his bare skin as he looked out over the fields he’d just plowed. He bit the inside of his cheek and leaned forward, resting his head against the steering wheel.

“You okay?” Jared’s voice made him jump, and he looked down to see Jared looking up at him with concern. He had a bandana tied around his head, keeping his hair back from his face, and his shirt was soaked through with sweat.

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded, slipping off of the tractor and accepting the bandana Jared pulled out of his back pocket for him. He wiped down his face and then reached up to grab his t-shirt, pulling it over his head before giving Jared a quick kiss.

“You looked like you were lost in thought up there…”

“I just…” Jensen stopped and shrugged, looking past the front of the tractor to the field he’d just spent the last two hours plowing and getting ready to plant the next cycle of late summer crops.

“Thinking about what your grandfather said last night?” Jared said slowly and Jensen turned to him, a small smile on his lips.

“That’s why I keep you around,” Jensen answered, patting Jared’s arm before walking back towards the barn.

“I know you, Jense,” Jared whispered, moving after him and grabbing his arm to stop him. “Talk to me… please?”

“I don’t know what there is to say… The numbers kind of speak for themselves, don’t they?” Jensen refused to look at Jared and focused his eyes on the ground instead. “We’re losing money, people are more than happy to head to the local grocery store instead of their local farm stand. It’s costing more to ship the milk we’re producing than it takes to…” he stopped again and shook his head. “Don’t think my grandparents thought I would have sunk the place in under five years…”

“Don’t talk like that,” Jared’s voice was sharp and Jensen found himself fighting back the urge to roll his eyes. Jared just… didn’t understand. “Jensen, it’s just a small bump in the road, a bad year… But we have people who come out to the farm specifically for the fruits and produce we have grown right here. Loyal customers who want your produce and not something shipped in, banged up and halfway past ripe by the time they get it in their hands.”

“Loyal customers who are only loyal because they grew up with my grandparents and already struggling to make ends meet, never mind the fact that I can’t accept their food stamps and—” Jensen clamped his mouth shut again, finally looking up to meet Jared’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Jay. I can’t fuck this up… I can’t lose this farm.”

“Jensen, you’re not going to,” Jared shook his head, reaching for Jensen’s hand and taking it in his own. “I hardly think a few bad months is reason to start panicking…”

“My father still hasn’t made a move,” Jensen whispered and he saw the understanding cross over Jared’s face.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Jared asked, shaking his head. He pulled on Jensen’s hand, pulling him against his chest before wrapping his arms around his back. “Jensen, he’s all the way in Texas…”

“You don’t know him!” Jensen argued, shaking his head. He returned the hug quickly before pushing away, glancing over Jared’s shoulder to the front of the farm and the driveway. “We’re down in profits this season, perfect time for my father to come in and start something…”

“Like what, Jensen?” Jared scoffed and Jensen threw him a glance before continuing onto the barn. “What the hell do you think he’s going to do from across the country? Tell everyone in Texas that his son is a fag? Who cares, Jensen! Who cares what he says or what he does! He’s not a part of your life anymore!”

“Just… never mind, Jared.”

“Don’t do that, Jensen,” Jared snapped, reaching for Jensen’s arm again. Jensen twisted out of his reach and spun back to him, suddenly angry that Jared didn’t seem to understand.

“He grew up here, Jared. He still has friends here! He could very easily tell anyone he went to school with or grew up with that ‘yes, a faggot runs this farm’. And do you know what that would do? I could lose this farm, Jared. I could fail at the one job I’ve ever been given and I can’t… I…” he shook his head, kicking angrily at the ground with the toe of his boot and sending a small rock flying through the air. “They could take Jenna from me.”

“You’re her father, her biological father, Jensen. No one is going to take her from you…”

“You don’t know that, Jared. You don’t know. You think that just because we’ve been lucky… it will stay that way?” he asked, shaking his head. “For the most part, our families have been accepting, have understood or at least decided to look the other way to the fact that we’re in a relationship. And I’m glad, I’m glad that I get to do this with you. But, they’re the minority, Jared. And I’m ready for our luck to run out.”

“Your sister is here,” Jared said and Jensen turned to him, confused. Jared simply shook his head, and pointed towards the driveway where Lee and Mackenzie were getting out of their car. “We’ll talk more about this later.”

Jensen sighed and watched as Jared stalked off, heading to the barn after throwing a quick wave to Mackenzie and Lee. Jensen sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before heading towards the driveway to meet his visitors. He had a smile at the ready but quickly pulled it back when he saw the grim expression on their faces.

“Mack?” Jensen called, walking faster until he was at his sister’s side and pulling her hands into his own. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Lee is being deployed,” she whispered, voice breaking as thick tears slipped down her cheeks. “He’s being deployed, Jensen.”

Jensen felt his stomach clench and he looked up to meet Lee’s eyes. Lee nodded once before looking away and down at his feet.

“But…” Jensen felt like he was grasping at straws. Mackenzie sobbed once and threw herself into his arms, clutching the back of his shirt as she sobbed into his shoulder, seemingly not caring that his shoulder was slick with sweat. “Marriage deferment?”

“That’s only for consignment…” Lee sighed, shaking his head. “I’m already in the Reserves. We found out yesterday that our platoon was being shipped out. I’ll be getting my orders tomorrow, most likely.”

Jensen felt Mackenzie’s grip tighten and he stared at Lee, not knowing how to respond. There was nothing for him to say. They’d all heard the newscasts saying the number of Reservists and National Guard soldiers being deployed would be increased, as well as the number of air strikes against North Vietnam, but Jensen didn’t think it would happen so quickly. And he never thought that it would actually affect him personally.

“My sergeant is thinking we’ll be doing support missions in the South… so…” Lee trailed off, his eyes raking over Mackenzie’s body and he sighed again.

“Let’s head inside.” Jensen suggested after the silence became tangible. He could almost taste it, sour on his tongue, and he steered Mackenzie towards the house without waiting for a response. Once Mackenzie had calmed down, she left Jensen and Lee alone in the living room to search for Jenna.

“This wasn’t my intention,” Lee said after a moment and Jensen released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding before turning to look at him. “Three years left on my contract… I didn’t think I’d end up going.” He laughed, the sound was mirthless, short and clipped.

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He nodded once, and folded his hands in his lap, sinking back further into the couch. Lee cleared his throat but seemed to get the message and stayed silent as well. From the kitchen, they could hear Jenna babbling excitedly to her aunt about something funny the chickens did that morning and the song that her papa had made up to put her to bed last night.

They sat in silence in the living room until Jared and Albert came to join them, and then they talked about the weather, the crops and Mackenzie. Anything and everything except for the Army and Lee’s upcoming deployment.

Dinner was served and eaten quickly, Jensen barely tasting anything that had been put in front of him before he excused himself and slipped back outside to tend to the animals for the night. When he was finished, Mackenzie and Lee’s car was still in the driveway and Jensen felt dread forming in the pit of his stomach at the thought of going back inside, getting Jenna ready for bed and being made to talk about the dreaded deployment again.

“Jensen!” Jared called his name and he turned, grateful for the distraction. “Come on,” Jared held out his hand and Jensen took it, twisting their fingers together and letting Jared pull them across the road and onto the wooded path. A sense of calm flooded Jensen the moment they approached the oak tree and Jensen turned, sliding his hands over Jared’s cheeks to curl around the back of his head and pull him in for a kiss.

They sat against the tree, kissing softly until the sun had fully retreated behind the tree line. Finally, Jared spoke as he wrapped his arms around Jensen’s stomach and pulled him back against his chest, tucking his chin against Jensen’s shoulder so they were cheek to cheek.

“He’s not going to come back like your father, Jensen.” Jensen inhaled sharply, stiffening in Jared’s arms. “Mackenzie is worried for her husband going to Vietnam, but you’re worried for Mackenzie.”

“She deserves better than that,” Jensen replied and Jared nodded, kissing his cheek softly.

“He’s not your father. This is Lee and he loves Mackenzie as much as I love you. That’s not going to change.”

Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Their conversations usually steered far from Jensen’s family, save for Mackenzie herself, though it never failed to surprise him just how perceptive Jared really was, how quickly he was to hit the nail on the head –every single time when he did speak of the family dynamics.

“Trust me,” Jared whispered against his neck and Jensen nodded, letting himself sink back into the warmth and security that Jared never failed to provide. Jared tightened his hold, humming softly until the chill of the night was too much to ignore.

November 21st, 1965
Somerset, Vermont

“Jared?” Jensen called out, feet crunching in the frozen grass as he made his way to the barn. He’d finished the morning chores already and eaten breakfast with Jenna quickly before the sun even had a chance to completely rise. Jared hadn’t appeared at breakfast, in fact, Jensen hadn’t seen him since he’d gotten out of bed that morning….

“I’m in here.”

Jensen made his way through the main part of the barn to the back corner where they’d created a sort of workspace. He almost laughed – for someone who was still terrified of the cows, even at twenty-one, the fact that Jared had adopted this space as his own?

Jared was bent over a large block of wood, slowly dragging his pencil along it. Jensen came up beside him, leaning around his arm to look at the pattern he was designing.

“It’s a crib for Mackenzie…” Jared said as he finished the last swirl on the end and laid the pencil down. To the left of Jared stood a half made crib, and it already looked beautiful.

“She’s going to love it, Jay,” Jensen smiled, squeezing Jared’s hip and then leaning up to meet his lips for a kiss. “You didn’t have to do this…”

“Yeah, I know,” Jared smiled back, but it was sad and didn’t meet his eyes. Jensen watched him for a moment before reaching for his hands and turning him around.

“What is it?”

“Nothing… just busy…” Jared shook his head, trying to pull away.

“Jared…” Jensen stopped him, reaching up with one hand to cup his cheek, forcing Jared to meet his eyes. “You have months to build this crib… so what has you out here in the cold, skipping breakfast and alone?”

“Nothing… I just want to get this done, show Mackenzie…” Jensen nodded once, squeezing Jared’s hands. He waited, knowing that the other man was seconds away from cracking. He could see it in the way Jared’s eyes flicked away from his, never stopping long enough to actually meet his gaze and the way his tongue was flicking over his lower lip repeatedly. “I just…” Jared sighed, ripping back one of his hands to run it back through his hair. “I’m never going to have this, you know? Megan and Mom were talking last night while they were cleaning up for dinner about how Megan would be the next to get married, to have babies and…” He stopped again and shook his head, turning away to brace himself on the workbench, head dropping down between his extended arms.

“No one ever mentions it, but they all know… Jeff got married, he has two kids already, and next is Megan because I’m never going to have that. I’m never going to get married or have kids of my own… And I can see how that hurts my mom… Almost every time I mention Jenna or we start talking about Jeff’s kids, she gets this sad look and doesn’t want to talk any more. Because she knows, we all know, that I’m never…”

“Jared,” Jensen reached for him again, wrapping his arms around his waist and pushing himself up against Jared’s back. Jared stayed leaning on one arm, his second arm coming up and around to meet Jensen’s hand. Jensen held him, his face flush between Jared’s quaking shoulders.

They didn’t speak, they didn’t need to. Jensen just held onto Jared until his breathing calmed and his grip loosened around Jensen’s arm. Slowly, Jared relaxed and Jensen turned him around, pressing him back against the workbench.

“You have Jenna,” he said softly, watching the emotions flicker through Jared’s eyes as he stared down at him. “You’re her father, just as much as I am… I know that she’s not yours yours but—"

Jared cut him off, sealing his lips over Jensen’s, both hands tugging his face forward.

“I love you,” Jared breathed against his mouth and Jensen smiled, kissing him softly.

“I love you, too.”

March 3rd, 1966
Dover, Vermont

“Fuck,” Jensen swore, hitting the steering wheel with the flat of his palm.

“Jensen, calm down.” Jared tossed him a look before turning his attention back to the road. They were sitting in Gerry’s Mercury, heading across Somerset to Mount Snow and into the next town. Jensen had been prepared, he swore he’d had everything ready that he was going to need, and he was planning on heading to the next town over to be with Mackenzie at the beginning of next week. Because he wanted to avoid this, the traffic of people crowding around for one of the last good ski weekends of the season before the snow started to melt.

Mackenzie’s child, apparently, had other plans. Jensen had almost dropped the phone when he answered it, Mackenzie calmly telling him that she was in labor and if he could please come and pick her up to bring her to the hospital, that would be great.

Not for the first time, Jensen cursed Mackenzie’s stubborn decision to stay in the house Lee purchased for them at the base of the mountain. Although she was close to her in-laws – both of them responsible for running the ski lodge—they were both busy, and therefore, not available for Mackenzie when she needed them.

Jensen almost called them himself and demanded one of them take Mackenzie to the hospital so she didn’t have to wait the twenty minutes it would take him to get there but Jared stopped him, reminding him that Mackenzie would be more than a little upset if he interrupted their work day when she was perfectly fine.

Finally, Jensen drove up the gravel driveway, cursing as he stepped out and his foot hit a slick patch. Wasn’t anyone sanding or salting the driveway? Mackenzie could have slipped… Mackenzie met them at the door with a smile, but her skin was clammy and pale.

Jensen panicked.

“Shit,” he whispered, reaching for Mackenzie’s arm and leading her down the steps. He walked slowly, pointing out patches on the ground that looked slippery until she snapped at him.

“Jensen! You’re worse than Lee would ever be! Just let me get into the goddamn car!” Jensen bit his lip, swallowing back his reply and let Mackenzie lead instead. Jared had shifted into the driver’s seat and was laughing behind his hand. Jensen glared at him and climbed into the backseat with Mackenzie.

“Okay, do you know where you’re going?” Jensen asked, leaning forward.

“Jensen, if you’re going to be a backseat driver, I’m going to make you drive,” Jared warned him, backing the car back onto the street.

“I can’t… what if Mackenzie needs me?” Beside him, Mackenzie snorted and then gave a small groan, successfully snapping Jensen’s attention back to her and not on Jared or the road.

Jensen hadn’t been there when Jenna was born, had only gotten the call after everything was done, and part of him was glad. Every few minutes, Mackenzie would have a flash of pain cross over her face and she would clench her teeth and tightly squeeze Jensen’s hand before settling back into the seat and trying to calm her breathing.

“Do you think we’ll get to the hospital in time?” he asked, voice breaking as Mackenzie squeezed his hand again. He was surprised when she let out a full bellied laugh.

“Oh, Jensen… this is just the beginning,” she assured him with an amused smile.

He stared at her and sat in silence, save for the reassuring word or two he muttered to his sister, until they got to the hospital.

Jared parked the Mercury and went into the building first to get a wheelchair, meeting Jensen and Mackenzie in the foyer, a nurse at his side. She immediately took over Jensen’s spot, talking to Mackenzie about timing her contractions and the level of her pain. Jensen and Jared followed after her but were stopped just before they got to the room.

“We have a waiting room just down this hall, you’ll see it on the left,” the nurse smiled at them and Jensen looked alarmed between Jared and his sister.

“But… she’s going to be alone?” he asked, reaching for Mackenzie’s shoulder.

“Are you the father?” the nurse looked between them.

Mackenzie shook her head slowly. “No, he’s deployed right now.”

Mackenzie received a soft pat to her cheek and then the nurse’s attention was back on Jensen. “I’m sorry, Sir… We will let you know as soon as labor is completed.”

She gave him a brilliant smile and wheeled Mackenzie into the next room, shutting the door behind them. Jared touched Jensen’s arm, lightly enough to get his attention, before he started off down the hall to where the waiting area was. Jensen sighed, hesitated a moment more, before he followed after Jared.

March 4th, 1966
Dover, Vermont

Kaleb Ross came into the world screaming, a healthy baby boy and Mackenzie never looked more beautiful. Somehow, Mackenzie convinced them to let both Jared and Jensen into the room, claiming that they were her only support system as of right now. She may have insinuated that they were both her brothers—but Jensen wasn’t going to complain.

He held Kaleb in his arms, watching as the infant slept, and felt his heart already melting. He thought back to what it was like to hold Jenna when she was this small, so fragile and innocent. As clichéd as it sounded, Jensen could picture it so clearly in his mind, as if were only yesterday and instead of six and half years ago.

Jared’s arms shook when Mackenzie slipped Kaleb into them, and she smiled as she ran a hand through Jared’s hair, telling him that it was going to be okay and she trusted him not to drop her child.

Jensen saw the moment Jared’s own heart melted, and something inside of him broke when he realized that Jared would never really have anything more than this moment, of holding other people’s children close to his heart, but never feeling that surge of emotion, both dread and joy, that the child in his arms was his.

Jared looked up at him, his eyes swimming, and he smiled, flashing his dimples. “He’s perfect, Mack,” he whispered, rocking Kaleb gently in his arms. He turned from Jensen and met Mackenzie’s own wet, green eyes. “Just perfect…”

By the time they left that night, promising that Albert and Martha would be coming to visit the next day and that Jensen would be there to collect Mackenzie and Kaleb when they were all set to go home, Jared was vibrating with energy.

“God, he was so tiny, Jensen!” he burst out the moment they were back on the road, holding his arms out before him, hands cupped as if he were actually still holding Kaleb in them.

“Yeah, he was,” Jensen said softly, trying to gauge Jared’s reaction. He wasn’t sure if Jared was seconds away from breaking down about not having this for himself or if he was just—

“I’m so happy, Jensen,” he beamed, reaching over and squeezing Jensen’s leg. “I’m so happy for Mackenzie and Lee, so happy they get to have this. Can you imagine what Jenna is going to be like when she finally gets to meet her new cousin?” He laughed again, the sound making Jensen smile and release the tension he was feeling. He looked over at Jared who was smiling out the window.

It never failed to astound him just how amazing Jared himself was. Over the past few months, Jared had made it clear that he wanted kids, had even gone so far as poking around –using Megan’s help occasionally—about the adoption process. Not that anyone would ever allow a single man to adopt, much less a gay couple to do so.

But right now, Jensen could tell there wasn’t a single trace of jealousy or animosity in Jared. He was truly happy for Mackenzie, he looked at her as he would his own sister, and her son was already a part of Jared’s family.

“I love you,” Jensen whispered and Jared turned his head to give him a small smile before he leaned over and kissed the side of Jensen’s neck softly.

May 4th, 1967
Austin, Texas

Jensen shifted uncomfortably, the Texan sun near unbearable as it beat down on him in his fitted, black suit.

He should be home, working the fields, getting them ready to sow the corn and the first round of summer vegetables. Mackenzie stood beside him, her hand small inside of his, Kaleb held up on her opposite hip. Jensen went through the list of things he’d left Jared in charge of.

He knew that both Jared and Gerry, and of course his grandfather, knew what they were doing on the farm. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been living there year in and year out, helping Albert and then Jensen keep the farm running.

Jared had done maintenance last week on the tractor to make sure the old girl was up and running and ready to go. Gerry and Albert had spent the last month repairing the parts of the fence that had been damaged in last winter’s ice storms. Jensen had finalized an agreement with the local grocery store to section off an area to sell Ackles’ Farm produce and dairy, and things were looking up, things were good.

Jensen squeezed Mackenzie’s hand once, running over the list again in his mind.

Plow the fields. Sow the corn. Plant turnips and carrots and cabbages. Start the green beans and peas in the barn to be transplanted closer to June. Fit the tractor with a ‘roll-guard’.

He let himself think about the Fischer Farm, the only other farm as big as the Ackles’ Farm in Southern Vermont, and how they’d decided to sell off all their livestock and equipment, keeping only their horses and land. Jensen had acquired a good amount from them and was secretly grateful they’d folded first.

He ran over the list again. Plow the fields. Sow the corn. Plant turnips and carr—

Mackenzie squeezed his hand hard and he looked up, breathing catching in his throat. He tried to focus on the words being said, the sound of the priest a dull buzzing in his head, like a bee had gotten caught and was spinning around and around in his head. A soft sob broke from his sister’s lips, the sound squeezing his heart, and he wished more than anything that Jared was there with him. Jared always knew what to say to make things better… would have Mackenzie and Jensen both laughing, or at least smiling.

He exhaled slowly, trying to focus back on his list. Turnips and carrots and cabbages…

Alan was suddenly beside him, his body stiff and eyes cold. Jensen felt himself freeze, his heart beating wildly in his chest, and he stared forward, eyes unmoving as he watched the coffin lower into the ground.

