Underneath the Oak Tree -- Chapter Fourteen

[lotrspnfangirl]

Title: Underneath the Oak Tree
Author/Artist Name: lotrspnfangirl
Prompt Number and/or Title: Picture #12 from slashorific
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Medium or Word Count: Fic -- WIP 60k+
Genre(s): Alternate Universe - Past!fic (1940's-present time)
Warnings/Content: technically a death fic but it's of old age, angst, homophobia, child abuse (mild)
Summary: Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki met at the Ackles’ Farm as children in southern Vermont. Coming out as gay in the 60’s isn’t easy, neither is raising four kids on a farm. But together, they learn the struggles, values, and precious moments that life has to offer.
Notes: Thank you for being patient with me! I just started nursing school and things have been hectic. A lot of research went into this chapter to make sure the events and world the boys are in right now were accurate. Huge thank you, as always, to oldbatj who never fails to amaze me with her patience and commitment to helping me make these words so much shinier than I could've ever had them alone!
I have gotten zero comments on LJ for this story. Is anyone reading me? Please let me know how I am doing and what you think! Comments are the biggest motivator! Feedback fuels the fire! I thrive on criticism and thoughts of all of you guys, so lay it on me!

June 30th, 1970
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen smiled softly, lifting Jenna off of the couch and carrying her in his arms to her bedroom. She had fallen asleep, curled up at his side, as they listened to the evening radio. Every day she surprised him with how grown up she was and it was the moments like this that Jensen loved the most.

It had been a month since Jared had left, and Jensen felt it. He felt it every day, no matter what he was doing, and he sometimes part of him wondered how he was going to get through the next year. Mackenzie had closed up the cabin and come to live in the main farmhouse with her boys until Lee came home, and Jensen was glad for her company.

The late afternoons where he used to usually rest with Jared in the shade of their oak tree, Jensen now spent, using the woodworking skills Jared had taught him, building a wooden bunk bed set and some extra dressers for the kids. He figured even once Mackenzie moved back to the cabin, there would still be many nights the boys would stay at the farm and they would be grateful to have a bed to call their own.

Plus, Mackenzie had just broken the news to them that she was once again pregnant. Jensen was happy for her, truly, but something deep inside ached. He wished he and Jared could have kids of their own—although as far as anyone was concerned, Jared was just as much Jenna’s father as Jensen himself. Jensen sadly felt that Jared deserved to experience those first moments of a child’s life just like Jensen had had with Jenna.

“Daddy?” Jensen opened his eyes and turned his head to look at his daughter in the dim light that had managed to creep in from the hallway.

“Yes, little one?” Jensen asked as he turned, reaching up to brush a lock of hair from Jenna’s face.

“Is… is Papa going to come home?” Jenna whispered, her voice cracking and large hazel eyes searching his, her lower lip trembling slightly.

“Oh Jenna… Why would you ask that? Of course he’s going to come home.”

“I heard the radio talking about some soldiers that weren’t going to come home… And Grandpa Gerry was talking about some people with signs and stuff when they went to the market yesterday.”

“He’s going to come home, baby,” Jensen assured her, wrapping his arms around her tightly and pulling her against his chest. He held her close, kissing the top of her head as the tears finally spilled over.

“He has to, Daddy… Why can’t he come home now? Can’t we just tell the Army that we need him here?” Jensen’s heart broke as he listened to Jenna’s pleas and he shut his eyes, clinging to her just as much as she was to him.

“He’ll be home again before we know it. Right when we start to miss him so much we don’t think we can stand it anymore? He’ll be pulling right up the driveway. Just like Papa told you, he’s got a job to do.” Jensen’s hands moved in soothing circles over her back, whispering into her ear.

“He’s got a job here! I already miss him so much, Daddy. I don’t think I can miss him anymore…”

“How about we go to the tree tomorrow, huh? We can write Papa a letter too. I’m sure he would love to hear from you. What do you think?” Jenna sniffed and nodded, rubbing her nose against her Dad’s chest before she pulled back and looked up at him with tearful eyes.

“Can I tell him Auntie Mack is having another baby?”

“Yeah, you can tell him,” Jensen nodded, kissing her forehead. “And you can tell him that you learned to use the milking machine, and that Grandpa Gerry let you help him plow some of the back field.”

“Will it make him too sad and make him miss home too much, Daddy?”

“I think he’s going to miss home no matter what, Jenna. But reading about how well you’re doing and how much fun you’re having? That’s really going to make him smile.” Jenna nodded and Jensen gave her another kiss on the top of her head before tucking the comforter in around her. “Now try to get some sleep. We’ve got to get up early.”

Jensen lay down beside her still cradling her body to his chest, his arm started to fall asleep along with his daughter, but he didn’t feel like moving. Jenna’s breath was warm against his cheek and he smiled as he let his own eyes fall closed. He would get up soon, knew he had to in the end, but for right now the thought of crawling into his cold and empty bed made his stomach twist.