He waited, waited for Alan to start something, to say something about his lifestyle while they were surrounded by their family and friends. He focused on that… the fear churning in his stomach at his father’s steely gaze and the acrid scent of gin and vomit that surrounded the man in a thick haze.

When Alan left, he breathed easier, and focused back on his list.

Cabbages… and carrots… green beans and peas and…. He closed his eyes.

Mackenzie slipped her hand from his, leaning over to kiss his cheek before she left him standing alone in the grass. When he opened his eyes he saw that Josh was waiting for him, hands shoved deep in his pockets and watching Jensen carefully. Everyone else was gone.

Slowly, Jensen walked forward, taking his spot beside his brother and they stood shoulder to shoulder, looking down at the marble headstone before them.

Jensen wanted to focus on his list. He wanted to worry about the possibility of it not getting completed because he wasn’t there. He wanted to focus on the fear and anger he held for his father. He wanted to focus on anything except for what was staring back at him, etched in stone.

Josh cleared his throat once and Jensen looked over at him.

“I didn’t know,” Josh whispered, voice breaking, and Jensen only nodded. He hadn’t either, neither had Mackenzie. No one had known until after the fact, when they were being told about the service and the funeral and given less than a week to make plans to get down to Texas.

Josh’s voice was thick, and though he didn’t look at Jensen, Jensen was aware that Josh’s full attention was on him. “I can’t… I don’t want this to… This can’t be us, Jense. I don’t want to find out like this, after the fact, if something’s happened to you. I… I may hate what you are…” he whispered, shaking his head, and Jensen’s eyes burned. “I do… I hate it because it’s not…

“You’re putting yourself at risk, you’re choosing the hard path, Jensen. And I hate that I can’t fix it for you or make it easier. I hate that you chose this… but… but… I don’t hate you. I know I haven’t been… Mackenzie’s given me more than one earful about how I’ve been treating you about all this…” He stopped again and waved at the grave before them. “I didn’t know, Jensen. I didn’t know that my own mother was sick and dying… I can’t have that happen to you, too.

“I miss my brother... I miss having someone to talk to, someone that has my back and I don’t need to watch myself around. You were my best friend, Jensen…” the anguish in his older brother’s voice made Jensen’s heart ache. “And after you told me what you were… and at Mackenzie’s wedding… I just can’t understand why you would choose that… that kind of life for your daughter… for yourself, you know…? Why you would choose to… I don’t know…” Josh’s voice broke off unevenly as he choked back a quiet sob.

“Josh,” Jensen reached for Josh’s arm, gripping his bicep tightly. “I can’t change who I am, or who I love. I’m sorry… but I just can’t. I just wish you could understand.” His red-ringed eyes pleaded with his brother, wishing he knew the words to make Josh see Jared as he did.

“I know, Jense… I’ll try…” Josh whispered hesitantly, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t… know what to say here, Jensen. I just want you to be happy… and I want you to be my brother again... That’s what I really want... I don’t want to be told that… that some god-awful thing happened to you and end up standing at your funeral and not knowing who the hell you were anymore.”

“I’m not pushing you away, Josh. This… this was Dad being spiteful… angry at all of us for just…” Jensen stopped, shaking his head. “Nothing like that is going to happen to us, okay? We are family… you, me and Mackenzie. We are family and we’ll have each other’s backs, okay? Always.”

Josh turned to him, glancing up to meet his younger brother’s eyes and nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Jensen.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Jensen replied, squeezing Josh’s arm once more before letting it drop. They stood together in silence, looking at everything but one another or Donna’s fresh grave before them. Their mother was gone, and Jensen had a multitude of emotions running through him that had continued to circle about him ever since he’d gotten the phone call to come to Texas.

He leaned into Josh carefully, tentatively laying his head against his older brother’s shoulder like he used to when they were kids, and when Josh made no attempt to pull away he focused on that. Focused on the fact, that even if it was only for right now, he had his big brother back...

Master Post || Chapter Ten || Chapter Twelve

October 1st, 1964
Boston, Massachusetts

Jensen’s life felt surreal, like he was watching it on a movie screen instead of living it every day. Even now, Jensen wasn’t sure how everything had just seemed to… work out.

It had been well over a year since the night they’d been afraid that Jared had been killed and everything that Jensen had come to know in his life had been turned upside down. Jared stayed that night, wrapped in his arms, Jensen holding onto him as if his life depended on it, and then never went back home.

Slowly, Jared’s things started appearing in the house –- his work boots, a set or two of clothes, his books. Jensen was never sure what new thing he would find when it was time for them to sleep. He wasn’t sure when Jared even found the time to get the things he brought inside of the house without Jensen noticing, but he appreciated Jared not mentioning it.

Jensen, and the rest of their families, let it happen. It wasn’t something that they talked about, unless of course you were Jenna who liked to point out that she was happy her ‘Papa’ was now in the house all of the time where he should be. Not mentioning it was good because Jensen didn’t have to think about it, only accept it.

But today he was picking up Mackenzie from the train and he couldn’t ignore the fear that was choking him, snaking its thick, black tendrils up from the depths of his gut to claw at his throat. His grandparents had shocked him by accepting his relationship with Jared--Martha and Albert had accepted his increased presence within the house without question. But the rest of Jensen’s family?

He barely mentioned Jared when he talked to Josh, unless Josh asked about the Padaleckis and whenever he spoke to Mackenzie, they usually talked about her—her schooling, the boy she had feelings for, the newest dogma their father was obsessing over.

Jared had suggested making the trip with him, giving them a few hours away as just the two of them, and Jensen could still see the expression on Jared’s face when Jensen cut him off with a resounding ‘No way.’

Jared had slipped out of the house before Jensen had even finished showering, and he hadn’t gotten a chance to apologize for hurting his feelings or for explaining why he was so set against it. When he’d first told the families over dinner that Mackenzie was coming to stay with them for a while, there had had been a quiet exchange between his grandparents and he immediately knew what that look meant.

They were understanding, supportive at least, but that meant nothing for the rest of his immediate family members.
How was he supposed to hide his relationship with Jared from his younger sister while Jared was living in the same house? He had started to mention how they were going to have to hide their true relationship from Mackenzie, and Jared had quite suddenly gotten quiet, distant, and refused to talk about it any longer.

So now Jensen was sitting in the pick-up truck, his heart racing with more nerves than excitement about seeing his sister. He slipped out of the truck and stood near the front, waiting for Mackenzie to appear on the street. When he saw her blonde hair bobbing into view, he found himself smiling and opening his arms for her to bound into.

“Oh, Jensen!” She exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly. “You look so good!”

“So do you! You’ve grown up!” He found himself laughing as he wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her feet off the ground as he spun her around. “It’s been way too long.”

“I know, I missed you so much,” she replied, as she squeezed him once more before stepping back. “How’s my niece doing?”

“Good, really good. I can’t wait for you to see her.” Mackenzie smiled, eyes lighting up and something warmed inside of Jensen when he realized that Mackenzie could see her, hold her and play with her without the looming presence of their father. It hit him then that his sister hadn’t actually held Jenna before, not once had she been allowed to with their father in the house. “She is going to love you.”

“I really, really hope so,” Mackenzie whispered back and slid into the truck's passenger seat while Jensen loaded her two bags into the back. Jensen gave his sister another big smile, focusing on the excitement his daughter would feel at being able to meet her aunt for the first time, and not on the nerves that had returned to circulate through his stomach at introducing her to Jared.



“Are you sure you’re not too tired?” Jensen asked, worried as he glanced over at Jenna who had her little arms wrapped tightly around her aunt’s neck.

“I’m sure,” Mackenzie laughed, turning her head to look at Jenna. “We’re just going to hang out, right Jenna?” Jenna nodded happily and Mackenzie turned back to her brother with a raised eyebrow. “Our grandmother and Mrs. Padalecki are making dinner so I told them I wouldn’t mind playing with Jenna. If I wanted to rest, I would be doing so. Now go!”

Jensen sighed, shaking his head at his sister’s stubbornness. The moment they’d arrived back at the farm, their grandmother had had a lunch spread set up and Jenna had attached herself to Mackenzie’s side immediately. She'd had a million questions -- How did Mackenzie get her hair to be so curly, would her hair ever be that long, how long had it been since Mackenzie had seen her daddy, how many times had she come to the farm—and Mackenzie had answered every question with a laugh or a smile, barely touching her lunch because Jenna had kept her so busy talking.

When Jensen had tried to get Jenna away and distract her, Mackenzie had immediately shot him down and shooed him out of the dining room, just as she was doing now.

“I want to get to know my niece, Jensen! Don’t worry, she isn’t bothering me one bit.”

Jensen had given in and let Mackenzie balance her lunch and his daughter in whatever way she saw fit. Martha had just rolled her eyes at him, patted his cheek and told him that he worried way too much.

Four hours later, Jenna still hadn’t relinquished her hold on Mackenzie. The fifteen-year-old shrugged off
Jensen’s worried glances and disappeared with Jenna out into the farmyard so she could be shown where all the animals lived.

“Well, don’t hesitate to tell her to go and play elsewhere if you do want to lie down. You’ve just traveled for two days…” Jensen said in parting, getting an eye roll from his sister, before he kissed Jenna’s head and disappeared into the barn to do the nightly milking for the cows.

“Your daddy worries too much,” Mackenzie laughed when he’d disappeared and pulled Jenna up onto her lap. Jenna had a picture book clutched in her hand and once she was settled, started flipping through the pages. “Does he always worry so much?”

“Yes!” Jenna answered, nodding her head very seriously. “Papa tells him that all of the time, too.”

“Oh does he?” Mackenzie nodded thoughtfully. “Does Papa help your Daddy with the cows?”

Jenna screwed up her face and shook her head. “No… Papa is afraid of the cows.”

Mackenzie paused, cocking her head to look down at Jenna who had stopped on a picture of Beauty and the Beast.

“What do you mean? Papa can’t be afraid of the cows… He’s had the cows for a very long time you know. Built this farm when my daddy was even younger than you!”

Jenna turned around on Mackenzie’s lap, her small face screwed up in confusion. “Grampy Al owned the farm before my daddy did… not Papa. Daddy always makes fun of him for being afraid of cows ‘cause he lives on a cow farm.”

“Jenna…” Mackenzie asked slowly, “Who’s Papa?”

“My papa is Jared,” Jenna said, matter-of-factly, and in Mackenzie’s silence, she turned back to the picture book she had in her hands. “Can you read me this story? It’s my favorite but Daddy and Papa don’t do the voices right.”

“Oh, um,” Mackenzie stumbled for a moment, trying to wrap her head around the information Jenna had just given her, but quickly recovered. “Sure, I can do that…” She cleared her throat and leaned back with Jenna into the cushions of the couch and started to read.



“Alright, bed time!” Jensen clapped his hands together, looking over at Jenna who was wrapped up in a bathrobe Martha had made her, hair still damp from her bath.

“But Daddy!” Jenna whined, and Jensen was quick to give her an admonishing look.

“Nope, it’s already way past your bedtime. Aunt Mac will be here in the morning when you get up and you’ll have plenty of time to spend with her.”

With a small pout, Jenna nodded and slipped off of her aunt’s lap. She made her way across the room and reached for Jared’s hand, making Jensen freeze as he moved to push off the couch.

“Oh.” Jared’s voice was surprised, and he looked between Jenna and Jensen quickly. “Am I reading to you tonight?”

“Yes, please!” Jenna answered, and Jared responded by picking her up. Jensen felt his heart rate pick up and he watched the two of them leave the room, grateful he hadn’t heard Jenna call Jared ‘Papa’. When he looked back over at his sister, Mackenzie’s green eyes had followed Jared and Jenna’s retreat and were still fixed on the doorway they’d disappeared through.

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat.

“Mackenzie?” he asked softly, clearing his throat. She jumped slightly and turned to face him, a brilliant smile on her lips.

“Jenna is a darling,” she sighed happily and leaned back into the couch. “And I understand why you wanted to come back here all those years...” Her voice was suddenly soft, almost sad sounding, and Jensen reached across the couch for her hand.

“I’m really glad you decided to come... Even if the situation wasn’t the best...” They fell into silence then, both lost in their own thoughts. When Mackenzie had called at the end of the summer, scared and sobbing, Jensen did the only thing he could think of and cleared a room for her. They hadn’t talked about it in detail—Mackenzie only saying that their father’s drinking had gotten worse and unbearable for her—and Jensen only hoped that his imagination was worse than her reality had been.

“I am too,” Mackenzie whispered after a second, leaning towards Jensen to rest her head on his shoulder. “Did you tell Josh I was here?”

“Yeah, I think he’s planning on coming for Christmas with the family if he can get away from work.” Mackenzie nodded her head and Jensen leaned down to rest his cheek against her hair. He closed his eyes and smiled, glad to be able to be with his sister again.

“I really like Jared,” she broke the silence again, and Jensen felt himself stiffen. Mackenzie continued, his reaction seemingly unnoticed, “and he’s really good with Jenna. I’m glad she has him.”

“Yeah,” Jensen squeezed out, glad his voice sounded mostly normal. “He, ah... Everyone on the farm is really taken with her.”

“Well, I’m really glad she’s got such a great family.” Mackenzie lifted her head, giving him a small smile before pressing her lips against his cheek softly. “I am glad you’re happy too,” she whispered before pushing away from him. “I’m going to bed... see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, okay. Night Mac...” Jensen nodded after her and sat frozen on the couch until Jared returned to fetch him. Jared pulled him up from the couch and Jensen gave him a small smile, allowing himself to be lead up the stairs. When they reached the top, Jensen’s eyes flicked over to Mackenzie’s closed door, and he stared at it until they were safely behind their own bedroom door. He clicked the lock, something he never did, and turned towards their bed.

If Jared noticed, he didn’t say anything.

December 25th, 1964
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen exhaled slowly, watching his steamy breath as it puffed around him in the cold air. It had snowed again last night, a fine dusting covering the barn and the yard, the white crystals sparkling dully in the predawn light. Jensen smiled to himself as he let himself into the barn, rubbing his gloved hands together before he went to fetch the first cow.

Jared had gotten up with him, too. The two of them were determined to get most of the chores done early, before the rest of the two households woke up. Jared was tending to the rest of the animals, and once Jensen was finished with the milking, they would both be able to wake up Jenna and have her see what Saint Nick had brought her.

He smiled as he pictured the wooden toboggan that Jared had spent the past month making in the hay loft and knew that the fresh snow from last night made perfect sledding conditions. Jared came to find him after all his chores had been completed, though he stayed at the barn’s doorway, eyes trailing nervously over the cow Jensen was working on.

“Almost done.” He chuckled at the expression on Jared’s face and turned back to finish what he was doing. Jared made a soft noise, content to lean against the doorframe and wait for Jensen to finish, even with the chill hanging in the air.

Jensen put the cows back in their pen, checked their food and water levels, and returned to the main part of the barn to see Jared putting the last of the milk into the storage tank, except for the small metal container Jensen had set aside for Martha. Jensen smiled and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Jared’s and soaking in his warmth.

“Merry Christmas, Jensen,” Jared breathed against his lips before kissing him again. Jensen smiled and wrapped his arms around Jared, pulling him close. Both of them knew this might be the only moment they could have alone together until it was time to retire for bed that night.

“Love you,” Jensen whispered back, pulling back to kiss Jared’s cheek one last time before releasing him. “Let’s go wake Jenna up.”

“Alright,” Jared agreed and pushed open the barn door, leading them out into an onslaught of frigid wind. When they reached the house, Gerry, Sherri and Megan were already making their way over towards the main house where Martha had begun preparing breakfast.

Mackenzie met them at the stairs with an excited Jenna bouncing in her arms. Josh stood behind her with his wife Ella holding their two-year-old son Christopher in her arms. Jensen and Jared nodded good morning to them all, and Jenna nearly burst from excitement.

“Merry Christmas, Daddy!” Jenna exclaimed, reaching out her arms for Jensen’s neck the moment he was within reach. “Can I see what Santa brought me?”

“Merry Christmas, baby girl,” Jensen kissed her on the nose once before setting her down on the floor. “And yes! Let’s go have a look!” Jenna bounded out of the kitchen, the Ackles’ siblings hot on her heels. Ella, Martha and Sherri followed along behind with trays filled with mugs of hot coffee and all of the fixings.

Jared came in behind them with his father and Albert, and everyone took seats around the Christmas tree. Jared sat beside Megan on the floor, his sister leaning into him, and Jensen smiled when Mackenzie mimicked the move and rested her head against his shoulder. Jenna was sitting on his lap, bouncing with just barely contained anticipation as she looked over the gifts adorning the skirt at the bottom of the tree.

Albert and Gerry took turns passing out the presents and even though this was now his third Christmas at the farm, it never ceased to amaze Jensen how comfortable and relaxed it was. Christmas back in Texas had never been like this. Josh had been the one to pass out the presents, and Jensen couldn’t remember the last time his father had made it into the living room to participate in even the smallest way.

Jenna was glowing by the time they’d finished, smiling at all of her gifts spread out before her. She’d gotten a new doll, complete with enough dresses to rival her own wardrobe, and she had it positioned beside a stuffed dog at the front of her new sled.

She was happily munching on a candy cane, her mouth stained bright red, as Mackenzie finished opening up her new Polaroid camera from their grandparents.

“Alright, I want pictures!” Mackenzie called out, loading the film box into the camera and pushing to her feet. She first took a picture of the Padalecki family, then Albert and Martha, next Josh and his family, and then turned to Jensen and Jenna. Jensen climbed up onto the couch and Jared shifted to move out of the picture. “Jenna, why don’t you sit between your Daddy and your Papa?” Mackenzie said, and the whole room froze.

“Okay!” Jenna agreed, oblivious, and quickly reached for Jared, beaming as she sat with one half of her body on each of their legs. Mackenzie reminded them to smile before snapping the picture.

Jensen thought his heart was going to beat right out of his chest.

Martha cleared her throat and stood, kissing Mackenzie’s cheek before asking Sherri and Ella to help her get the rest of breakfast set on the table. Jensen felt Jared slowly move away and slip from the room with his father, leaving just the remaining Ackles family in the living room.

“Jenna?” Jensen asked after a moment, giving his daughter a smile. “Why don’t you see if you can help Grammy set out the nice silverware?”

“Okay, Daddy!” Jenna placed her doll carefully on the sled, leaning down to give her a kiss before leaving the room, humming along to the Christmas song playing in her head. The room was silent and Jensen could feel both of his siblings’ eyes on him.

“How?” he asked after a moment, kicking at a discarded piece of wrapping paper with his socked foot.

“Jensen,” Mackenzie sighed and threw herself onto the couch beside him, looping their arms together. “Jenna told me the first day I was here.”

Jensen turned to her then, eyes wide. All this time he’d been worried... worried he would give something away if he looked at Jared for too long, worried about Jenna relying too much on the younger man for things that only her parent should be doing and Mackenzie figuring it out. Worrying that Jared would soon get fed up with being put on the back burner and almost hidden the moment they walked out of their bedroom –making sure to go to bed later than Mackenzie and get up before her— and Mac had already known.

Josh however, had not. “Wait... What?” he asked from the floor, shooting looks between his siblings and then over his shoulder to where their grandfather sat quietly watching them all. “I don’t understand. You can’t possibly mean...”

Mackenzie rolled her eyes and raised an eyebrow as she looked at Josh. Jensen knew the look on her face, had spent enough years with Mackenzie to know her looks and quirks, while Josh had spent most of her childhood working or away. He stared right back at her until it dawned on him what she meant and his eyes widened.

“Josh...” Jensen said slowly, watching as an array of emotions played out over his brother’s face.

“How long?” Josh demanded and Jensen flinched visibly at the tone in his brother’s voice. Josh’s verdant eyes snapped up, pinning Jensen to the spot and he felt Mackenzie stiffen at his side.

“Josh... It’s Christmas...” she whispered, but Josh’s gaze was unwavering.

“I... does it matter?” Jensen answered, giving a small shrug. Josh blinked once, shaking his head slowly.

“I don’t... you have a child...” Josh trailed off, and a look of disgust crossed his face before he could hide it.

“And so do you, what does that have to do with anything?” Mackenzie fired at him and Jensen closed his eyes, not wanting to see the expression on Josh’s face as he turned to Mackenzie.

“I’m married and certainly not a fa-"

“Enough.” Albert’s voice was soft, but the tone was sharp and it silenced the room, save for the pounding of Jensen’s heart forcing blood through his veins. Josh tore his eyes away from Mackenzie and glared at their grandfather. “I will not have that horrible word used in my house,” he told Josh sternly, fixing him with just as hard of a stare. With a soft but commanding tone, Albert finished, “Who your brother chooses to love and who chooses to love him and that little girl does not affect anyone in this room, other than Jensen himself and his little one. Your brother is the same man he was this morning and you seemed just fine with him then.”

“I don’t have a problem,” Josh replied, shrugging his shoulders, but Jensen didn’t need to see his brother’s face to know he was lying. His heart squeezed and he kept silent, watching as Josh pushed up from the floor. “I’m going to see if Ella needs me to take Christopher.”

When he had left, Mackenzie reached for Jensen’s hand. “I’m sorry... I didn’t think. I just... wanted you to know that I knew and that I didn’t care...”

“It’s not your fault, Mac,” Jensen answered, hoping the smile he gave her was enough for her to drop it. She nodded once, leaning back against his shoulder and giving a small sigh.

“He’ll come around. Josh loves you,” she said, and Jensen couldn’t do anything except nod. He looked up and met Albert’s kind eyes and his fond, small smile. But deep in his heart Jensen knew that Mackenzie was wrong.

March 29th, 1965
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen paced the front porch, eyes trained towards the driveway.

“Jensen? Come on, come inside…” Jared sighed from the screen door, watching as Jensen turned around again.

“She said she would be home by ten. It’s almost ten thirty!” Jensen looked at his watch quickly and then shot Jared a look. The younger man was smirking at him, and Jensen scowled before turning away.

“Oh, I just can’t wait for Jenna to go out on a date,” Jared chuckled, and Jensen froze.

“You’re not even funny.” He shook his head, the look on his face only causing Jared to laugh harder. Jared slipped out of the door completely and moved behind Jensen, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him back against his chest.

“You’re over-reacting,” he whispered against Jensen’s ear before kissing it, smiling as a shiver went through Jensen’s body.

“I am not. It’s snowing out... they could get in an accident or—"

“They could be having fun...” Jared interjected, squeezing once before releasing him. “Jense, she’s been seeing this guy for over two months now.”

“And he never brings her home on time!” Jensen turned around, exasperated. “I mean, if the guy doesn’t even know how to tell time, then I really don’t know what she sees in him.”

“His bright blue eyes? The way he laughs? The leather jacket that is just—" Jared stopped mid-sentence and laughed when Jensen caught his eye. “Oh, come on, don’t give me that look.”

“You’re checking out my little sister’s boyfriend.” Jensen shook his head.

“He’s got nothing on you,” Jared whispered, pulling Jensen back in.

“Not going to cut it.” Jensen shook his head but let himself lean back into Jared’s arms. They stood, watching the snow slowly falling to the ground, until headlights appeared coming from down the road. Jensen straightened and pushed Jared back. “Come on!” He shoved past Jared and into the house, holding the door open for a laughing Jared.

“Mackenzie probably already knows that you’ve been waiting for her,” Jared laughed, trailing after Jensen into the living room. Jensen ignored him and reached for a book, opening it to the middle as he quickly curled up on the couch and pretended to read. Jared sank down beside him, propping his feet up onto the edge of the coffee table.

Jensen flipped the book open to the middle and stared at the unread page, waiting for the sound of Lee Seymour’s Mustang doors –because of course, the guy had a Mustang—signaling that Mackenzie would be on her way inside. Jared’s elbow to his side had Jensen looking up to see Mackenzie pulling her boyfriend along with her into the house.

Jensen put the book down, eyes flicking between the two of them, suddenly nervous. Although they’d met the young man a few times, Martha having insisted that Mackenzie invite him over for dinner a few times, he’d never before come inside after dropping Mackenzie off after one of their dates.

Instantly, Jensen remembered being dragged inside to the Sheppard house with Rosemary to announce their pregnancy to her parents and his heart stopped. He tensed and felt Jared shoot him a look, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from his little sister who was shifting nervously in the doorway. Lee cleared his throat and Jensen slid his eyes over and up to his face.

“Jensen... Mr. Ackles, Sir...” Jensen heard Jared stifle a laugh at the name and he fought the urge to glare at him. Instead, he pushed off of the couch and crossed the room to stand before Lee and Mackenzie, his arms crossed, and what he hoped was an imposing look on his face.

“Jensen,” Mackenzie sighed, knowing exactly what her older brother was doing. He ignored her, eyes trained on Lee’s face—the sweat that was breaking out over the boy’s upper lip, the way his eyes kept darting nervously to Jensen’s.

“I... I want to ask you for Mackenzie’s hand... in marriage, I mean…” Jensen felt his eyes widen and heard the sharp intake of breath from Jared behind him. Lee pressed on quickly, barely giving Jensen a second to register his words. “Mackenzie and I haven’t been together long, I know that, but I have fallen madly in love with this girl. She’s stolen my heart.”

Jensen glanced over at Mackenzie who was smiling broadly, staring at Lee’s face while he talked.

“I’ve just joined the military,” the boy continued and Jensen’s eyes snapped back to his. “I’m now part of the 76th Infantry division in the Army Reserves. I’ll be starting my training soon and then I plan on going to law school. I want the same things Mackenzie does… a family to call my own, a wife and kids to provide for and love. And I can give her all that and more when I finish law school.

“You’re her older brother, sir... but Mackenzie has told me enough to know that your blessing and acceptance would mean the world to her, much more than it would coming from your father. You’re the most important man in her life. So, I am asking you for your blessing.”

Jensen stared at Lee, standing almost at attention as he stared back at Jensen, hopeful eyes nearly pleading, waiting in the awkward silence. Beside him Mackenzie was glaring. Jensen was at a loss for what words to say.

He glanced at Mackenzie and met her eyes. “I love him, Jen.”

What he wanted to ask her was, why? Why would she choose someone who willingly signs their life away to the Army? Someone who will get deployed and come back cold, calloused and uncaring … like their father. They were barely old enough to know what they wanted—Mackenzie had just turned sixteen, the boy beside her just out of high school and they’d already talked about children and marriage? Jensen swallowed the lump in his throat and felt Jared stir from behind him, fighting back the urge to lean into the warmth of his body.

Mackenzie looked so beautiful, hopeful as she waited for her brother’s response. Jensen knew that no matter what he said, even if he threw Lee out right now, it wouldn’t change the way Mackenzie felt about the man, only the way she would feel about Jensen. How could he explain to her the fear he had about Mackenzie ending up like their mother without having her scoff and roll her eyes? She was young, and in love, and nothing Jensen could say would change that. Life and its reality would be the one to change it.

Jensen promised himself right then and there that he would be the one to pick up the pieces—any of them—and make sure that Mackenzie always had a safe place to call home. Out loud he promised them something else. “I will give you my blessing, because I want Mackenzie happy more than anything. But, I will ensure that happiness, no matter what the cost.”

A moment of confusion passed over Lee’s face before he smiled and reached for Jensen’s hand, giving him a firm handshake before Mackenzie squealed and wrapped her arms around Jensen’s neck. Jensen gave her a hug back and then excused himself, taking the stairs two at a time to his room. Jared followed nearly fifteen minutes later, and the moment the door was closed, Jensen was on him.

“Jensen,” Jared started as Jensen worked at the buttons of his clothes, freeing him of them before shoving him back onto their bed. Jared bounced once against the mattress, gasping out loud, before Jensen was over him.

“Shut up,” Jensen whispered, claiming Jared’s mouth with his own. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Jared nodded once and Jensen reached for the light on the nightstand, plunging the room into darkness.

They moved together, touching and kissing in the dark. Jared’s hands pressed and pulled against him, rolling them over until he could slip down Jensen’s body, his mouth and teeth leaving a trail as he went. Jensen let his eyes fall closed, his hands knotting into Jared’s hair and he realized that he and Jared would never have that. Jensen would never be able to ask his father, or Gerry, for Jared’s hand in marriage—they were never going to be married.

As Jared slipped between his legs, filling him completely and his name on Jared’s lips, Jensen’s last thought, before he pushed everything else besides Jared away, was that at least hidden in the dark, they could have this, they could have each other. Mackenzie deserved to shine in the light.


Master Post || Chapter Eight || Chapter Ten

October 20th, 1962
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen made his way through the woods, singing to Jenna who would chime in every once in a while with a couple of words she could remember. Jensen laughed along with her, humming and encouraging her to do the words; she stumbled over half of them, but to Jensen’s ears there wasn’t any better music out there.

When they reached the clearing, Jensen looked up to see that Jared was already sitting at the base of the oak, a large blanket spread out underneath him. As they got closer it looked like he’d snagged some maple candy from the kitchen before he set out for the oak. Jenna was going to love him for that.

He smiled when Jared looked up and met his eyes and was about to open his mouth to call out a greeting when Jenna beat him to it.

“Papa!” She cried out, her arms outstretched and fingers wiggling for Jared. Both of the men froze, Jared midway from pushing off of the ground, as Jenna squirmed harder in Jensen’s arms. “Papa! Daddy, it’s Papa!”

“That’s… Jared, Jenna,” Jensen corrected and slowly set Jenna on the ground. She stumbled once in the long grass before she bolted forward to where Jared was still frozen.

“No, Papa!” Jenna argued and giggled when Jared finally reached for her and lifted her up into a hug. His eyes were wide and he looked over the top of her head to Jensen, unsure of what to do. Though he had no idea where Jenna picked it up, he was shocked at the jolt it gave his heart.

“Ignore it?” he mouthed to Jared, giving him a small shrug. Although it may have been endearing to hear, it wasn’t fair to any of them involved. And if his grandparents or the Padaleckis heard Jenna call Jared that? Jared nodded once, eyes still wide as if he’d been caught red-handed, and Jensen turned his attention to his daughter.

The three-year-old was sitting between Jared’s legs, snacking on one of the maple candies she’d taken from the bag Jared had, and was recounting a tale about her morning in the kitchen with her Grandma and Aunt Sherri. Jensen bit his lower lip—maybe letting Jenna call Gerry and Sherri Aunt and Uncle had stemmed the ‘Papa’ name for Jared… Though, Jensen highly doubted Jenna truly understood the way a family tree worked.

They stayed in the comforting shade of the big oak tree, Jenna telling them a halting, fanciful story about a flying horse that picked up lost children and brought them to live at a magical farm, until it was time to head back to their afternoon chores. Jensen still had to round up the cows and get them fed and prepared for milking that evening, and Jared offered to help Jenna search for the perfect pumpkin to carve into a jack-o'-lantern.

“Jared would probably love to help you carry it if you choose a really, really big one.” Jensen smiled down at her, swinging her small hand in his as they walked. Jenna gave him a strange look but didn’t correct him on the name.

“Okay!” she agreed and beamed up at Jared, dropping her dad’s hand so that Jared would carry her instead.

“You’re almost getting too big for this…” Jared grumbled, but he was smiling, both dimples showing when he had her secured in his arms. Jenna laughed and immediately started playing with Jared’s hair, talking to him about how her daddy wouldn’t grow his longer, even though she’d asked him nicely and with a cherry-on-top.

Jensen shook his head and watched them continue down the path, separating from him when they reached the barn. Jared looked so carefree, so different than Jensen himself had felt at eighteen, as he walked with Jenna, bouncing her lightly in his arms, and it made something inside of Jensen ache so badly.

July 19th, 1963
Somerset, Vermont

“Jared, stop,” Jensen sighed against Jared’s lips and pushed at his chest. They were in the barn, in their loft, and what was supposed to be a quick kiss between their chores was quickly getting heated. It had been happening a lot more lately, Jared pushing the boundaries that Jensen had very clearly set when they started out on this journey. And really, Jensen didn’t want to stop, he had never wanted anything less. But they were in the open, they could get caught…

“Make up your mind!” Jared suddenly hissed, ripping his hands away from Jensen when he reached for him again. His eyes flashed and Jensen felt fear and guilt swirl through his gut at the sudden reaction. It was rare for Jared to be anything less than happy and excited, but to see him angry… it sent a strange warmth pooling in Jensen’s stomach and he had to take a step back from him. Jared’s eyes followed him, still angry, still sharp, and Jensen closed his eyes, shaking his head.

He wanted to tell Jared that he knew, that he understood how hard this was, that he wanted this just as badly. But it was dangerous… what they were doing was so very, very dangerous. He met Jared’s eyes, pleading with his own, trying to get him to see. Jared laughed, the sound cold and harsh as tears filled his eyes. “Sometimes I wish I’d never met you at all, Jensen.”

“Jared, please …don’t say that,” Jensen felt his heart clench, as if it was preparing itself against being ripped from his chest, digging in its roots. He felt instantly cold, a chill going down his spine as he started back at Jared whose impassive expression made Jensen want to vomit.

“No, I’m serious. You can hide all you want, I’m not ashamed of who I am, Jensen. I can’t do this anymore… the sneaking around and hiding. It’s been two years, Jensen. The people who truly matter? They won’t care…” Jared shook his head, swallowing hard before he spat, “I’ll tell everyone! I’ll scream it to the goddamn world, and you’ll be the one who’s still alone.” Jensen gasped sharply, the sound so raw and desperate it made them both flinch.

Jensen didn’t know what to say to that. Jared was wrong. People would care, their entire lives would change and nothing would ever be the same. This farm, everything that their families had built over the years could be gone in the blink of an eye. Jenna… Jenna could be taken from him and there would be nothing in the world he could do. His stomach flipped at the very thought of it and he felt himself begin to tremble.

Jared laughed once more and then started down the ladder of the loft, shaking his head as he went. He glanced up at Jensen when he was at the bottom and opened his mouth like he was going to add something. Jensen wanted him to, desperately. He wanted Jared to realize how foolish he was being, wanted Jared to climb back up the ladder and come back into his arms. Instead, Jared stalked away shaking his head ruefully, before he ripped the barn door open and fled into the night, leaving Jensen alone.

Jensen waited there in the loft for what felt like hours—and maybe it was. By the time he went back inside, his grandparents were all ready for bed; Martha had curlers in her hair, Albert was in his bathrobe, and they were sitting around the kitchen table with their mugs of warm milk listening to the radio. It had been turned down low so all Jensen could hear was the soft murmuring.

“Jensen?” Martha looked up and gave her grandson a small smile. “Jared get home okay?”

Jensen sighed. He sank down into a free chair and laid his arms across the table. “I… don’t know,” he shrugged after a moment. “We were… arguing about… some of the work I asked him to do today. He was pretty mad. I don’t know where he would go if he didn’t go home, though.”

Martha and Albert exchanged looks across the table and Albert nodded once before pushing out of his chair.

“I’ll be right back,” he said and left the kitchen. Jensen heard the creak of the screen door opening and he looked at his grandmother in confusion.

“Where is he going?” Martha shrugged and looked down at her hands, obviously wanting to wait for Albert to return before explaining. Jensen’s heart skipped a beat when he thought of what his grandfather was doing. Did he think Jensen couldn’t handle a simple argument? Although he appreciated and respected his grandparents’ opinions… if Albert was going to get Jared? He shuddered at the thought of what might come out of Jared’s angry mouth.

When Albert came back he looked pale. Jensen shot up straighter in his seat, suddenly worried at the expression on his grandfather’s face.

“He’s not home,” Albert said, his attention focused completed on his wife. “Sherri said she hadn’t heard him come in, checked his room and he’s not there…”

“Oh, Albert… do you think….” Martha’s voice was strained and Jensen looked between them completely confused at why they were so worried that he and Jared had had an argument.

“He’s probably just blowing off steam. He’ll be where he needs to be in the morning, why are you so worried?” Albert shook his head but it was Martha, her eyes swimming with unshed tears that had Jensen feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head. “What?” he whispered. “What am I missing?”

“Jensen… There was an attack in town…” Albert started and Martha tore her eyes away and looked down at her hands which were now clenched into a tight knot on the tabletop.

“Okay…” Jensen said slowly. “What kind of attack?”

“A... homosexual man was… attacked.”

Jensen’s eyes widened and his heart stopped completely. He felt the knot forming in his throat and his eyes darted back and forth between his grandparents.

“But, Jared—” He started, not knowing what he could possibly say to that. His mind was going a million miles per hour. Had Jared really gone to town and screamed of his sexuality? Jared wouldn’t be that stupid… But if he had… Jensen swallowed hard, focusing on his grandfather’s face.

“Jensen, we’ve known for a while now about Jared.”

“And about you…,” Martha added softly, one gnarled hand reaching towards him to squeeze his arm gently.

“Why do you… why do you think it’s Jared?” Jensen whispered, pushing back the rise of bile in his throat and fighting back the urge to flee. They knew, they knew about him and Jared. How did they know? What did they know?

“They described the man on the radio, and from what they described…” Albert replied slowly and Jensen was on his feet.

“Okay… okay, well then… I’ll have to go to the hospital… I have to get him.”

“Jensen... No…” Martha whispered and a tear streaked down her cheek. Jensen watched as it rolled down her face, paused at a wrinkle on her cheek before dropping down onto the hardwood table.

“Son… the poor man… the man was beaten to death.”

“Jensen?” His grandmother was at his side, touching his face, her eyes wide and alarmed. Vaguely, Jensen realized the chair he’d just vacated was now on the floor, but he hadn’t heard the crash, hadn’t remembered causing it to fall. “Jensen!”

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move. He felt as if he had swallowed a rock and was going to choke to death on it…or maybe it was his heart…

Now, all he could picture was Jared lying bloodied in a ditch, dirt and blood marring his beautiful face. Jared, choking on his own blood, gasping for breath as pain wracked his body. Jared left to die. He heard a sob, felt something rip out of his throat, but couldn’t register the two as being one in the same. His grandmother slapped him and he gasped, sucking in a deep breath, tears streaming down his face.

“Where …was it?” he demanded, eyes widening as he took in his grandfather’s expression… pity and a strange sort of understanding. But he couldn’t know, he couldn’t know what Jensen was feeling. “Where is he?”

“I… I don’t know,” came the reply and Jensen tore out of his grandmother’s arms and burst from the house, the cool night air sending a chill up his spine. Nausea rolled through his stomach. He tore past Jared’s house, eyes darting up to Jared’s bedroom window where, normally, his light would still be on and he would be reading until the early hours of the morning.

The room was dark, just like the rest of the house, and Jensen cried out in frustration. He ran through the barn, calling Jared’s name, not caring if he woke up the Padaleckis in his frantic search. He was met with an odd silence, not even the crickets out in the fields were singing their songs.

“The tree…” Jensen whispered to himself and spun in the yard. He raced down the driveway, flinging himself through the front gate and across the road to where the path through the woods was. He tore through it, tripping over the underbrush in the darkness. When he reached the tree, he felt like his heart had officially been ripped from his chest.

He fell to his knees, heaving as giant sobs ripped through his chest. It couldn’t be true. Jared couldn’t be dead. He screamed in frustration, punching his fist into the tree. He punched it again, and again, welcoming the sharp sting of pain in his fingers.

He should have told Jared. He should have told him that he loved him too. God forgive him, he was in love with Jared. And Jared would never know; Jared was killed because of it. Jensen leaned forward, gripping the gnarled root of the tree beneath his knees.

Jensen should have pushed Jared away sooner. He should have made Jared go to school, refused to keep him on as hired help or something, anything to get him to leave. Jensen felt empty, cold, and everything hurt. It was his fault. He killed Jared, he killed him by loving him, by not loving him enough to make him go…

Because then Jared would still be alive. Beautiful, strong and smart Jared… everything Jensen could only ever hope to be. Jared had been near perfect, so full of life, always smiling and ready to lend a helping hand – no matter who you were. He had a positive spin to add to everything, always lifted Jensen’s spirits when he was down. He had a fire that burned within him that helped ignite something inside of Jensen and he knew that in the short time they’d been close, Jared had already made him a better person.

And Jenna... What was he supposed to tell Jenna? She thought the world of Jared. Already, Jensen saw so much of Jared reflected in his daughter, more than just their similar looks. Although they’d since discouraged her calling Jared ‘Papa’, Jensen couldn’t deny that it was probably the most accurate name she could have given him. Jared cared as much for Jenna as Jensen himself did. The thought of telling Jenna that Jared would never be coming back had vomit rising to his throat.

Maybe he should’ve let Jenna and Jared have that—now Jared would never have kids, would never make it out of his teenage years. Jared would never be able to live up to all the potential Jensen knew he possessed. And because of what? Because someone disapproved of whom Jared loved? It made Jensen sick, that someone with such a beautiful soul could be treated as such. Jensen knew in his heart there was no way someone like Jared would ever be damned, no matter whom or what he decided to love. God could never be that cruel.