“He’ll be home soon,” Jensen whispered into the darkness. Maybe if he said it out loud enough, he’d start to believe it.

July 1th, 1970
Somerset, Vermont

Dear Papa,
How are you? I hope you are doing well. Things at the farm are the same as always, except everyone here misses you. Grandpa Gerry taught me how to plow the field with the tractor the other day! That was a lot of fun. Sitting on the tractor, I’m taller than you!

I even learned how to milk the cows with the machine, so when you get home you won’t have to do it. Grandma is teaching me how to make my own ice cream tonight too. I told her I don’t want to make strawberry ice cream until you come home.

I miss you a lot and I hope you are safe and not missing us too much. Jenny said that I could write to you whenever I feel lonely or miss you, and I want you to know that you can do the same thing. She also says you will be home sooner than we know.

I hope so. I’ve been sneaking some really good pieces of wood out of the woodpile and putting them in the loft so we can carve them when you come back home. Don’t worry, they’re not close to the open window so I hope they’ll be fine and dry.

I’m sending you hugs and kisses! (Grammy Sherri told me to, that’s why the paper is wrinkled).

Love, Jenna xoxoxoxoxoxox

Jensen smiled as he smoothed out his daughter’s letter to Jared, sneaking his changes in carefully so she didn’t see what he was doing. Before Jared had left, they’d decided on coding the letters so that Jared wouldn’t have to worry about anyone reading them or intercepting them. As far as anyone needed to know, he had gotten married and gained a step-daughter through the marriage that he’d known for her entire life.

He took a second page of paper from the notebook he’d brought to the tree and laid it out flat on the cover. Jenna was busy nearby, humming to herself as she dug around the tree roots for worms. Gerry had promised to take her fishing that afternoon once all of the chores were done. He’s taken her hunting for night crawlers the night before but she was determined to find more worms on her own.

Smiling, Jensen put his pen to the page and began to write.

Jared,
I hope this letter finds you well and the days are passing faster for you than they are for me. Things have been slow around here without you. Today is the first time I’ve come to our tree and all I can think of is that last night out here under the stars. I continue to tell myself that you will be home before I know it, that this time will fly by and once you’re here, we’ll have the rest of our lives. But I wouldn’t mind if that happened sooner rather than later.

Things here are well. We’ve plowed and planted. I signed a deal with a company with a cereal company in New Hampshire so most of the fields have been made into corn fields. It’s easier dealing with one crop, but looking out across them is not as interesting. My grandparents had been talking about cutting back on selling at the farm stand every weekend anyway. This solves that issue pretty easily.

Mackenzie is pregnant again and this time she’s hoping for a little girl. Jenna wanted to tell you the news but she must have forgotten. Lee is going to have a new child when he comes home and you will have a new niece or nephew! Now you’re probably already planning on what toys you should carve for them. I think the best gift of all would be to come home safe.

I love you, and I miss you more than anything. I sleep on your side of the bed hoping it will make me feel closer to you at night, but I would much rather have you be here instead. One day at a time. I’m already counting down.

I love you.
Always, Jen

After folding up the two letters, Jensen stuck them in the pocket of his shirt and leaned back against the tree. He turned his head and smiled softly as he looked at the initials Jared had carved into the tree the night of their wedding. Slowly, he ran his fingertips over them, letting the scarred, misshapen bark bite into the pads of his fingertips.

“Alright,” he stretched after a moment and leaned forward to look at his daughter from around the tree trunk. “You think you’ve got enough worms to catch us some dinner?”

“I’m going to catch the biggest fish in the entire river!” Jenna nodded happily, holding out the old coffee can for Jensen to look into. Inside were at least four worms, trying to burrow their way into the few clumps of dirt she’d thrown in there.

“You better,” Jensen said as he pushed himself up from the ground. Jenna rattled the can around once, watching the worms squirm in their panic to recover themselves and then started off back towards the farm house with her father. “I’m starving, so I could eat at least one big fish.”

“You have to share, Daddy,” Jenna chided and Jensen laughed.

August 15th, 1970
Tân An, Vietnam

Jared sunk down against a fallen tree, stretching his legs out before him and adjusting his gun so it was beside him and easily within reach—just in case. He sighed softly, rolling his shoulders and groaning at the movement. It had been a few weeks and Jared wasn’t sure if he would ever feel dry or comfortable again. Everything here was always damp, humid, sticky…

He glanced up at the men around him – his men—in various stages of ‘rest’. They’d been on the move most of the day, under Jared’s command, and Jared still wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Being one of the oldest in the group and having excelled in various parts of training both in Basic and AIT, as well as in pre-deployment training, Jared soon found himself declared Squad Leader- Sergeant Padalecki of Bravo Team. Jared thought the commander of the 196th was insane.