“Jensen?”

Jensen choked on a sob, his head flying up as he watched a tall figure approaching him. Jensen stared dumbly until all of Jared’s features were illuminated by the moonlight.

“Jensen, what-"

“Jared!” Jensen threw himself forward then, pushing off the ground and into Jared’s arms in one swift movement. Jared’s body was hard, firm and warm. “You’re alive! Oh God, you’re alive,” he was sobbing against Jared’s chest, clinging to his body as if Jared were the only thing keeping him grounded here on Earth. And maybe he was.

In response, Jared wrapped his arms around him, rocking their bodies together. He shushed him softly, the same way he soothed Jenna when she scraped her knee or became frightened. At first, it only made Jensen cry harder. Jared kissed the side of Jensen’s face, his hands rubbing soothing circles down Jensen’s back until the older man finally calmed down.

Jensen collapsed back onto the ground, sucking in a shaky breath as he pulled Jared down beside him. Jared leaned back against the tree, watching Jensen carefully. Slowly, Jared reached up and wiped the remaining tears from Jensen’s face.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, and Jensen shook his head, leaning into his touch. Instead of answering, Jensen turned and sealed their lips together. Jared made a surprised sound in his throat but quickly regained his composure and kissed Jensen back, just as deeply.

Part of Jensen briefly wondered if Jared was still mad from their fight. The rest of him decided it didn’t matter; none of it mattered because Jared was here, Jared was alive. He pushed against Jared and Jared allowed himself to be pushed back until he was lying flat on the ground. Jared shifted once, adjusting his body so that whatever was digging into him –rocks, roots, twisted up grass—wasn’t digging in so painfully and then Jensen was on him.

Jensen found Jared’s lips again. He licked Jared’s lower lip, sucking it into his mouth gently and Jared responded with a soft moan that sent a shock through Jensen’s body. He slotted their legs together; ground his hips down against Jared’s thigh. He let his hands trail up between their bodies, pushing Jared’s shirt up and out of the way. His hands were cold and Jared shivered under his touch.

Jensen kissed him harder, fingers digging into Jared’s skin as he mapped out every inch of him he could reach. As his hands trailed back down, fingers dancing across the hemline of Jared’s jeans, Jared moaned into Jensen’s mouth again. There was nothing else in the world like that sound and Jensen would do everything in his power to hear it again. He flicked the top button of Jared’s jeans, slipped his hand beneath the fabric, and then his fingers were brushing against Jared’s length. Jared’s eyes widened in shock and Jensen realized how in his desperate need to be against Jared, they’d never actually gone this far.

Although Jared had tried, more than once, Jensen had always pushed him away, drawn back before things advanced too far, before things could get to the point where there would be no turning back. Jensen looked up and met Jared’s wide eyes, full of fear, anticipation, and so full of that beautiful hope that Jared never seemed to lack. Jensen pulled back, ignoring the look of disappointment on Jared’s face, and cupped his cheeks with both of his hands.

“I thought you were dead,” he whispered and Jared’s disappointment was replaced with confusion. He opened his mouth to ask, but Jensen pressed a finger against his lips. “I was so afraid I had lost you, before I ever had the chance to tell you. And it may be wrong… hell, Jared, it is wrong. But so help me, I love you, Jared Padalecki. I love you more than anything.” Jared made a strangled sound in his throat and Jensen leaned forward, crushing their lips together.

“I should’ve told you,” he whispered, kissing Jared softly. “I’m scared, I’m absolutely terrified of this, but what scares me more is losing you.”

“Jensen,” Jared whispered, tears shining in his eyes. "I don’t understand...” he stopped and shook his head, pressing his head up into the crook of Jensen’s neck. He laughed softly, his breath warm against Jensen’s skin. “I love you, too.”

Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared’s shoulders, holding them together. Jared smiled against Jensen’s skin and pressed a soft kiss just beneath his ear. Jared’s hands were tentative as they traveled up Jensen’s back, and Jensen realized that Jared was giving him this, giving him all of the control. Jensen felt his heart surge, and he returned his attention to showering Jared with as many kisses as possible.

Jared hummed under his hands, his skin shivering and heating with every touch. Jensen had never felt so alive as he did right then. He leaned down, pressing his lips against the pulse point in Jared’s neck, kissing the spot, feeling the soft flutter against his lips. Jensen couldn’t feel where he ended and Jared began, their bodies morphing into one.

Slowly, they undressed one another; shirts and t-shirts becoming the blanket beneath them. Jensen’s stomach was in knots the entire time, but it was something so completely different than the way he’d felt with Rosemary. He was nervous, afraid he would do something wrong and end up hurting Jared, but even with the anticipation fluttering in his stomach, this felt right.

Jensen wasn’t sure what to think about that; he’d analyze it later if he truly had to. Right then, he was surrounded by everything Jared. His heat, his mouth, his body and soul, and as Jared pushed on Jensen’s shoulders, rolling them over, Jensen had never wanted anything more.

They kissed slowly, hands exploring every inch of one another. Now with Jared finally pressed against him, both of them naked as they day they were born, Jensen felt his himself freeze. Jared pulled back slightly and met his eyes, matching Jensen’s nervous smile.

“I... I don’t know what to do now,” Jensen said with a soft laugh, feeling his cheeks flush a deep red. Jared nodded once and kissed Jensen softly.

“We don’t have to do anything,” he whispered back. “I’m just happy to be with you. Just to feel you…”

Jensen swallowed hard, the next words escaping his lips surprising them both. “I want you to, Jared... I want you to make love to me.” He felt Jared’s body roll against him, knew that Jared was on board with the idea.

“Okay,” Jared whispered, his voice strained. Jensen smiled at him, pushing back the knot of nerves forming in his stomach, and leaned up to kiss Jared again.

“I don’t know...” Jensen felt himself blush again and he looked down. He’d only been with one woman before and he was sure Jared had never been with anyone. When his dreams had traveled this far, things were always ready, easy, and Jensen knew that reality was way more complicated. “I’ve never... I mean...”

“I’ve... practiced before,” Jared cleared his throat and bit his lower lip. “On myself... a few times...” Jensen stared at him, surprised at the warmth that spread through his body at the thought of Jared touching himself. Slowly, Jared reached into his pocket for a small glass jar.

“I… always kind of hoped…” Jared’s voice was shaking, his cheeks flushed bright red. He cleared his throat once and shrugged. “The vet left this behind the last time he was here for the cows… I’ve seen them use it a few times when they help with the births…” If possible, Jared blushed harder and he shook his head quickly. “I’ve used it before too, on myself I mean.” Jensen nodded again, stomach twisting when he realized what the jar Jared held was going to be used for.

“Okay,” Jensen whispered after a moment, and Jared glanced back up, meeting his eyes. “I trust you.” Jared gave him a small smile and Jensen ran his hands up his arms, the muscles in Jared’s arms and shoulders contracting under his touch. The next kiss he gave Jared was soft, unhurried, and Jared seemed to melt against him.

Slowly, almost too slowly, Jared trailed his hands down Jensen’s chest, freezing when they got to Jensen’s hips. They locked eyes and Jensen nodded once, letting his legs fall open and inviting Jared in. Using just the tips of his fingers, Jared slid across Jensen’s lower stomach and through the soft curls of hair. When Jared’s fingers finally came into contact with the Jensen’s swollen length, he gasped and couldn’t stop his hips from arching into Jared’s touch.

Encouraged, Jared wrapped his long fingers around Jensen, squeezing him gently. Unlike Rosemary, whose hands were soft, cool and small, Jared’s hands were rough, warm, and were able to cover almost all of Jensen’s length completely. He gasped and Jared leaned forward, capturing the sound with his mouth.

Jared caressed Jensen slowly, his tongue tangling with Jensen’s own, sliding at the same pace of his hand. Jared shifted to his side, most of his weight on his knees, and with his free hand he pressed the jar against his knee, twisting the cap off before dipping his fingers into the lubricant. Jensen eyed it carefully, watching as Jared slid down between his thighs. Jensen stiffened slightly, and Jared paused, giving Jensen a small smile.

“Relax, Jensen,” he whispered, kissing his cheek softly. “I’ll stop if you want me too.”

“No.” Jensen shook his head and exhaled slowly. “No, don’t stop.”

Jared nodded once against his neck, kissing him softly, his fingers slipping between Jensen’s cheeks, pressing softly against his entrance. He forced himself to relax, to focus on Jared’s other hand working at his erection, his lips pressing and whispering against his ear. When Jared finally pushed a slick fingertip in, Jensen winced and felt his entire body jolt.

“You have to relax, Jense…” Jared’s voice was soft. His hands stilled, and he kissed every inch of Jensen’s face until, slowly, Jensen felt himself relax again. His heart was pounding in his chest, his body fighting against the intrusion; he almost told Jared to stop, that this was the reason this was wrong. When he opened his eyes, Jared was staring down at him with so much love and concern that the words became stuck in his throat. Slowly, Jensen nodded.

Jared gave him a smile and resumed kissing down the side of Jensen’s neck. This time, his hands were still and he continued moving down Jensen’s body, kissing and biting, licking across Jensen’s chest. He shivered and felt himself hardening again against Jared’s chest.

Just as Jared’s slick finger started pressing against his entrance again and Jensen started to tense, Jared slipped down completely and suddenly his mouth was surrounding the head of Jensen’s dick. It was hot and wet and Jensen completely forgot about anything other than the sensation of Jared’s tongue against his swollen flesh.

Jensen closed his eyes and focused on Jared, the way he was making his entire body thrum to life. Jensen’s heart was beating, his breath was coming in short gasps, his lower body was full and floating and on fire, all at the same time. He gasped as Jared twisted two fingers slowly inside of him, the feeling just barely on the side of uncomfortable, until he did something that sent a shock through him. Jared froze, eyes wide as he stared down at Jensen. Jensen’s entire body felt strung like a coil, and it took him a moment before he nodded and Jared returned to the task at hand.

Jared hummed around him, the sound sending vibrations through Jensen’s stomach, and he heard himself gasp out loud. When Jared withdrew his fingers, Jensen was surprised at the feeling of loss he felt, and he looked down to see Jared slipping two of his fingers back into the jar, coating them once more before he was back and slipping them inside of Jensen.

Jensen wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be feeling. He’d never actually imagined he would get to this point, with anyone, never mind with Jared. He was drowning in Jared, filled completely to the brim with the love he felt for the younger man. He reached for Jared then, grabbing his arms to pull him up to seal their lips together again. He pushed everything he was feeling through the kiss, hoping that Jared understood.

Jared moaned against his lips and dragged his hands up Jensen’s body, fingers digging into the muscles of his stomach. “You can still tell me to—"

“Please,” Jensen responded, cutting Jared off with a soft bite to his lower lip. Jared nodded and Jensen allowed him to guide his legs around Jared’s hips, angling his own up to give Jared access. Jared’s hazel eyes never left Jensen’s, kept complete contact as he scooped out a good amount of the lubricant and reached down to stroke himself. Jensen nodded once and Jared slid his hand down the back of Jensen’s thigh, pulling his legs open wider, and suddenly he was there, pushing in, filling Jensen completely.

Jensen groaned, forcing himself to keep his eyes open and joined with Jared’s. It was a slow, dragging pain as Jared pushed deep inside, and yet Jensen didn’t… hate it. The fact that it was uncomfortable made him think back to his first time with Rosemary and her initial discomfort; it was almost comical that he was comparing himself to a girl, knowing how much Alan would get a kick out of it were he privy to the inside of Jensen’s mind.

Jared exhaled, his entire body shaking on his arms which were bracketed on either side of Jensen’s head. His eyes fluttered closed and he cursed, and Jensen felt him twitch deep inside of him. The feeling was different than anything Jensen had ever felt, but it brought him closer to Jared. Jared was inside of him, connected with him in the most intimate way, and for the life of him Jensen couldn’t understand why that was so wrong.

“Jensen,” Jared whispered his name, swallowing hard as shifted his hips and followed with him, tightening his legs around Jared’s back. “I love you, so much.”

Jensen reached for him, running his hand through Jared’s long hair and pulling him down, kissing him deeply. Jared made a strangled sound against his lips and then started to move… he rolled his hips slowly, the burning between Jensen’s legs slowly morphing into something that was edging near pleasant.

When Jared’s kisses became sloppier and he was panting into Jensen’s mouth, he knew Jared was close to his climax. Jensen shifted his hips up, and when Jared gasped, Jensen knew he’d gotten the angle of his hips right. Jared suddenly froze above him, a strangled gasp leaving his lips, and Jensen rocked up against him, wrapping his arms around Jared’s back as he spilled his release.

Jared collapsed against him and Jensen immediately found his lips, kissing him softly. Jared lay half on top of him, his breathing coming in heavy pants. When Jared had caught his breath, he brought Jensen to completion with a few quick strokes.

They lay there underneath the oak tree until they couldn’t ignore the chill of the night air anymore.

“Jensen?” Jared asked as he pushed himself into a sitting position, pulling Jensen up with him. “Why… why were you out here?”

“Jared… I thought…” Jensen exhaled slowly, his entire body shaking as he remembered the way he’d torn from the house, believing that Jared was gone. “A man was killed tonight… in town… for being gay… and my grandparents, they thought…” Jensen’s eyes widened. “They think you’re dead. What if they’re telling your parents? Oh my God! Get dressed. Jared, we have to go!”

“But—” Jared allowed himself to be yanked to his feet, and Jensen quickly picked up their clothes, throwing his own on and giving Jared just enough time to get his back on before he was yanking him back down the path.

When they reached the farmhouse, Jared’s parents were sitting on the porch with Jensen’s grandparents and all four of them looked up as they heard the two sets of quick boot steps approaching. Sherri let out a scream and she flew off of the porch, immediately wrapping herself around Jared and pulling him tightly against her chest. Somehow, even though she stood almost a foot shorter than her nineteen year old son, Jared seemed dwarfed as he let himself sink into her embrace.

“I’m okay, Mama,” Jared mumbled against her hair, and then all that could be heard was the soft sound of the crickets and Sherri’s soft sobbing. Jensen looked up and saw his grandparents smiling, relief easily seen on their faces.

“Where was he?” Albert asked when Jensen joined them on the porch, switching spots with Gerry who now had his arms around his family.

“He found me,” Jensen replied with a shrug, smiling softly as he looked over at Jared with his parents.

“We’re so glad he’s okay,” Martha whispered back, patting Jensen’s cheek softly. “I’ll be making a special breakfast in the morning.”

“Thank you, guys,” Jensen murmured softly, feeling his cheeks flush and he forced himself to look down at the wooden planks beneath his feet.

Albert shifted once beside him, just as uncomfortable as Jensen before he cleared his throat. “I’m not going to pretend that I understand it, because I don’t. But… I understand you, Jensen, the person you are and the person you’re becoming. And I’ll stand beside you no matter what you choose, or who you choose.”

Jensen looked up quickly and saw his grandfather had wrapped his arm around his grandmother’s shoulders and she was leaning against him, looking up at him with an expression Jensen himself had seen on Jared’s face. He nodded once, giving them a small smile, and then they turned around and slipped quietly back into the house.

“Well, I think it’s about time we all get some sleep,” Gerry said once they broke away from Jared. Jensen nodded once, eyes catching Jared’s and the two of them stood frozen. Gerry glanced between them, clearing his throat once before he took Sherri’s arm. “I’ll see you boys for breakfast.”

“Yes, Sir,” they both replied in unison and Sherri glanced at them, a strange expression on her face. Jared looked down and waited until they were across the yard and out of sight before he approached Jensen again.

“Stay with me?” Jensen asked, swallowing hard, his stomach fluttering as he waited for Jared’s reply.

Jared hesitated for a moment, studying Jensen’s face before he nodded and smiled. “Always, Jensen.”


Master Post || Chapter Seven || Chapter Nine

September 24th, 1960
Austin, Texas

Jenna Marie Ackles was born late on a cloudy November morning, the 18th to be exact. And despite the somber situation that surrounded her birth, the tearful refusal from Rosemary to even touch the child, and the overall response from both the Sheppard and Ackles families… Jenna shone.

Alan was clear the moment Jensen walked into the house carrying the babe that Jensen made his bed and he was to lie in it. Alone. Neither Mackenzie nor Donna was given permission to help with the baby; after all, if Jensen had gone through with his marriage, he would not only have a wife at his side, but a mother for his child. In Alan’s words, Jensen was lucky he was even letting such a useless man still reside under his roof, and Jensen believed him.

He listened and accepted the hateful words Alan spat at him every single day every time he moved to warm up a bottle for his crying daughter or change her diaper or simply comfort her. He understood and agreed when Alan commented on how if he had been more like Josh, who had since gotten his own wife, child and worked full time at a pharmacy in Oklahoma, he wouldn’t be such a huge disappointment. Jensen felt useless, taking care of an infant had been so much easier it seemed when it had been Jensen and Donna working together to care for Mackenzie.

Although Jensen believed the words Alan spoke, he knew that he was the only one with the power to change things. He was determined that even if he failed himself? He would not fail his little girl.

And Jenna thrived.



“Will you shut that thing up?” Alan demanded as he slammed his way into the kitchen, causing Jensen to jump and Jenna’s finally quieted wailing to start up all over again. Jensen bit his lower lip, fighting back the retort that was on the tip of his tongue as he glared over his shoulder at his Father.

“She’s just hungry,” he said finally, turning back away to try to get the nipple of the bottle back into Jenna’s searching mouth.

“Well, wouldn’t it be nicer if you had a pair of tits, Jensen?” Alan snorted, moving around the kitchen table to leer at the pair. “Sometimes I think I have two daughters instead of two sons.” Jensen ignored him, grinding his teeth together and continued to rock Jenna slowly.

“Are you queer, Jensen?” Alan’s sudden question made Jensen look up to him in alarm. “You want to be a woman, Jensen? Maybe we should start getting you dresses and lipstick to wear. Should I be trying to find you a suitable husband?”

“Dad?” Mackenzie slipped into the kitchen, throwing Jensen a sad smile before turning to face Alan who looked less than impressed at being interrupted. “I need your help with something…”

“Can’t you see I’m trying to talk to your sister?” Alan jabbed his finger into Jensen’s back, hard, and Jensen felt his blood start to boil his anger almost uncontrollable. The old man was lucky Jenna’s small body occupied both of her father’s arms and was finally settling down and starting to eat again…

“Please? I don’t think I can manage… and Mamma wouldn’t know what to do…” Mackenzie’s pleading worked and with a sigh, Alan followed Mackenzie out of the kitchen, leaving an angrily shaking Jensen behind.



There wasn’t much that surprised Jensen anymore about the way his father treated him. He’d disappointed his father from the very start it seemed, sometimes just by his mere existence… though for the life of him, Jensen couldn’t remember exactly what he had ever done to earn this kind of treatment? But even knowing the cause wouldn’t change the fact that Alan hated him.

His father’s latest torments had started out small… a woman’s make-up powder palette appearing on his dresser, a pink apron hanging on the back of his chair in the kitchen, an increasing number of comments and derogatory suggestions about Jensen’s male gender—or lack thereof. Jensen shrugged off all of Mackenzie’s curious looks and buried the feminine items deep in the back of his closet, tried to look indifferent and uncaring as the his father’s vicious words washed over him. Jensen wouldn’t admit out loud how much it hurt.

Jensen took it, all of it, and promised Jenna in the middle of the night as he kissed her that he would never make her feel the way his father had made him feel, that she was beautiful and perfect and everything he never knew he’d wanted. Because she was.

Jenna managed to awaken something warm deep inside of him and became an extension of Jensen himself. Her large, almond-shaped eyes were much like his—save for the color. He lost himself in the enchanting swirls of blue, brown and green… When she smiled, she lit up whatever room she was in, her chubby cheeks flashing her darling, deep dimples, and Jensen hoped she’d never lose those. She had his nose, his chin, and regrettably, he thought, his ears. When he fell asleep with her curled up against his chest, he found himself indebted to the small fists knotted into the collar of his shirt, knowing how truly lucky someone like him was to have this.

So Jensen made it work for his little Jenna’s sake. He lovingly made sure that Jenna was kept quiet, had been grateful that even during the first few months she’d mostly slept. He had trained himself to be so attuned to her every breath that even her softest sounds were enough to wake him from even the deepest sleep before any screaming could set in, keeping his tiny daughter as well fed and as happy as she could be.

But there was a huge, gaping hole of longing that was slowly dragging Jensen down. He missed his family—but most of all his mother, Donna, who although in the past two years since he’d returned home, had gotten into a routine with her son and somehow found a common ground, was kept at an unreachable distance due to Alan’s interference. His father had managed to make the entire household such a miserable place to be that it was rare for any family member to be outside of their designated living area except for mealtimes and no one from outside ever came to visit. Those four walls were starting to make Jensen’s skin crawl, closing in and slowly suffocating him.

He’d tried taking his child for walks around town, but it seemed like everyone had formed their own opinions on the matter of Jensen being a single parent –by choice—and Jensen was certain that had a great deal to do with the fact that Crowley’s was the only bar worth going to in the town. Rudely people started discussing quite loudly whether he was a ‘brownie’ or not as he passed within earshot. At least Jenna was too young to understand the slurs. But when he finally came across a man who had grabbed his crotch and made an obscene gesture, Jensen had made the decision it was best to retreat to the safety and solitude of his and Jenna’s room.

It was on that fateful morning, however, that Jensen finally realized he couldn’t continue to live like this – not for his own happiness, but for his sweet little, innocent Jenna.

“What are you doing?” Jensen stopped short, eyes wide as he pushed open the bedroom door. He’d put Jenna down for a nap and had quickly gone to shower and shave, knowing she would still be asleep by the time he’d finished. There was always a chance she would be laying on the bed, cooing to herself while she waited for him to return, but what he hadn’t expected was to see Alan standing at the end of the bed with Jenna in his arms.

“She’s my granddaughter, ain’t she?” Alan threw him a challenging glare before looking down at Jenna who was shifting uncomfortably in her blanket. “She’s under my roof. I can look at her.” Jensen stayed silent and threw his damp towel onto the bed. He stepped closer, hands itching at his side to yank Jenna out of Alan’s arms. When she started to cry, Jensen felt his heart lodge in his throat, and Alan scowled.

“She’s probably hungry,” Jensen cleared his throat after a moment when Alan made no move to comfort the crying child or hand her back. His father stood unmoving until Jensen made the mistake of reaching for her. Alan reacted quickly, yanking Jenna up and away from Jensen’s outstretched hands. She let out a wail and Jensen watched in horror as his father shook the child, he could see Alan’s fingers dug roughly into her tiny ribs, hard and cruel and in no way meant to be against a child’s skin.

“Shut it up!” He yelled and Jenna bawled even louder.

“Give me my child!” Jensen slammed his left arm across Alan’s chest, blocking his arms from moving and tore Jenna loose with his free hand. He instantly curled her protectively against his chest and turned to face Alan, anger soaring through him. He hissed, “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“You should probably feed it,” Alan snorted and it was then that Jensen smelled the whisky rolling off of him – not that he was surprised in the least. Jensen shook his head at him, disgusted. Alan reached out suddenly, pinching Jensen’s chest hard, and he slapped his hand away as he moved back. “Don’t know how you’re gonna feed her with those.” Alan laughed to himself and then staggered out of the room, muttering curses under his breath.

Jensen moved to the door, slamming it shut and sliding down against it until he was sitting on the floor. Jenna was still sobbing quietly and he gently unwrapped her from the constricting blanket, inspecting every inch of her skin, trying to soothe her as he went. There were large, purplish bruises already forming on her stomach and chest and Jensen didn’t bother to hold back the tears as he held her against his chest and they wept together.

When they had both finally calmed down, Jensen knew that something had to change. Slowly, he pushed himself up off the floor and carried Jenna with him as he moved downstairs – she was sleeping again, curled into his chest, but Jensen didn’t think he would ever put her down in this house again.

As he entered the living room he looked towards the wide dining room doorway and into the kitchen beyond to make sure he had some privacy. He knew his mother and Mac had said something about going to the grocery store and he was pretty sure the old man was upstairs sleeping off the booze. Assured he and Jenna were alone, he lifted the heavy black receiver from the phone cradle. His fingers were fumbling as he dialed the number and he sighed softly as he pressed the phone against his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Grandma… it’s… it’s Jensen.” Jensen felt his voice shaking, just as his hands were, and for a moment he wanted to laugh at how nervous he was over simply calling his grandparents.

“Jensen? Oh, Albert! Jensen is on the phone!” He smiled when he heard her muffled shout and could picture her trying to cover her yell by pressing the phone against her chest. “Oh Jensen, how are you? We haven’t heard from you in—”

“Way too long, and I apologize for that,” Jensen felt his cheeks flush as he the shame rolled through his stomach.

“That’s alright, I know things have been busy for you… I’m glad you called, we were talking about you just the other day. How have you been?”

“I…” Jensen exhaled slowly, suddenly overwhelmed with the amount of emotions tearing at him right then. Hearing his Grandmother’s voice sent a shock through his body, his tongue suddenly thick and swollen against the roof of his mouth. He missed her, missed the farm. But… maybe his father was right… maybe he was weak, a failure, a disgrace... He shouldn’t subject his grandparents to putting up with him and his problems. He was sure as hell that they had enough of their own…

“Jensen?” Martha said softly and Jensen let his eyes fall closed and he leaned into the sweet sound of her voice, so soft and feminine, full of concern and love. “Jensen… You know you’re always welcome to come back.”

Jensen’s words caught in his throat at that and he wasn’t sure if he made a sound or not. It didn’t matter, Martha knew.

“We’ll prepare your room, okay? It’s been a few months since I’ve talked to Donna or your father… do you still have your little babe with you?”

“Yes, her-her name is Jenna,” Jensen swallowed hard and could almost hear the smile from his grandmother through the phone line.

“That’s a beautiful name, sweetheart. I can’t wait to meet her, Jensen.” She sounded so sincere and it broke Jensen’s heart—this was everything his little girl deserved, and he knew his grandmother wasn’t one for simplicity and he felt himself tearing up at thinking about what they would find when they got there.

“I can probably bring some of Jenna’s stuff with me on the train but…”

“Don’t you worry, honey! It’s my job to take care of my Grandchildren… both of you. You just call me and your Grandfather back with your train travel details and I’ll make sure we get out there to pick you and that precious child up.”

“Thank you, Gram…..” Jensen whispered and Martha was quick to cut him off.

“No, Jensen, you don’t need to thank me. Your Grandfather is getting on in years and it’s about time you learn the rest of the inner workings of this farm and have a nice place for that little girl of yours to grow up.”

Jensen just nodded his head.

He knew what this last move would mean… he’d pack what he could and leave the rest behind. This would be the very last time he would ever be in Texas. He licked his lower lip slowly before answering. “Yeah, I agree. I’ll be home soon.”

September 24th, 1960
Somerset, Vermont

Martha hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment before letting out a deep sigh. She turned slowly and returned to the kitchen where Sherri Padalecki was still hard at work preparing their dinner for that night.

“Who was that?” Sherri looked up from her spot by the sink where she was peeling potatoes.

“Jensen…” Sherri stopped and turned to face Martha, giving her a sad look.

“How is he doing?” She asked softly and Martha gave a rueful shake of her head. Both women knew how Jensen must be faring back in Texas. “Is he coming back?”

“Yeah, he is. I’ll have to clean that upstairs room out and see about turning that old sewing room into a nursery for little Jenna…” Martha reached for her paring knife and started at the potatoes.

“I can’t believe we’re going to have a little one around here again,” Sherri beamed, nudging Martha’s arm. Martha laughed back and nodded.

“I know… it’s been far too long since I’ve held a babe that small.” A companionable silence fell between them for a few moments and then Martha spoke quietly, “I just hope that drunken son of mine hasn’t beaten the light out of that boy… I hope he’ll let us help him.”

“He will Martha,” Sherri reassured the older woman, rinsing her hands quickly under the running water before turning Martha to face her. “That boy has a light shining inside of him that won’t be so easily extinguished. Just give him a few weeks back here with the boys, and Albert, Gerry and Jared will have him back to normal.”

“I hope so, Sherri,” Martha murmured, leaning into Sherri’s hug. “I really hope so.”

September 27th, 1960
Boston, Massachusetts

Jensen shifted Jenna up higher in his arms, talking to her softly as he made his way off of the train. He’d managed to pack a small duffel bag—mostly of Jenna’s clothing, bottles and diapers—and he could easily carry both of them as he shouldered his way through the crowd and out onto the waiting street.

He ignored the curious looks they got, people’s eyes searching behind him for his wife, the questioning looks about why he and not Jenna’s mother was carrying her, and just continued to focus ahead. He was determined not to let his nerves get the best of him. He was going home; there was nothing to worry about, nothing at all anymore.

He smiled when he recognized the old, worn pickup truck and found himself picking up his pace, eager to see his Grandfather’s face. He smiled when he saw the door open and then, when the tall man stepped out, Jensen froze.

He looked good… his skin a golden brown from summer sun’s onslaught, his hair longer, almost falling into his eyes. He was taller, too, though... though maybe not quite as tall as Jensen. But it was his eyes, the eyes that Jensen was reminded of every time he looked at Jenna and the eyes he saw in his dreams, were better than he remembered. He looked up slowly, a small smile on his lips as Jared’s eyes met Jensen’s.

“Hey,” he said softly, his voice had lost all of its boyish soft tone and Jensen shivered. He hadn’t seen Jared in over two years, and where time had been tricky for Jensen? It had been good to Jared. The sixteen-year-old had filled out, was starting to lose his long-limbed, gangly look and Jensen found himself staring at him, unable to move. It was Jenna squirming in his arms that brought their attention back to the moment and Jensen was able to shake his head and focus.

“Hey,” he replied, finally, clearing his throat as he took a step forward. “Thanks for coming to get us.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Jared smiled back, his eyes trained on Jenna. “You, uh... You had a kid.”

“This is Jenna,” Jensen nodded back, rocking Jenna a bit in his arms. Jared leaned down and lifted her tiny hand with one finger.

“Hello, Jenna, nice to meet you.” Jenna cooed and smiled and Jensen released a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. There was an awkward pause before both men jumped into action—Jared grabbing Jensen’s bag and making a show of setting it in the back and Jensen adjusting Jenna’s blanket before getting both of them settled in the passenger seat of the truck. When they started driving, Jensen was more than grateful for the distraction the radio provided.

They drove in silence, Jenna and Jensen drifting in and out of sleep. As they passed the large, wooden sign that welcomed them to Vermont, Jared started nervously tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, drawing Jensen’s attention to him.

“Everything okay?” he asked after a moment and Jared froze, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Yeah, of course...” Jared offered quickly, eyes darting over to Jensen, down to Jenna and then back to the road. “Just... You had a baby.” Jared laughed nervously. “I guess I know why you ran now...”

Jensen felt guilt instantly twist in his stomach and he closed his eyes for a moment, rolling his response over in his mind before he spoke.

“That... that isn’t why I ran, Jared,” he sighed, biting on his lower lip. “And yes, I did have Jenna, and she’s... God, Jared she’s everything to me. But...”

“Who was she?” Jared asked softly.

“Rosemary...”Jensen mumbled, “Her name was Rosemary.” Jared snorted then and Jensen shot him a look, surprised Jared had remembered and recognized her name. “I broke her heart.”

“Oh...” Jared trailed off and Jensen couldn’t stop himself from staring at him, focusing on his profile, the determination in his gaze as Jared forced himself to stay looking forward at the road. Jensen half wanted to beg Jared to elaborate... what the hell did ‘oh’ mean? That Jared could relate and felt bad for Rosemary, that Jensen was a heartbreaker and had broken his heart too? Or, oh, good, you’re not tied down to the woman you left back home and that means that maybe... Jensen’s heart skipped a beat as the thought flitted across his mind and he tore his eyes away.

“Yeah,” he responded and turned towards the passenger window. “It’s just me and Jenna now.” The words hung between them, but for once ever since they’d been driving, the silence wasn’t filled with tension and awkwardness. It was more comfortable. And for Jensen? That was all he could ask for.

October 3rd, 1960
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen had fallen back into the swing of things far easier than he would’ve imagined. He was welcomed with open arms, and thankfully, so was Jenna. It was strange watching the people on the farm crowd around his daughter, wanting to hold her, taking turns feeding her—even Gerry and his Grandfather wanted all of the tiny girl’s attention. It was such a contrast to what Jensen’s past eleven months with his baby girl had been like that he was more than thrown for a loop. He felt nervous, anxious to see when the next shoe would drop.

They’d gotten into a routine and it seemed as if Jenna was excited to be up and about so early. Jensen would wake up early and give Jenna her breakfast, wrapping her up tight in her pink blanket, before carrying her out to the barn with him. Since Jared was still afraid of the cows, Jensen was more than happy to take over the milking. He would talk to the cows and to Jenna while he worked, singing songs to them and laughing whenever Jenna let out a giggle.

It was their quiet time and Jensen loved their mornings together. This morning, however, Jenna didn’t want any part of it.

She woke up cranky, squirming and whining throughout the half of the cereal and bottle Jensen managed to get down her throat. She fought the blanket and when he fought back with it, she started screaming. He sighed and lifted her up, throwing the blanket over her shoulders instead. The barn wasn’t much better... she screamed and cried and Jensen spent so much time focusing on his daughter, that the cows were starting to get uncomfortable and impatient.

“Jensen?” Jensen froze where he was bent over Jenna trying to soothe her and looked up to see Sherri stepping into the barn, a small smile on his face.

“Oh, good morning,” Jensen gave her a smile back and lifted Jenna up against his chest. “We didn’t wake you, did we?”

“Oh, no,” Sherri reassured him and moved closer. She leaned over Jenna and ran a hand down her cheek, the child wailing in protest. Jensen winced and apologized quickly.

“I’m sorry... we’re just... having a really bad day today. I can’t get her to calm down, no matter what I try to do.”

Sherri smiled knowingly, and held out her arms. “Can I?”

Jensen hesitated for a moment. Even after the past week he’d spent on the farm, he still wasn’t sure if he would ever get used to someone wanting to hold his baby girl, someone wanting to love her and get to know her. He nodded once and relinquished his hold on her, watching as Sherri’s arms immediately came around the child and she hushed and rocked Jenna quickly. “Just started this morning?”

“Yeah,” Jensen gave a small smile, his heart aching as he listened to Jenna wail louder. Her little cheeks were bright pink and wet with her tears. Helpless, he felt completely helpless.

“Has she pooped?” Sherri glanced up at Jensen who nodded. That information had her looking back down at Jenna. She ran her hand over the baby’s cheek gently and then chuckled to herself.

“What are you-?” Jensen stopped mid-sentence and watched in confusion as Sherri gently pushed her index finger between Jenna’s lips. The child’s eyes widened and she stopped screaming as she tried to figure out what was going on. Sherri rubbed her fingertip along Jenna’s gums and after a few, short, and slightly pitiful cries, Jenna was silent.

“She’s teething, poor little thing. Doesn’t feel so good, does it, baby girl?” Sherri smiled as she bounced Jenna lightly, humming to her as she continued rubbing her gums. “We will have to see if Grammy can get you something cool to chew on, what do you think?”

“Teething?” Jensen repeated and gave a short laugh. “Teething. Seriously...” He felt his cheeks flame up. He could remember when Mackenzie started teething and wanted to kick himself for not recognizing his own daughter was in that same pain. What a great father he was shaping up to be...

“Hey, hey, I can hear you thinking from over here!” Sherri ducked her head, getting into Jensen’s line of sight. “That’s what you have family for, to help you pick up on the little things.” She smiled and Jensen glanced up to meet her eyes. “For anything, Jensen… I mean that. We’re here to help you in whatever you need, especially if it involves this little beauty.”

“Thank you, Mrs. P,” Jensen whispered, finding it suddenly hard to speak. Sherri pulled her finger from Jenna’s mouth and the child stayed quiet, curling into her chest.

“No need for that, Jensen,” Sherri shook her head and with one quick move, grabbed him and pulled him in for a one-armed hug. “You’re family and this is what we do.” She gave him another quick squeeze before turning around to leave the barn, talking to Jenna as she went. “Let’s let Daddy get some work done, okay? You can come inside and help Aunt Sherri and Grandma make some applesauce... how’s that sound?”

Jensen looked after them and pushed back the small sliver of fear he felt as he watched Sherri walk away with his Jenna. She would be okay, they both would be, and for the first time that morning, Jensen smiled.

November 24th, 1960
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen made his way to the barn, whistling as he walked. The ground beneath his boots was still frozen, the morning sun not having made its way up high enough to thaw it out. The air was crisp and cold against the back of his throat and Jensen was glad that Sherri and his Grandmother had all but refused to let Jenna out of their sight today. They had decided to celebrate Jenna’s first birthday today along with Thanksgiving, and his one year old daughter was more than delighted to sit in the kitchen while Martha and Sherri bustled back and forth and shoved small bites of frosting and pie filling into her mouth claiming Jensen was too strict on the amount of sweets he gave her and rectifying that was ‘their job’.

Jensen felt good, truly happy, and he couldn’t remember feeling this way since... the last time he’d been on the farm. He milked the cows quickly but took his time filling and labeling the containers before putting them into storage. The sooner he went inside, the sooner his grandmother would be putting him to work either peeling or cleaning something. He smiled at the thought.

The farm life still shocked him with how unlike any home setting Jensen had ever been a part of. They all worked as a team, no matter what the task was, and as much as he didn’t mind helping out his grandmother, he also didn’t mind stalling for a bit. Jensen made his way to the loft, his stomach fluttering when he realized he hadn’t been up there since the night Jared kissed him.

Jensen sighed to himself and made his way up the ladder, freezing at the top when Jared’s wide, hazel eyes met his.

“Jared?” Jared swallowed hard and gave a nervous laugh. “I didn’t even know you were up here...”

“I... come up here sometimes...” Jared shrugged, immediately looking down at his feet. Jensen moved beside him and sat down, throwing his legs over the edge of the loft. He could see down to the milking station and suddenly realization dawned. When he looked over at Jared he could see the tops of his ears and the back of his neck were bright red, the rest of his face hidden between his knees.

Jensen exhaled slowly and leaned back on his hands, gazing at Jared from his side vision. He cleared his throat once before speaking. “I… I just wanted to say that… I’m sorry for that summer and running away, you know?”

Jared looked up at that, eyeing Jensen carefully. “Okay,” he said slowly, waiting for Jensen to continue.

“Well… I just…” Jensen shrugged, not knowing what he was trying to say. Jared had grown up and Jensen would be fooling himself if he said he wasn’t attracted to Jared. Because he was… the past week, he couldn’t stop himself from staring at the younger man. He was grateful that Jared and his relationship hadn’t been as awkward as he’d feared, but it was still changed. “I’m just glad things are okay between us. I missed having you around.”

Jared nodded once and turned his head away, staring back down at the bottom of the barn. Jensen was confused, wondering where the sudden coolness came from. Then, Jared shook his head.

“Jensen… I like you… still,” Jared’s tone was steady, but the position of his shoulders told Jensen he was anything but calm. “Even after you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And…” Jared sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“Jared… You know that it’s wrong…”

“No, Jensen.” Jared snapped, turning his full attention around, his eyes wild as they met Jensen’s own. “How is it wrong? How is caring and loving someone ever wrong? It doesn’t make any sense.” Jared gave a short laugh. “We’re taught as children to respect and care and love the people around us. That’s all Sunday school preaches about. So please, tell me, how the way I feel about you is wrong?”

“You know what I mean Jared, you know what people say. Being… being a fag isn’t good. It’s a sin…” Jensen fought to explain.

“A sin? You mean like having a child out of wedlock?”

Jensen’s eyes snapped up and he knew when Jared looked ashamed that the hurt he felt at the words was displayed perfectly on his face.

“Jensen,” Jared sighed and shifted his position. “I’m just saying that a lot of people have different opinions on things that are good and righteous, wrong and evil… and I highly doubt that just loving another person grants you a spot in hell.”

“If people knew… if they saw….” Jensen whispered, his heart starting to thunder harder in his chest.

“It has nothing to do with anyone other than you and me, Jensen. Why does anyone else have to know?” Jensen’s eyes snapped up and he met Jared’s, could feel the sweat breaking out across his brow. “If I kissed you right now, like I did that night… why would anyone other than you and me have to know?”

Jensen swallowed hard, his eyes flicking down to Jared’s lips and then back up again. He didn’t have an answer, he couldn’t think past the blood pounding in his ears or the shaking of his hands. He waited, frozen, for Jared to make a move.