They’d left the relative safety of the airbase in Chû Chi under the direction of the Commander, but now Jared was the one in charge. Their mission was supposedly simple… gain information on the Cong’s movements in Hó Bò Woods. Four years prior, the Viet Cong had been building a base with a bunker and tunnel systems that would provide the communist group plenty of space to store weapons and men as well as the ability to move around undetected. When US soldiers attacked the base they lost 50 men, half of which were injured and sent home, and now they were being asked to confirm the rumors that the Cong had returned.

Not one of the men under him were excited about the prospect of trying to gain intelligence. They were supposed to be Army Training Support, not on the front lines, and although none of them spoke it aloud, he was sure that they weren’t feeling confident about having their first mission be under the command of a sergeant who was as green as they were.

After nearly sixteen hours of plowing through thick grass and dense jungle growth, Jared made the decision to ask for refuge at a small village known to be full of American sympathizers. But even in among the peaceful huts, none of his men were foolish enough to let their guard down, however nice it was to feel appreciated and wanted by the villagers.

From his spot on the ground, Jared made a quick mental note as to where his men were. Dionne, Smith and Johnson were huddled near the small fire, Young, Kent and Hemming were playing with a ball fashioned from a sock stuffed full of leaves and dried grass, and Murray was sitting beside him, right at Jared’s back.

“Do you think this was a good idea?” Jared asked softly, clearing his throat once. Through it all, Chad had been the one person who was supportive and agreed that Jared would make a good Squad Leader.

“Man, you need to stop doubting yourself,” Chad nudged him with his elbow. “It was either here or out in the woods, you know that. We were about to fucking drop. At least we have some sort of coverage here, though I ain’t ever gonna’ let myself really relax until I’m back on American soil.”

Jared nodded absently, looking around the small village again. Everything around them was green. Even the huts around them were varying shades of green – depending on how long ago the roofs and walls were made or patched. Even though the ground beneath him was more mud than solid earth, Jared was glad that he wasn’t still pushing his way through miles of the thick grasses which grew almost as tall as his hips.

“You should get some sleep,” Chad said after a few moments. “I’ll keep an eye out and then you can cover my ass.”

“I’m not tired,” Jared shook his head and looked over his shoulder. “You go first.”

“Have you slept at all?” Chad asked but Jared only met his eyes once, raised an eyebrow, and turned back around. Chad sighed and rummaged around for something in his pocket, his elbow hitting Jared once as he wrangled whatever he was searching for free. Jared looked back at him again and Chad was holding out a pack of smokes. “Want one?”

“Why not.” Jared took one, let Chad light it for him, and watched the smoke curl from the end and tried to replicate the gentle swirl when he exhaled. They sat in silence once more, both lost in their own thoughts.

Jared tried not to think about home too much. The letters he received when he was at the base made his heart ache. He wanted to be there more than anything, he wanted to listen to Jenna laugh, eat dinner with his family, fall asleep in Jensen’s arms. Hell, he’d even consent to working with the cows if it meant it could get him home any faster. One of the first few weeks Jared had been here, after a few soldiers had come back bloodied and dying, the nightmares had started...

He was all alone, carrying enough equipment for all of the guys in his squad and searching for them in the woods. He tried to be quiet, stayed low to the ground, but every few steps his foot would get stuck in the mud and he’d have to fight and pull his way out. He needed to find his men, they were all hiding, calling out his name and it was his job to get them and give them their gear so they would be safe. Then their voices changed.

First, it was his parents calling to him… then he heard Megan and Jeff and Mackenzie. Then he saw Jensen and Jenna, running towards him, out in the open... in danger…exposed. He shook his head and waved his arms, trying to silently warn them… to get them to duck down and to wait for him, he had weapons to protect them with, and then the whole jungle came alive with the sounds of gunfire and Jared was forced awake by the sound of everyone he loved screaming and bleeding and dying in his head.

He didn’t need to think of them here. The memory of them didn’t deserve to be dragged into this and to be touched by this nightmarish war.

But on days like this, when Jared was filled with self-doubt, he needed a little reassurance. Tomorrow they would finish their mission, and although he refused to let the rest of his squad even entertain the idea, Jared wondered if it would be his last day here. There were so many things he wanted to do, and dying, bloody and damp in the middle of a rice paddy wasn’t on that list. But most of all, he didn’t want to be the reason that one of his men didn’t make it.

Jared wiped his hands off on his pants, making sure they were dry and as clean as they could be before he reached into the inner pocket of his ACUs and pulled out a battered letter. He’d read it so many times, he should have it memorized by now. He refused to let Jensen give him any pictures –of him or of Jenna—and he was glad he stuck by that. He didn’t need a reminder of what they looked like.