“I’m going to kiss you, Jensen. Because I really, really want to,” Jared’s voice was low, causing Jensen’s stomach to flip. “If you don’t want it… you have to say so. You have to tell me right now—”

Jensen surged forward, pressing their lips together and swallowing the surprised noise that escaped Jared’s mouth. Jared hesitated for a moment, waiting to see if Jensen would pull back, if he was going to run again, but when Jensen leaned in further, Jared moved. He wrapped his left arm around Jensen’s neck, pulling him closer while his other hand found Jensen’s hip.

Jensen’s entire body was singing and he pushed back the overwhelming feeling of panic and focused on the warm, wet heat of Jared’s mouth and the comfort of his touch. He relaxed into the kiss, melting into Jared.

They stayed like that, kissing lazily in the loft of the barn until they were being called in for dinner.

Master Post || Chapter Five || Chapter Seven

May 18th, 1958
Boston, Massachussetts

Jensen couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as he approached the beat up old ford and saw his Grandfather leaning up against it. He looked old, worn down, but the smile he gave Jensen when their eyes met was nothing short of brilliant.

“Look at you!” Albert called out when Jensen was close enough. Albert pushed away from the vehicle to meet Jensen in a warm hug. “Boy, how tall are you going to get?”

“Taller than you,” Jensen replied with a shy grin before pulling back and squeezing his grandfather’s arm as he did so. “It’s so good to see you, Grandpa.”

“Likewise. Your grandmother’s been scurrying around all week getting things ready for you! Had to remind her you were family and after a day with the pigs you’d be caked in too much dirt to notice if the linens had been pressed or simply washed, hung and folded.”

“I bet she didn’t like that,” Jensen chuckled and watched as his grandfather reached behind him to take hold of a cane that had been leaning against the passenger door. Jensen smiled sadly as he watched the painful expression cross over his grandfather’s face when he shifted his weight to move further from the door.

“Don’t you start that,” Albert warned, swatting Jensen’s leg with the cane.

“Start what? I didn’t-“

“I saw that look… you have eyes just like your grandmother, can’t hide a damn thing.” Jensen looked up quickly, afraid he’d already managed to anger his grandfather, but relaxed when he saw the old man smile. “Now come on, none of that worrying. I’m fine, I’m gonna continue being fine. Now get in the truck.” For a moment the old farmer wondered if he should ask about the boy’s swollen lip and bruised cheek but then decided that it was a subject for later. Now he just wanted to enjoy his wonderful grandson’s welcome company.

“Yes, sir,” Jensen laughed happily and tossed his bag over into the bed of the truck before slipping into the cab. He leaned back against the seat, inhaling the familiar smells of tobacco and the farm from the seats, and didn’t bother stopping the laugh that broke free. He was going home.

May 22nd, 1958
Somerset, Vermont

“How’s Grandpa doing? Really?” Jensen slid into the kitchen, plucking a large apple from the big wooden bowl on the counter as he went by, and hopped up onto one of the kitchen stools. Martha looked over her shoulder and eyed her grandson carefully before plopping a cutting board in front of him.

“You’re gonna come in my kitchen chatting, you’re gonna be working,” she smiled at him and handed over a knife and the already peeled apples she’d been preparing over the sink. Jensen shrugged, and started coring and thin slicing the apples, waiting for her reply. “He’s… well, you know your grandfather, Jensen. He’s a stubborn old mule!”

Jensen smiled and nodded his head. They heard the front door open and both of them paused, waiting to see if someone else would join them in the kitchen. When the door opened and shut again, Martha continued.

“Doctors said it was a stroke… but your grandfather doesn’t feel inclined to believe it. Says he’s lived off the farm his entire life, healthy as a horse! Plus, he doesn’t have any of the defects that some of the other people who’ve suffered strokes have. Just kind of a weakness in his one leg…” She sighed, handing Jensen the newest apple she’d peeled before grabbing another. “Doesn’t want to listen to me when I tell him he’s not as young as he used to be. Apparently that man thinks he’s going to live forever. No wonder his son has the same belief…”

Jensen paused for a moment and gave his grandmother a strange look. He would’ve never thought to compare his father and his grandfather… sometimes he couldn’t even believe they were from the same family…

“Oh yes, our son may be a bit harder and more rough around the edges, but that stubbornness he got straight from his Daddy.” Martha chuckled as if she’d read Jensen’s mind. Jensen shrugged in response and focused back on his apples. “You know… I think your Grandfather might be suggesting to your Daddy about you coming to live up here full time and help out… what would you think about that?”

“Me?” Jensen looked up again, surprised. “But… The Padaleckis live here now…”

“You’re right, of course, Jensen,” Martha nodded, dropping the last apple onto the board and turning around for a towel to wipe her hands. “But your Grandfather’s looking to strike a deal and get another 25 head of Guernseys in here… Wants to expand the dairy side of things, maybe make it so we’re a complete dairy farm. Course, we’d always have the farm stand for the locals and such…”

“Oh, Jared will love that…” Jensen muttered, a small smile playing at his lips.

“You think so?” Martha cocked her head. “I didn’t think that boy was too fond of them… can’t get him to fetch me a pail of fresh milk even if I beg him.”

Jensen snorted and shook his head.

“Speaking of the Padaleckis… when will they be back?” Jensen finished slicing the last of the apples, sweeping the mound of slices into the bowl. Martha nodded her thanks and took it back to the sink, reaching into the cupboard for cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger. She seasoned the apples, added a bit of sugar, and then poured them into the waiting pie shell.

“I think Sherri said they would be back tomorrow evening… I bet you Gerry will be out of sorts that they didn’t wait for you too. We didn’t know if you’d be coming… this early.” Martha hesitated for a second and Jensen knew what they were both thinking. We didn’t know if Alan would let you come at all.

“Yeah, well… I’m eighteen now, plenty old enough to decide what and where I want to be for my summer.” Martha hummed a response and Jensen didn’t feel like pushing the subject. The fight he’d had with his father before he left had been more than enough…

Martha smiled sadly as she suddenly understood that swollen lip and the bruises the boy had when he’d arrived a few days before. Her son had apparently not inherited his father’s gentle ways.





“Jensen!” the voice was strident and loud, the tone demanding an instant response.

Mackenzie froze, eyes darting up from the table where they had cards spread out before them to fearfully meet her older brother’s.

“What did you do now?” She hissed and Jensen rolled his eyes, tossing his cards down. It wouldn’t be likely he’d be back any time soon to finish them…

“Yes, Sir?” Jensen made his way into the living room. Alan was waiting with his arm over the back of the arm chair, slowly twisting a glass of whiskey in his hand.

“Sit.” Alan ordered, his eyes were cold as they focused on Jensen. Donna was already sitting on the couch, her legs tucked in beneath her and her hands clenched tightly on her lap. Jensen hesitated for a moment before reminding himself to ‘pick his battles’ and he sat down beside his mother. “Donna… why don’t you tell Jensen what you told me?”

For a brief moment Jensen’s eyes darted questioningly to his obviously distressed mother.

Donna inhaled sharply, refusing to look at her son. “Th-that Jensen had given his notice at Crowley’s.”

Jensen sighed, rolling his eyes away from his mother to look at Alan.

“Is this true?” his father demanded.

“Yes,” Jensen answered simply, watching as his father’s fingers turned white around the glass, the ice inside rattling.

“I am assuming you have a perfectly good reason for this?” Alan almost whispered and even though it came out soft, beside him Donna flinched. Jensen gave her a quick look, for a second feeling bad for her.

“Of course I do, I’m not an idiot.” Jensen returned his attention back to his father and fought hard not to laugh at the expression on his face. If he were any redder… Jensen was sure he would’ve exploded like a cherry bomb.

“I didn’t call you in here to play games, boy.”

“No, you called me in here to… what exactly? I made the decision to stop working at Crowley’s –for the summer, by the way—because I have other plans. I talked with the owners and they agreed that it was easy for them to hire summer help from the high school kids and I could come back in the fall and work.”

“And what the hell do you expect to be doing during the summer?” Alan spat, pushing off of the armchair and slamming his glass down on the table beside it. Donna jumped, her leg bumping into Jensen’s as she did so. Alan moved quickly, reaching down to pull Jensen up from the couch, his hands twisted in the front of his son’s shirt. “You sure as hell aren’t going to be sitting around here doing nothing!”

“No, I’m not going to be sitting around here period. I already bought my ticket to Vermont.” Jensen reached up, gripping his father’s wrists and trying to pull them away, his body starting to shake from the anger welling up inside of his chest. Now that he had achieved his father’s height it was so much easier to look the man in the eye and present a challenge to his bullying ways and physical intimidation.

“What is it with you and that damned farm?” Alan yelled and Jensen felt himself laugh, the shocked look on Alan’s face as the man took a step back making him laugh harder.

“What is it with me and that farm?! What is it with you and being so against it?” Jensen’s long-simmering anger, at his father’s constant disregard and utter disrespect for all his grandparents’ hard work and way of life, finally made its way to the surface. He set his feet and clenched his fists. He snarled back, “Too afraid of some real goddamn work, Sir? Actually getting up in the wee hours of the morning, working so hard your back and your legs and your neck ache to the point where you don’t think you could move another muscle? Actually working for something, building towards something, being a part of a family and a community instead of sitting around on your ass getting drunk and beating your—“

The first punch rocked Jensen back on his heels, nearly landing him backwards onto the couch. His right hand flew forward to grip Alan’s forearm, trying to steady himself. The moment he had raised his voice to the old man, he’d halfway expected it anyways. The second punch however, he hadn’t been expecting… He felt something warm run down his chin and then the metallic taste of blood was on his tongue.

“Alan!” Donna screamed and Jensen felt himself falling, Alan was instantly on him, straddling his hips and pinning him to the floor.

Suddenly Jensen could hear a chair scraping the floor in the kitchen as Alan raised his fist again. Mackenzie shouldn’t see this… couldn’t see this. Jensen reacted quickly, his own fist catching Alan’s jaw, the sound of his teeth slamming together making Jensen cringe.

Mackenzie gasped and suddenly Donna was there, pulling Alan off, delicate fingers pressing against his face, whispering concern. Jensen hated her at that moment. Too many memories of his mother never standing up for her children against the old man’s unrelenting, anger and constant drunken bullying flashed through the seventeen-year-old’s mind.

Alan roughly shoved her away, angrily jabbing a finger at Jensen, whose head was now cradled in Mackenzie’s lap. “Get out of my house,” Alan’s voice shook, his pupils blown as he stared down at his son. “Get the fuck out of my house, now!”

Jensen scrambled up off the floor and stormed from the room, moving angrily up the stairs to pack the quickest bag he could. He snatched his wallet off the nightstand, hastily gathering the jar of savings from the tips he’d gotten at the bar, his shaving kit and a few sets of clothes to shove them haphazardly into his duffel before heading back down the stairs. As his foot left the last step he was stunned by the dead silence. Mackenzie and his parents were gone from the living room, nowhere to be seen. Jensen hesitated for only a moment, wondering if he should at least find Mac to tell her goodbye, before he silently stomped out the door.

She would understand.



“So, uh…” Jensen cleared his throat, pulling his hand away from his face where his fingers were absentmindedly stroking across the yellowing bruise on his cheek. “I probably should head over and meet Mrs. Padalecki face to face, huh?”

“I’ll teach you boys some manners yet,” Martha laughed and gave Jensen a gentle smile. “Off you go then… and if you see your Grandfather tell him I’ve got his lunch ready.”

May 23rd, 1958
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen blinked once against the glare of the setting sun, confused when he saw a tall, lanky boy walking towards him. Over the boy’s shoulder he recognized Gerry, a little thicker around the middle now maybe and with a head full of greying hair instead of brown. Beside the man stood Jeffrey who had gotten even taller than the last time Jensen had seen him and more grown up. But the boy…

Jensen snapped his eyes back to the boy and gasped when he met large, hazel eyes that he most definitely recognized. “Jared?”

“Jensen!” The boy’s face split into a wide smile and he jogged the rest of the way down the driveway, dropping his bag onto the porch to give Jensen a hug. The boy—Jared­—was almost as tall as Jensen was!

“You’re… you’re… big!” Jensen stumbled through what he was trying to say and when Jared laughed he realized how stupid he’d sounded. “I mean, like… you’re tall and…”

“Not eight years old anymore?” Jared stepped back and gave Jensen a once over. “It’s been six years, Jensen! Did you think I would stay that old forever? What the hell happened to your eye?”

“Just… nothing,” Jensen shook his head quickly and watched as Jared bent down to pick up the bag he’d dropped, his t-shirt pulling tight against the defined muscles of his shoulders. Jensen shifted, rubbing his own arm self-consciously.

Jared gave him a look as he stood, smirking when he shook his head, and then he was gone, leaving Jensen with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He bit his lower lip, turning to follow after Jared who was retreating down the path to the Padalecki house, but Gerry stepped forward to take Jared’s place and Jensen was immediately wrapped into another warm, wonderful hug.

“It’s gonna’ be good to have you here this summer, son.” Gerry clapped him on the back and Jensen smiled, all other thoughts he had slipping easily away.

“Don’t know how you’ve managed without me, really.” Jensen teased and Gerry shoved him playfully before turning around to Jeff.

“Bring that stuff to the house and then get back here, Jeff. I’m sure Martha and your mother have been fretting over making a big supper all day long.”

“And pie…” Jensen added, giving Jeff a smile in greeting.

“You had me at food,” Jeff shrugged his bag higher onto his shoulder and ran off, leaving Gerry to laugh and happily nudge a smiling Jensen back up the porch steps and into the big, old farmhouse.

June 29th, 1958
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen was so screwed.

He exhaled slowly, climbing the rest of the way up into the barn loft, his stomach twisting into knots as he went. He didn’t have to look or hell, even listen, to know that Jared was up there. He could see Jared’s long legs swinging over the side of the loft, free floating in the air. He could hear the teen humming and singing along to whatever song happened to be stuck in his head at that time, laughing to himself every few moments when he either forgot the words or they came out wrong. Jensen could’ve been both deaf and blind and he still would have known Jared was there.

Because Jensen was hyperaware of everything about Jared.

He thought about how it had taken him almost three days once Jared, his brother and father had returned from their hiking trip in May for Jensen to recognize the feelings he’d experienced on the porch and during supper that night as he saw Jared for the first time in nearly six years.

Jared had been so excited, talking animatedly with his hands throughout their meal, about how they’d followed the creek on the property to Deerfield River, followed it almost ten miles out to the reservoir where they’d been able to watch the bear and deer that congregated there. He had talked about how Gerry had shown him and Jeff every constellation he could remember, laughing when he’d brutalized the names and Jeff had to correct him. Jared talked, and laughed, and it took everything Jensen had to concentrate on the actual words coming out of Jared’s mouth instead of the way his lips moved when he said them.


At first during the early weeks when the June sun was brutal and the creek water felt so cool against his sunburnt skin, Jensen had started taking a late afternoon swim. But then after a few days Jared and Jeff had begun to join him, and Jensen found his eyes drifting across the water to watch the water slicking down Jared’s muscular back and… Christ, the kid was fourteen years old and didn’t need some faggot leering at him.

Jensen began to avoid time alone with the younger boy despite the magnetic pull he felt for him.

Since he had finally put a label on his lustful glances, Jensen started using every excuse he could muster up to get out of going to the creek and had taken to lounging in the loft instead when he needed to cool down. The heat was still stifling, the smell of horses and hay almost suffocating, but Jensen didn’t have to worry, because at least in the loft he was alone.

Until ten days ago when Jared had finally discovered his hiding spot and was seemingly determined not to let Jensen spend his relaxing moments in peace. Because Jared would follow him… or would meet him there… or would get there first. Jared would hum and whistle and talk, and when the heat became too much and Jensen suggested he go and find Jeff or take a dip, Jared would just shrug and make things even worse by pulling his shirt off, balling it up behind his head so he could lay spread out against the wood.

And Jensen’s mind went wild. He tried not to look. He busied himself talking about farm work, about Mackenzie, about how big a harvest they would get this year. Jensen would talk and then Jared would reply and it was rude not to acknowledge his added comments.

Somehow, Jensen’s eyes always trailed back to Jared’s large, hazel ones. They always shone, even in the dim light of the barn, and Jensen swore if he looked too long that Jared would be able to see straight through him.

So it wasn’t a surprise that Jared was already here and waiting for him. Jensen honestly should have expected it. But images from the dream he’d had the night before suddenly were at the forefront of his mind and he shivered as his stomach rolled.

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice oozed concern as he realized the older boy had been on the steps for a while just staring into space. When Jensen focused his eyes he saw Jared pushing up off the loft floor, easing closer to him.

“I’m… I’m fine,” he forced himself to smile and moved quickly to take his regular spot, careful not to brush against Jared in even the slightest bit as the other boy resumed his previous position. The fact that Jared was concerned for him when Jensen’s mind played all sorts of dirty, wrong scenarios out about him… well, it just worried Jensen that much more.

Jared resumed his humming, his foot knocking into the edge of the wood and sending little vibrations through it and to Jensen’s body. He felt warmer, Jared’s presence now even more suffocating than the stench of hay and manure. He could leave… could claim he had a stomach ache and push himself back into the house. He could lock himself into his room and no one would question it – Jensen was rarely ever sick, but sometimes the heat got to all of them. But that would require leaving, it would require leaving Jared’s warmth, the sound of his voice…. And Jensen wouldn’t leave that if someone paid him.

It’s was why he continued coming back, even knowing he was wrong, knowing he was going to hell for the way he felt and for the images of wrapping himself around Jared that come to him in his dreams at night.

Jensen was screwed already, so one more day sitting up in the loft with Jared beside him wasn’t going to hurt anything at all.

July 19th, 1958
Somerset, Vermont

“What do you think about the military?”

Jensen turned his head and looked at Jared, shaking his head slowly to clear his mind.

“Um… what do you mean? What about it?” he asked when Jared didn’t continue.

“I mean… about joining it. You know, fighting for our country, traveling…”

“Jared… going to war isn’t traveling.” Jensen sighed and looked away. “I’ve… never really thought about it.”

“Jeff is thinking about it,” Jared’s voice was soft and Jensen turned to look back at him. Jared had his lower lip caught between his teeth, chewing on it thoughtfully as he stared up at the rafters. Jensen felt his heart thump in his chest at the expression on Jared’s face. “Dad and him… they were talking about it last night after they thought everyone else went to bed…”

“Oh,” Jensen replied. “What did your dad say?”

“That he would be proud of him no matter what he wanted to do.” Jared shrugged and Jensen nodded. Silence fell between them and Jensen found himself watching Jared’s face. “Jeff said he was surprised that you and Josh hadn’t,” Jared suddenly continued, turning his head to meet Jensen’s eyes. “Because of your Dad having been a soldier and all... you know.”

“I don’t want to be anything like my father.” Jensen replied, shaking his head quickly. “I just… I can sort of remember him… from before the war, you know? I don’t remember always hating him…” Jensen trailed off, tearing his eyes away from Jared at his confession. Hating his parents… another thing he was going to hell for. Jensen almost laughed. “Josh decided on school instead, a path to support his family. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet… but… not war… not that.”

“Do you think Jeff will come back changed if he does sign up? If he goes?” Jared whispered and Jensen found himself snapping his attention back up to the younger boy instead of staring down at the tips of his boots.

“Jared, I think that your family is pretty much a snapshot of good ol’ American, apple pie life. And… I mean, I don’t know about what would or wouldn’t change. But I know that your family? Out of any family? Would be the one that could get through anything. No matter what happened, Jeff would know that.”

Jared nodded slowly before looking back up at the rafters. “At least our troops are home from Korea finally,” Jared whispered after a moment and Jensen nodded in agreement.

August 18th, 1958
Somerset, Vermont

“Have you ever thought about what it would be like to kiss someone?”

Jared was in the barn in his regular position beside him, legs dangling over the hayloft ledge and swinging, free in the air. Jensen glanced over at him, his heart twisting as he took in the sight. As per usual, Jared was lying on his back on the wooden floor, had his arms crossed behind his head, a few pieces of golden hay stuck in his hair. He was staring up at the roof, large, hazel eyes dancing in the lantern light, his shirt pulled tight across his chest.

Jensen swallowed hard and tore his gaze away, his heart pounding in his chest as he registered the question. “I’ve kissed someone once… a girl named Rosemary.”

“Oh…” Jared fell silent and Jensen resisted the urge to look at him again. “Have you ever thought of what it would be like to kiss a boy?” Jared’s voice was soft, barely a whisper, but Jensen felt as if Jared had dug deep inside his mind to pull out his worst sinful thought to scream it to the world.

“No. Why would you ask that? Of course not.” Jensen’s voice was short and clipped -a tone he’d taken straight from his father’s personal handbook. Jensen wanted to scream, wanted to run… He was glad, at least, that it was dark and most of their families had already gone to bed. Now, however, he regretted the decision to start joining Jared in the loft after supper instead of only earlier in the day. “Don’t ask such foolish questions, Jared! It’s not right. You don’t want anyone thinking you’re some… some queer.”

“Right…” Jared whispered back and when Jensen looked at him, Jared’s eyes were swimming with unshed tears. Jensen’s heart started pounding faster, his supper suddenly churning uncomfortably in his gut.

“Plus…” He spoke again, making sure his tone was softer this time, hoping his voice was steady. “Why would you want to kiss a boy anyways? Too many pretty girls out there…”

“Would you hate me, Jensen?” Jared sat up suddenly, causing Jensen to jump. He looked up and cringed when he saw the expression on Jared’s face, a mix of fear and sadness, shame and… “Would you hate me if I did want to kiss a boy?”

Jensen took a deep breath and held it, counting back slowly from ten before he answered. “No, Jared. I wouldn’t… I could never hate you. But a lot of other people would. You can’t… They don’t…” he swallowed hard and shook his head. Then he whispered, “No. No, I wouldn’t think of you any differently at all.”

Jared nodded and ran his fingers back through his hair, catching an errant piece of the hay and pulling it out. He held it between his fingernails, splitting the strand. When he let it fall and placed his hand back down on the floor, it was closer to Jensen’s arm than it had been before. Jensen felt himself shiver. “Would you… think of me differently… if it was you I wanted to kiss?”

Jensen stopped breathing.

Jared had tucked his plump bottom lip into his mouth and just like that first night, suddenly that was all Jensen could think of… Jared’s perfect pink lips, the wet heat of his mouth. He wondered what Jared would taste like if he pressed his tongue against those lips. His throat felt dry, suddenly thick and choking and there was nothing Jensen could say, nothing he could do, to make the sudden, unbearable ache in his chest go away.

This was wrong, what they were talking about, what Jared was suggesting was… wrong. The fact that it coincided with every single one of Jensen’s fantasies and dreams…

A look of hurt crossed Jared’s features, making him look far older than his fourteen years and Jensen wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him he understood, he really, truly did. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t admit it out loud because that would make it real. And it wasn’t, it couldn’t be. Fear sliced through his body and Jensen pushed away from Jared suddenly and he nearly tumbled out of the loft and to the ground far below in his haste to get away.

“I… I… c-c-can’t…” he heard himself stutter, felt himself shaking his head, and the moment Jared opened his mouth again, Jensen ran.

The light rain that had started when they’d entered the barn had now turned into a full-blown storm; huge, fat drops of rain pelted his back and face, instantly soaking him to the skin. Jensen ran blindly through the yard and past the house. He couldn’t go inside, not like this, not to the concerned and questioning looks his grandparents would give him. They would know, they would know just like Jared apparently did, that he wasn’t right.

He threw open the front gate to the farm road and ran for the woods. He could hear Jared calling from behind him and almost slipped in the mud. He pushed on faster, racing through the path in the trees and up the slope. The woods finally opened onto the clearing and Jensen made a beeline for the solitary oak. He threw himself against the massive trunk, hands clinging desperately to the rough bark, his arms supporting all the weight his quaking knees could not.

“Jensen!” Jared ran up the grassy hill after him and Jensen wanted to scream at him.

Don’t do this! Don’t, Jared, just stop! Don’t push this, it’s wrong, what you’re suggesting is wrong. I can’t, we can’t… please… please go home…

“Jared,” Jensen croaked out weakly, his chest heaving…rising and falling just as fast as his heart was beating in his chest. This was wrong, this was so wrong. Jared needed to leave… needed to go back home and they could just forget about this and tomorrow would be different; it would be back to normal. Nothing had to change.

Jensen could hear Jared breathing hard behind him suddenly and now felt a large, warm hand on his shoulder. He was instantly hit with the memory of Tom, strong and handsome Tom with dark blue eyes that haunted his dreams until they were replaced by luminescent hazel. He pulled away from Jared, rolling his body out of the grasp and turned to face Jared, eyes flashing. Didn’t he know? Didn’t he understand?

Jared’s lips were turned up into a small smile, large drops of rain clinging momentarily to his eyelashes before rolling down his face. Jensen was shaking, whether from the chill wind whipping against his rain-soaked clothes and skin or from the body heat rolling off of Jared’s body as he stepped closer, he wasn’t sure.

He should tell Jared to stop, to stop inching closer, to stop smiling as if he knew something. This was disgusting and dangerous and so terribly wrong. Jensen opened his mouth to say just that, but only a pained strangled noise fell from his lips.

Jared shook his head, rain flying from the strands of his hair and landing on Jensen’s face. Jensen licked his lower lip, collecting a few drops that had landed there, and shivered again. When Jared’s hand pressed flat against his chest, he should’ve shoved Jared back, should’ve punched him for touching him that way. Instead he closed his eyes.

“You can tell me to stop, Jensen,” Jared whispered and Jensen squeezed his eyes tighter, his cheeks hot and wet. When Jared swept his thumb across Jensen’s cheek, the touch sending a shiver down his spine, he realized he was crying. Then, Jared’s lips were against his, warm and soft in a chaste kiss, a simple touch of skin against skin. Jensen froze against him, gasped into Jared’s mouth, and that was all Jared needed.

Jared’s hands were on Jensen’s hips, his body pressing him into the tree, and Jensen couldn’t think to do anything except twist his hands into Jared’s flannel shirt and let himself be kissed. Jared tasted like corn and summertime, his body was hard and warm, his lips soft. Why did something so wrong feel so perfect? Jensen tore himself away from Jared’s mouth, shoving Jared away hard. The other boy stumbled once, his mouth slightly open as he stared back at Jensen in confusion.

“Jensen?”

“No! I’m not a fag, Jared.” Jensen shoved away from him and ran. “I’m not!” he screamed into the storm. He slipped once in the mud, his left leg completely coated in muck, but he pushed on, not stopping until he reached the tree line. He looked back once and saw Jared still standing at the tree, fingers pressed against his lips and watching forlornly as Jensen ran away.

Master Post || Chapter Three || Chapter Five

May 17th, 1951
Boston, Massachusetts

Jensen couldn’t sit still on the train seat. His feet were bouncing, shaking his entire body as he waited for the train to pull into the station. It had been three years since he’d been to his grandparents’ farm and in Jensen’s opinion that was three years too long.

After that first summer, things had continued to downslide at home. Alan became even more morose and angry than he had before Jensen and Josh had left for Vermont, and Jensen was left feeling guilty at how much he appreciated that the anger wasn’t only directed at him any longer. Alan was angry all the time it seemed and complained about everything–especially the neighbors who had way too many parties in his opinion and spent their evenings laughing much too loudly and playing catch much too often with their children, whom Alan felt were totally spoiled and mollycoddled.

After her sons had returned, their mother had spent those next six months fighting to keep her job. There were many tense arguments heard through their parents’ bedroom walls over the subject of who wore the pants in their family. It continued nearly every night, until one silent morning, when the boys tiptoed downstairs to find their mother still at home at breakfast time. No one had been allowed to ask about it. After that she was always home. Josh had gotten the pharmacy job and now after each day at school, Jensen walked back home by himself, while Josh was only too happy to attend to the store and stay out of the house until well after 8pm.

At first Jensen had been jealous, had wanted a job of his own. Then, Donna had become pregnant and as soon as Mackenzie was born, he had gotten his wish of sorts. With Josh out of the house as often as he was and Alan too busy emptying his glass of scotch every afternoon, Jensen and Donna became all Mackenzie had. The summers had been the worst – Josh was never home, leaving at sunrise and returning around sunset. Alan, at least, had gotten a construction job and for the most part was out of the house as well.

Not wanting to leave his mother and tiny sister alone, when the suggestion was made for Jensen to go to the farm that next summer – and then again the one after that—Jensen had declined, saying he didn’t want to miss anything that happened with Mackenzie and three months was an awful long time to be away. Donna had gratefully accepted the boy’s decision, and the subject was not brought up again until this year.

This time Jensen craved a break from the household tension and he welcomed the offer to travel to Boston once more. It had taken all of his resolve not to pack his bags immediately after receiving confirmation he would be going -- he had to still wait six weeks after all for school to end.

Kissing Mackenzie goodbye after he finally packed his bag for the trip this year was actually harder than Jensen had imagined it would be. It wasn’t her fault that tensions were so thick they were suffocating every member of the family, and despite the mild resentment he felt towards taking care of her when her own father should’ve stepped up, Jensen loved Mackenzie more than anything in the entire world.

“I’m gonna miss you, frog.”

“Ribbit!” Mackenzie giggled and hopped on all fours towards Jensen’s feet before reaching up to him. Jensen bent down and picked the toddler up, giving her a hug.

“I’m gonna’ miss you, Mac. You be a good little Froggy for Mama while I’m gone, all right?

Suddenly she was clinging desperately to her older sibling. “No, Jen… No go …no leave Mac!” she scolded imperiously in her whining two year-old voice as tears trickled from her eyes.

“I’ll be back soon, Mac… I’ll bring you home some yummy corn, how’s that?” Mackenzie’s whimpering grew more muffled and she buried her face into Jensen’s neck, nodding so the hair at the top of her head rubbed against his chin. “And I’ll write to you too, you can have Mama read the letters to you, okay? Mama can help you make some pictures to send to me, too. Mac can draw Jen some pictures, okay?”

“Froggy pictures!” Her bright, blue eyes shone through her tears and he laughed as he put her back on the floor.

“Yup… Froggy pictures! I’ll hang up every one, promise.”

Now, Jensen was alone and for a brief moment when he took his seat on the train by himself, he panicked and wondered if he was making a mistake by leaving. What if his grandparents didn’t pick him up? What if he couldn’t find his way through Boston without Josh’s help? What if something happened to Mackenzie and he wasn’t there? What if, what if, what if?

Josh had clapped him on the shoulder as they said goodbye on the platform and gave him a quick hug, telling him he was going to miss him this summer. Jensen had nodded and watched as his brother slipped back behind the wheel of their father’s pick-up and drove away, leaving him officially alone. He sighed and told himself he was only a year younger than Josh had been that first year they went to the farm. Jensen could do this. It wasn't like he was going to be walking back home. He could just imagine the response he would get from his father...

It took them two days of travel and Jensen had barely slept; he’s replayed countless ways this could go wrong, every possible situation including Jensen tripping and falling into the Boston bay and drowning the moment he got into the city to meet his grandfather. As he dragged his bag along with him, his heart skipped happily and a huge grin broke out across his face when he saw Gerry Padalecki leaning against a light post, directly across from the main doors of South Station.

“Gerry!” Jensen barely looked as he booked it across the street and launched himself into Gerry’s outstretched arms.

“Hey, kiddo! We’ve all missed you! I could barely milk all of those cows without your help.” Gerry ruffled his hair and reached down to grab Jensen’s bag and sling it up over his own shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind… Got myself a vehicle and I offered to get you on the way through so your Grandpa wouldn’t have to drive down.”

“Nope!” Jensen beamed back at him, all of the nerves he had felt the entire trip bleeding away.

“Well… alright then! I’ve got my boys with me this year, I think you’ll like them.”

“Oh yeah?” Jensen’s eyes widened a bit and he found himself walking faster, now ahead of Gerry. “Are they driving with us? Are they here now?”

“Yeah, Jeffrey and Jared are waiting for us by the car. You’re just about Jeffrey’s age… He’s twelve this year.” Jensen skipped the rest of the way to the car, eager to meet the boys he’d heard so much about already.

“Boys! Come say hello to Jensen!” Gerry called as they approached the car. It was a dark green Mercury, the large headlight globes seemed to be glowing in the sunlight, and Jensen itched to run his hands over it. In their neighborhood he had seen a few Oldsmobiles and Fords, but mostly everyone in Austin stuck with their pick-up trucks or convertibles. Leaning with his foot against the fender, a boy Jensen’s age looked up. “Foot off the damn car, Jeff!” The boy pushed off, rolling his eyes and when he moved, Jensen could see a smaller boy with shaggy hair peeking out at him.

“Hey,” Jensen gave a small wave. The smaller boy timidly ducked his head down to peek at him from beneath the hair that now curtained his face while his older brother rolled his eyes, stepped forward, and held out his hand.

“I’m Jeff. The shy brat behind me? That’s Jared.” Jensen smiled and shook the boy’s hand quickly while Gerry stood behind him and chuckled.

“Come on, boys, let’s get going. We want to get there before dinner, don’t we?”

“Yes, sir!” all three of them answered at once and Jensen climbed into the back seat with Jared while Jeff took the front. Gerry had loaded his bag into the floor well beneath Jared’s feet and the tips of his toes just barely scraped the top of the bag.

Jensen smiled as Jeff instantly launched into a long description of what he’d missed over the last two summers –because apparently even though Jensen and Josh hadn’t been able to go, Gerry had still gone every summer and had started bringing his own boys along to help.

Jared was silent, peering shyly at Jensen from beneath his bangs, and Jensen tried to get him to smile.

“Did you go last year, Jared?” the younger boy shook his head quickly, hair flying in all directions before he turned his body and lifted his face to look out the window avoiding any further interaction. Jensen shrugged, knowing how shy his little sister was whenever they met someone new. He knew it would be okay once they got to know each other better. They had the entire summer ahead of them. Jensen smiled.

June 10th, 1951
Somerset, Vermont

“Jensen! Jeff! Wait up!” Jeff sighed loudly, throwing his head back with his eyes closed as he skidded to a stop on the dirt path. Jensen froze with him, turning around and giving Jared a sheepish grin, feeling guilty that they had left the younger boy behind… again. “I… thought you were… gonna wait!” Jared panted out, gasping for air and bracing his hands on his knees when he finally caught up to them.

“We would’ve if we had wanted you to come with us, Jay,” Jeff rolled his eyes and turned around to his brother. “Sometimes I don’t want to watch out for my baby brother, you know?”

Jared looked hurt and Jensen was immediately on edge.

Jeff and Jared fought constantly. Being almost twelve himself, or at least closer to twelve then Jared was, Jensen knew exactly where Jeff was coming from. When they climbed the trees across from the farm they had to make sure they found a tree Jared’s short little legs could manage to get up on, and if not, they had to push him up and then help him down. When they raced the chickens, they had both gotten scolded by Gerry when they hadn’t noticed how Jared had tripped and scraped up his knee. Jeff had been mad about that one…

But, Jensen also knew what it was like to want to hang out with your older brother and he was awful glad Josh had always wanted to play with him too. He knew Jeff had a mean side though, but he wasn’t about to say that part out loud. Instead he crossed his arms and shrugged when Jeff looked at him.

“I mean… I guess he could go with us, couldn’t he, if he promises to keep up,” Jensen offered.

Jeff sighed once and then nodded reluctantly.

“Alright, but you have to carry the towels.” Jared’s eyes lit up and he bundled up Jeff and Jensen’s towels along with his own and jogged after them. When Jeff turned around, Jensen threw him a huge, matching smile and Jensen couldn’t help be proud that another crisis had been averted.

His thoughts went back to his third day on the farm when they’d gone to the creek for the first time. They had been wrestling on the bank, and Josh had gotten too rough and ended up giving little Jared a black eye. One thing led to another and before Jensen knew what had happened, the brothers were fighting so badly that Jared ended up drawing blood when he bit into Jeff’s shoulder and when Jensen went to pull him off, he himself ended up with a black eye. His grandfather had made them sit in different corners of the barn and threatened all of them with spending the entire night out there in the hayloft without any supper if they didn’t figure out how to get along better.

Jensen did not want a repeat performance of that night… Part of him had thought that sleeping in the hayloft would be kind of fun though. They could see the stars from the large window and they could fall asleep to the soft sounds of the horses stomping gently and whinnying quietly and the chirping of the crickets. But then as the sun fell from the horizon, a howling was added to the sounds of the night and Jensen had notbeen excited about the possibility of trying to go outside to pee and coming face to face with a coyote.

This time, thankfully, by the time they reached the bank of the creek, Jeff had all but forgotten his displeasure at his little brother tagging along. He playfully snatched away the towels, threw them onto the sand and then pushed a laughing Jared into the water. Jensen kicked off the sneakers he was wearing and followed after them.

The brothers taught Jensen how to play ‘Marco Polo’ and after countless rounds in which Jensen realized Jared was a lot smarter and quicker than either he or Josh had given him credit for, the three boys found themselves sprawled out on their towels underneath the sun, Jensen sandwiched between Jeff and Jared.

“So where’s your older brother?” Jeff asked, raising his arms to fold them underneath his head. “Dad said last time you were here, it was you and your brother.”

“Yeah, Josh.” Jensen nodded. “He’s working for a pharmacy near our house… he decided he wants to be a pharmacist and spends like, all of his time there when he isn’t home. I don’t know… Dad keeps telling him if he gets a good relationship with Mr. Collins then he might write him a good reference letter or something so Josh can go to school for it. He acts like he knows everything already… I don’t know why he’d have to go to school for it.”

“Oh,” Jeff replied, satisfied with Jensen’s answer.

“So… what about you? Why doesn’t your mom come up with your dad?” Jensen tilted his head and shielded his eyes from the sun to look at Jeff’s face.

“She’s with Grandpa,” Jared answered instead and Jensen had to shift to look in the younger boy’s direction. “He doesn’t like to travel… hates to leave the house unless he’s going to church. He used to be a doctor but he had to step down ‘cuz he started talking crazy and looking at people funny. Mama says she hates living with him ‘cuz she thinks some of the things he says aren’t right and he can be really mean, but Mama didn’t really want to travel with Megan anyways so she stayed there.”

“Who’s Megan?” Jensen asked, not knowing what to say about Jared and Jeff’s grandfather. He kind of reminded him of Jensen’s own father…

“Oh, she’s our little sister,” Jeff spoke up. “Mama was pregnant the first year Mr. Ackles hired Dad so she’s going to be three in October.”

“Oh. I have a little sister now too. She just turned two before I came down here.” They fell into a comfortable silence after that, all three boys letting the sun warm and dry their skin until Grandma was hollering for them from the house.

“I’ll race you back,” Jeff called as he leapt to his feet, ripping his towel from the ground and spraying Jensen with the sand.

“We both know you’ll win!” Jensen grumbled and tried to shake off the sand. Beside him Jared carefully picked up his towel and then started off like a shot after his older brother. Jensen couldn’t help but laugh and follow after them.

June 26th, 1951
Somerset, Vermont

"Jensen?" Jensen woke with a start. He had finally fallen asleep despite the thunderstorm that was still raging on outside. With wide eyes he sat up and tried to see what had awakened him. A horrendous flash of lightning lit up the room suddenly and he saw Jared standing beside his bed, a teddy bear clenched tightly against his chest, and his eyes about ready to bug out from his head.

"Jared?" Jensen shifted so he was closer to the edge of the bed, confused. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Je-Jeff kicks an-and the li-ligh-lightning woke me up an-and--" a loud clap of thunder interrupted Jared's stuttering and he let out a shriek and jumped up onto the mattress with Jensen, his bear falling to the floor as he threw his arms around Jensen's middle.

Jensen was shocked by the sudden bear hug and seconds away from pushing the kid out of his bed and telling him to go back to his own room when he felt how hard Jared was shaking. The boy’s entire body was shivering, and over the downpour Jensen swore he could even hear Jared's teeth chattering and his heart thudding within his small chest.

He settled back, pulling Jared flat next to him and folded an arm under his head so Jared could still hug him without either of their arms falling asleep.

"You know what my big brother Josh used to tell me about thunderstorms?" He said softly and carded a hand back through Jared's long hair.

"N-no..." Jared's voice was muffled against his side.

"He told me that Thunder and Lightning were brothers, and although they were very close... They sometimes fought. When they did? Thunder got very loud and would storm around and stomp his feet; so loud that even the smallest ant on the ground could hear it!

"Lightning wasn't as loud, but he liked to tease Thunder by flashing him with light whenever Thunder started to calm down. Because he was trying to make his brother mad, sometimes he could even light up the whole sky!" As if on cue, a huge flash of lightning lit up the room again followed by a loud rumble of thunder.

Jared jumped but kept his eyes pinned on Jensen's face. "They seem really, really angry right now," the younger boy whispered and Jensen nodded.

"They do. And when they fight, they make their friends and their family upset and all of them cry because they know the brothers really love each other even though they fight."

"Is the ra-rain their te-tears?"

"Yup! You're right!" Jensen nodded and smiled at Jared, remembering the stormy night Josh had told him this same story when his own fearful crying had pulled Josh from his slumber in the middle of a night.

"What happens if they don't stop fighting?" Jared asked in a whisper, jumping again at the low rumble of thunder.

"Won't happen." Jensen shook his head. "Family is important and no matter what? They always make up. And when they do? The sun always shines extra bright the next day for the brothers." Jared was quiet and they lay in silence listening to the thunder that was starting to taper off.

"It sounds like they're not fighting so much anymore."

"They're probably getting tired. Why don't you try to go to sleep?"

"Can I stay in here with you, Jensen?"

Jensen smiled and nodded, fixing the covers over them. "Well… you're already here so I guess that's okay."

Jared snuggled against his side, burying his face in against the older boy’s shoulder and was soon fast asleep. Jensen watched him for a few moments and smiled sadly, wondering if Mackenzie had experienced her first real storm yet and wondering if Josh would've told her the story too. He closed his eyes and let himself drift back to sleep, images of him and Jared jumping from cloud to cloud, each step they took giving off a burst of thunder and their smiles lighting up the sky.

July 4th, 1951
Somerset, Vermont

“Come on!” Jeffery was already standing at the edge of the woods, his entire body screaming out his impatience. Jensen rolled his eyes and turned around again, waiting for Jared to catch up.

“Come on, Jared! Your brother’s going to have a fit if we don’t catch up to him,” he laughed when Jared was at his side. The younger boy had been roped into carrying their picnic basket, and despite the struggle it was giving him, Jared had adamantly refused any help in carrying it.

“I know… I know…” Jared huffed and tried to shift the awkward basket higher on his forearm.

“We’re almost there. My Grandpa said the clearing was just through these woods…” Jensen turned back around and started after Jeff again, Jared close on his heels. The day had been hot and long and all three boys had been busy helping Gerry and Albert dig a new well for the back fields.



“Boys, this is where the money is!” Albert laughed as walked with the rest of the company in tow. Jensen had never been this far back at the farm. Most of the fields and pens were closer to the house and the creek. As far as he knew, all there was behind the large farmhouse were fields overgrown by wild grass and sweet-smelling honeysuckle as far as the eye could see.

For the past month, however, both Gerry and his Grandfather had been far out in the back acreage, driving the big tractor along back and forth through the long grass while Jensen and Jeff were tasked with tending to all the animals’ needs and Jared was kept busy gathering whatever fruits or vegetables Jensen’s grandmother requested that day.

Now, Jensen could hardly believe his eyes as acres and acres of recently tilled soil stretched before him. Jensen looked towards his Grandfather and smiled when he saw the look of pure joy on the older man’s face. He was almost skipping, whistling to the last song he had heard on the radio, his arms swinging at his sides.

In the three years since Jensen had last been at the farm, there had been a few changes. One of those involved some of the livestock. For many years the acres just past the barnyard had always been tilled and planted with the help of his grandfather’s big plow-horses, Molly and Matilda. When he returned this summer however Jensen had been quite surprised to see that the two old mares were now spending their daylight hours quietly munching grass in the small pasture alongside the milk cows. And yet still each morning Grandfather and Gerry said their goodbyes and would go off to “tend the crops” happily disappearing into the early morning gloom.

So Jensen had silently wondered exactly what the men had been up to each day. When he had first arrived, Jensen had listened curiously as they discussed how after the acquisition of the tractor, his grandfather had been able to almost double crop production and had increased his farm’s profitability greatly. Jensen assumed that meant he made more money in the past three years than he had in a long while, and with the way his grandmother and grandfather were constantly sharing happy looks and touches, Jensen was just as thrilled. Now after seeing the results of the two men’s weeks of hard work Jensen truly understood the tired smiles and happiness the new tractor had left in its wake.

In the month since the clearing of the back fields had started, Gerry and Albert were usually hunched over at the dinner table talking about the equipment they would need to dig a well, the type of pump that Gerry believed he could get working, and how adding a new irrigation system to the back fields would give the Ackles’ Farm more crops than they would know what to do with.

As they came to the huge clearing, there was a large, towering machine waiting for them. Jensen felt his eyes widen and he turned to Jeff and Jared to see the same expression on both of their faces.

“What is that?” Jeff was the first to find his words, looking between his father and Albert.

Gerry laughed and said, “That, boys, is the biggest dang drill you’ll ever see on this farm!” Jensen turned to look at the machine again and it must have shown on his face that his questions weren’t anywhere close to being answered. “I’ve got some friends who were in the oil business before the war, so I spent some time last fall talking to them and they told me about this here derrick,” Gerry continued as he pointed to the triangle support around the huge drill. “And with this baby,” he patted the large auger in the center, “we’ll get us a nice, deep well and we’ll just barely have to get our hands dirty digging it.”

Jensen nodded slowly and Jeff turned his head towards his father. “Just tell us what you want us to do, Papa. I’m not even gonna try to understand that thing.”



Although the massive drill ended up doing most of the work, Jeff and Jensen had spent most of the afternoon pushing away the large rocks and rolling them down into the closest field as Albert and Gerry lifted them out of the way of the drill’s path. Jared, being too small to be able to carry or roll most of the rocks, got to help operate the large drill under Gerry’s watchful eye.

The tired muscles in his arms and legs were screaming at Jensen as he trudged up the grassy hill and for a second, he was glad Jared was the one who had to carry the heavy picnic basket containing their late supper. At least he was carrying something today. Jensen stopped again to watch as Jared struggled to make his way over a large, knotted tree root and with a sigh he retraced his steps back to help the smaller boy.

“Let me take that while you climb over,” he offered and reached out his hands for the basket. Jared agreed gratefully, and had to almost climb on all fours to get around the large root. When he reached for the basket again, Jensen shook his head. “No, you can carry it on the way back, how’s that?”

“Okay,” Jared smiled and moved quickly to keep pace with Jensen’s wider stride. “Do you think you’re going to be here next summer?”

“I don’t know…” Jensen answered honestly. “I’d like to…”

“Me too,” Jared smiled and flashed Jensen a dimpled smile. “I heard Papa talking to Mr. Ackles about getting some property up here… He just has to talk to my mama first. But what if we did live here too? Wouldn’t that be cool? I think I wanna be a farmer just like Mr. Ackles when I grow up.”

“Oh yeah?” Jensen laughed, throwing Jared a quick glance before returning his attention to the tree roots before them. “Farmer Jared, I think that sounds pretty good.”

“Yup! Except I wouldn’t have any cows…” Jared shook his head quickly.

“No cows? How can you have a farm with no cows?” Jensen stopped and turned to look at him, confused.

“They’re so big!” Jared’s voice had dropped to a whisper, his eyes almost bugging out of his head as he reached for Jensen’s arm. His small fingers were twisted fearfully into the sleeve of Jensen’s over shirt and Jensen almost laughed at his panicked expression. “Like, what if they fall over and you get squished and all you were trying to do was get some milk for breakfast and then your guts go all over the barn floor…” Jared shivered.

“I don’t think cows just fall over, Jay,” Jensen pointed out, shaking his head with a soft laugh. In his mind’s imagination he tried to picture a big falling cow, “Is that why you don’t help me and Jeff milk the cows in the mornings?”

Jared nodded in response. “Yes! But… don’t tell Jeff, okay?”

“Your secret is safe with me. Huh… Jared is afraid of cows…” Jensen chuckled in disbelief at the little boy’s childlike fear of cows. Thinking the older boy was making fun of him, Jared huffed sadly and pushed Jensen’s arm away, taking a few steps to the side to put distance between them. Jensen tried, but failed, to keep his amusement inside. “Jared! I’m sorry… Really I wasn’t laughing at you… I was…”

“Just you wait until I find out what you’re afraid of, Jensen! I bet you I won’t laugh at you! ‘Cuz you’re my friend!” Jared spat out angrily. Jensen stopped laughing immediately, feeling guilty at the sudden hurt reflected in Jared’s voice.

“You’re right… and I’m sorry, Jared” he caught up with Jared and nudged his shoulder. “I’ll make sure that I take over all cow duties, okay?”

“For the rest of forever.” Jared muttered and Jensen nodded in agreement.

“For the rest of forever, I promise. Now come on, I bet you Jeff has already set up the blanket.” Jared nodded and they made the rest of the trek through the woods in a comfortable silence. It was Jared who reached the edge of the woods first and when he gasped, Jensen quickened his pace.

The moment the trees ended, it opened up into a large grassy, rolling meadow. The area stretched on for what felt like miles, but at the far right was a massive oak tree, its thick branches stretched out towards the fading sun.

“Jensen! Look!” Jared pointed ahead and Jensen’s eyes followed his finger. There were hundreds, maybe even thousands of fireflies dancing through the ends of the grass their tiny lights glimmering like magic. Jensen wondered if once it was full dark, if the meadow would be completely lit up because of them. “They’re beautiful, like fairy lights,” Jared whispered in awe.

“Come on!” Jensen laughed, shifting the basket to his left arm and reaching for Jared’s hand. Jared gripped his hand tightly and allowed himself to be pulled forward and together they ran the rest of the way up the gentle hill to the base of the oak tree.

“Up here!” Jeff called to them as Jensen dropped the picnic basket onto the checkered blanket Jeff had carried. Looking up, they saw Jeff sitting on a large branch, his legs swinging in the air. “You guys have got to come up here!”

“Come on, Jay!” Jensen laughed and ran to the base of the tree, circling it once before he saw the path Jeff must have taken to get up. He waited for Jared and leaned down, locking his hands together for Jared’s foot to give him the boost he needed to get into the lowest branch. “Just don’t fall…” he cautioned and Jared rolled his eyes.

“I know how to climb a tree, Jensen!” Jensen laughed and waited for Jared to get to the next branch, glad to see Jeff’s outstretched arm ready to help his little brother, before he climbed up onto the branch himself. They chose two thick branches and Jensen was quickly seated on one beside Jared while Jeff had his legs stretched out along the second branch with his back against the trunk of the tree.

The upper branches were spread apart, giving them all the view they needed over the top of the meadow and the woods far beyond.

“Do you think we’re gonna see any?” Jared asked, leaning his head against Jensen’s shoulder and swinging his legs in time with Jensen’s.

“I hope so… Grandma said they were talking about it in town when she went to check up on the farm stand…” Jensen nodded, leaning his left shoulder against the tree trunk.

“We just have to wait until dark,” Jeff added from the branch slightly below them. “Can’t see anything if it’s not dark out.”

Jared nodded, accepting the answer and they sat in an anxious silence. When the first sparkles of light exploded against the night sky, Jared gasped, sitting up straight and leaning forward, eyes wide. Jensen reached out to grab him, half afraid that Jared was going to end up launching himself straight out of the tree.

“Jensen! Look!” Jared’s mouth was open in awe, his eyes reflecting the fantastic splashes of colors that were blossoming brightly across the sky far above the tree line. Jensen laughed and looked down to see Jeff looking at his little brother with a wide grin on his face.

“Told you they were the most amazing things you’d ever see, Jay!” Jeff smiled and Jared nodded down at him quickly before snapping back to the fireworks. It was then that it hit Jensen – there hadn’t been fireworks since he himself was even younger than Jared was now… The last time he had seen fireworks was before the war. He’d heard his grandfather talk a bit about it that morning at breakfast, how the towns were finally able to spare money for the explosives and how it had been enough time that hopefully it wouldn’t upset too many veterans. He looked beside him, at the awe and transfixed stare on the younger boy’s face, and knew that this was the first time Jared had ever seen fireworks for the Fourth of July.

He moved his arm around Jared’s shoulder, squeezing gently, and when he looked back up, the fireworks seemed even brighter.

August 3rd, 1951
Boston, Massachusetts

Jensen felt sad, sadder than he had at the end of the first summer when he had to leave his grandparents’ farm and return to his own home.

He was pressed into the back seat of Gerry’s big green car, both Jeff and Jared sitting with him this time as the front seat was loaded with all of their bags. Jared was unnaturally quiet—once he had warmed up to Jensen after that first week at the barn, it was rare for the younger boy to be doing anything other than talking, loudly and animatedly. Jensen looked over at Jeff and saw he looked just as miserable as Jensen felt.

“Come on guys, you’ll see each other soon enough. Before you know it, it’ll be summer again!” Gerry said comfortingly as he pulled the car into a parking spot, cutting off the engine. He turned in the driver’s seat, offering all three boys a small smile. “Come on, you’re mother’s never going to let you come again if you look that miserable. That goes for you too Jensen!”

“Yes, Gerry,” Jensen nodded and tried to make himself smile. He was excited to see Mackenzie, he had every one of her pictures she’d sent over the summer in the top of his bag, and of course he had missed his mother and Josh… but that was about it. He didn’t miss the house, or sharing a bed with Josh, or his always angry father.

He didn’t miss the arguments that broke out over every meal, the empty bottles of scotch and dirty glasses left all around the living room and kitchen every morning, or the silence that even little Mac was afraid to break.

Gerry shook his head sadly at the three of them and got out of the car, circling to the passenger’s door to pull Jensen’s bag off of the top of the pile. “Come on guys, Jensen’s train is waiting.”

Jared slipped out first, shuffling his feet beside the car while he waited for Jensen to climb out after him. When he was standing on the pavement, Jared threw his arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

“You have to promise you’re going to come next summer, okay?” the little guy pleaded against Jensen’s stomach, tiny vibrations threatening to make Jensen laugh. He probably would have if he wasn’t so upset…

“I’ll do my best, Jay, okay?” he hugged him back and then gave Jeff a hug before turning to Gerry. “Thank you for the ride.”

“You got it, kiddo. Keep in touch, yeah? You don’t need to wait until summertime to talk to us, you hear?” Jensen nodded and hugged him quickly before fishing his train ticket out of the top of his bag.

“Bye,” he waved sadly to the little family before turning around, and heading into South Station and towards his platform. As he reached the huge main doors he turned around one last time to see Jared still waving forlornly after him. He gave Jared one last wave and a small, quavering smile before disappearing into the building.

He would come back again next year, as far as Jensen’s decision was concerned, it wasn’t even a question.


Art by 2blueshoes

Master Post || Chapter One || Chapter Three

September 14th, 2014
Somerset, Vermont

The leaves were already changing, bringing with them the sharp, pungent smell of fall. Green became a color of the past, replaced with bright reds, oranges, yellows… Jensen Ackles leaned against his cane, his calves groaning in protest as he pushed himself up the small hill, the wooden bench coming into view. He felt a small smile perk at his lips, the first genuine smile he'd had in weeks.

“Hey, Jay,” he whispered, his voice raspy with age. His lungs were straining against the cool air, reminding him that summer was already long gone. He ran his fingertips along the bench, the worn wood warming to his touch. “I miss you,” he whispered.

He let the cane fall against the seat, sinking himself down, bones popping and creaking as his position changed. He sighed, relaxing into the back of the bench and let his eyes fall closed. A soft breeze blew around him, leaves that had already fallen dancing around his feet. He inhaled deeply and smiled again. The few rebellious rays of sunshine that had yet to dissipate into night were warming his face and he reached out beside him, forgetting for a moment he was alone.

Because he was now.

“Dad?” He looked up, smiling sadly as his oldest daughter made her way up the hill. His heart skipped a beat as he saw what she held in her hands, and he pushed himself into a standing position to hug her.

“Jenna.” He smiled, kissing the top of her head. “Where are the kids?”

“I left them at home with Mark. I figured it would be best, just us, you know?” She said, and he watched the tears swimming in her eyes. He nodded. “Kaleb, Cameron and Leigh are on their way.”

He looked over her shoulder, smiling again as he watched his three other children making their way up the hill, shoulders touching as they took comfort in one another. Although their family had always been close, it always tugged at something deep inside to see his children together.

“Hey Dad.” Cameron approached him first, and he hugged each of his children in turn, squeezing their shoulders hard. He understood them as much as they did him. They were in this together; they always were.

“Ready?” He whispered, meeting each set of watery eyes in turn. “Let’s get Daddy home.” He turned and walked around the backside of the bench, knowing all four of them were following. He looked down at the old, broken stump; weather and time had eaten away at it, leaving the center of it completely destroyed.

Kaleb stepped forward with a shovel, using the wide, pointed blade to bite further into the rotting wood, widening and deepening the hole until he met rich, dark soil underneath. When Kaleb had finished removing any of the larger pieces of decayed wood, Jensen smiled at him, and gratefully accepted his son’s arm to help him to drop to his knees. The joints popped and screamed at him, pain shooting to his hips, but he didn’t care. He needed this, they needed this.

“Here, Dad.” Jenna whispered, handing him the small bundle. It was a small oak sapling that had been carefully guarded in the safety of their childhood home until it grew strong enough to survive on its own. He closed his eyes, willing his entire soul into its roots through the tips of his fingers; his strength, his love, his patience and undying devotion to his family and the ones he loved.

With arthritic, shaking fingers, he carefully untwisted the metal cord around the base of the tree, releasing it and the mesh fabric containing the roots. He slowly loosened them, working his fingers into the soil. He placed it carefully on the broken stump and looked up at his children, who were attentively watching his every move.

“Okay,” he whispered, smiling at them. He exhaled slowly, reaching into his deep coat pocket for the small urn resting there. He pulled it out, and lifted the cool metal to his lips, kissing it softly. “Love you,” he whispered before carefully prying off the top.

Bending low he held the little urn above the hole in the stump, before cautiously upending it and letting the ashes spill out to mix with the rich, black earth. He resealed the urn carefully, setting it aside, before picking up the sapling again. He worked quietly, adding the sapling to the hole before backfilling the area with the dirt his son had dug out. Jenna moved beside him, using the watering can Cameron had carried to slowly pour water over the earth, mixing new life with death.

A sob above made him look up, a sad smile on his lips as he watched his youngest daughter Leigh turn into Cameron’s shoulder, clinging to her brother’s jacket as if her life depended on it. Perhaps, at this moment, it did. Jensen sat back on his heels, ignoring the pain it gave him, and looked at the tree, their tree, Jared’s tree.

“You have to promise--” He started before Kaleb cut him off.

“Dad, please. Don’t.”

“No. All of you, look at me.” He took in the three sets of green eyes before he met Jenna’s hazel ones, a pang going through his heart. “I need you to promise me, that this tree will stay here. It needs to stay in our family, it has to. And when the time comes – Leigh, please.” He smiled sadly at the strangled noise she made and swallowed before pushing on, “When the time comes, this is where I want to be.”

“Dad… we wouldn’t have it any other way,” Jenna whispered, dropping to her knees beside him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “We would never separate you and Daddy.” He smiled, leaning into her embrace. The five of them stayed there, looking at each other, the small tree, and nothing at the same time until the last bits of light disappeared from the sky.

“Come on,” Cameron said, pulling a flashlight from his pocket and flicking it on.

Jensen allowed his sons to help him get back up into a standing position, Leigh suddenly there with his cane. He smiled at her, grateful.

“I’ll be right there,” he promised softly with a small nod of his head. Jenna hesitated, before handing him another small flashlight and reluctantly following her siblings back down the hill to the large farmhouse below. Jensen tried to keep his hand from shaking as he aimed the thin beam towards the little tree.

He made his way carefully around the stump, knowing from years of past experiences where each and every knotted root and hole were, before he came to the front of the bench again. He let his fingers dance over the back, over the sets of initials that were carved there. His flashlight strayed across the ground until it landed on the new addition to this spot, a grey marbled stone, set into the ground.

“I love you Jay, and I’ll see you soon,” he whispered softly into the night, reading the words that glared back up at him. Now alone, with no expectations upon him, he finally let the tears fall. He stood there, crying silently until there was nothing left. Nothing left, except a promise. I’ll be with you, always.


Jared Padalecki-Ackles
July 19th 1944 – August 3rd 2015
Husband, Father, Son
Always


Master Post||Chapter One