He carefully opened it up and smoothed it out as best as he could.

Jared,

Mack came up with this idea of writing you something before you even left, a way for you to know that you have something to come home to, something worth coming home for. You know how horrible I am about telling you how I really feel, but I am going to try my best.

Tomorrow, we are getting married, and I couldn’t be any luckier. You have changed me, Jared. You’ve made me better, and I could never thank you enough for accepting me as I am and being so patient with me. That is my first promise to you: I will be patient and love you through all of this - both while you’re gone and when you come home, as well as every day of the rest of my life.

My father came home a changed man, a horrible, unhappy man. And that has always been a fear of mine that I might become like him. Now, I have to admit, that my greatest fear is you will become like him. The rational part of me knows it’s foolish, that you and he couldn’t be more different, but it still scares me to think about it. I don’t want to ever live like that again. This is my second promise: I will tell you my fears, my worries, and talk to you so that no matter what, we can work together.

I already miss you in our bed. I already miss listening to you sing while you work on your wood carvings and furniture pieces. I already miss you reading to Jenna and trying to braid her hair and talking over the newscast at night. And that’s my third promise: I promise to miss you and think about you every single day, no matter how much it makes my heart ache for you to not be here. That way, you’ll always be with me.

You make me so proud to call you my husband. You have always been hardworking, strong, and intelligent. The men who are going to serve with you are lucky to have you at their back, I know because I’ve always had you at mine. Be safe, do what you need to do, and come home to us, to me.

I love you,
Jen

Slowly, Jared folded up the letter again, blinking back the tears that were forming in his eyes and slid the paper back into place.

“Needed some encouragement from Jen?” Chad whispered and Jared nodded once. “I’ve got your back too.”

“I know,” Jared whispered and gave Chad a small smile. He leaned back, letting his head rest against Chad’s shoulder and felt the other man lean into him as well. He supposed if he was going to die, at least he was in good company.

August 17th, 1970
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen didn’t know how to react.

Rain was pouring down from the sky in torrents, the roadway outside full of rushing water. He wished he was outside standing in it. The cool rain water could wash away everything else. Behind him, Mackenzie let out a soft, anguished sob and Jensen closed his eyes.

He should go to her, he knew that. He should wrap his arms around his sister and pull her tight into his chest, soothe her quaking shoulders and tell her he was sorry, so fucking sorry and that everything was going to be okay.

But he couldn’t.

“I need…” Jensen stopped… it wasn’t about what he needed, not right now, but he couldn’t be there. The living room was suffocating, and since Jenna had long since gone to sleep and Mackenzie could be comforted temporarily by their grandparents’ arms, he needed to get out.

Jensen ran from the room and shoved his feet into his boots. His grandfather was murmuring softly to the women, probably excusing himself to see if Jensen was okay, so Jensen ran. Running had gotten him somewhere once and he needed Jared more than ever right now.

He tore across the driveway, jeans and shirt soaked within minutes, the late summer rain cool against his skin. His mind kept replaying the look on the Army officer’s face when he came to the door. Who comes house-calling at night? Don’t they know people were busy eating dinner and getting children ready for bed and maybe even sleeping already?

“Ma’am, are you Mrs. Lee Seymour?”

Jensen closed his eyes and ran faster, his heart pounding against his ribs and his lungs burning.

“We’re so sorry to inform you…”

Mackenzie had never looked so pale so suddenly. Jensen hadn’t known what the hell was going on…

“There was a skirmish and Sergeant Seymour fought valiantly…”

Then Mackenzie screaming… Mackenzie falling to her knees and refusing anyone’s touch. Mackenzie’s quiet, anguished screaming hadn’t woken up any of the children. They slept through it all.

“No! No, you’re wrong, please don’t do this, you’re wrong, you’re wrong!” she had begged…pleaded… screamed.

A bolt of lightning lit up the sky and Jensen flinched at the thunderous crash that followed before pressing onward. It had been storming all night, the sky just as angry and weeping just as hard as they all were. A good soldier had died, Mackenzie’s husband was gone… forever. Her little boys and her unborn child had lost their father.

Mackenzie had reached for him while she was still crumpled on the floor, but Jensen couldn’t… Like a coward he had dashed out the door into the mournful, raging night.

He just couldn’t console his sister because part of him was relieved… so grateful it wasn’t Jared. He had felt the world stop for an instant and then it was a moment of relief over the name the officer had spoken. Then at the anguished look on his little sister’s face he had felt such horrible guilt for that tiny rush of joy. And what kind of person did that make him? Glad that the officer at the door was telling them his sister’s husband was killed and not his own? Jensen stomach twisted and he paused for just a second to calm the roll of nausea.

As he broke out onto the field, another blinding bolt of lightning lit up the sky but this time it struck so close it shook the ground beneath him and a wide-eyed Jensen staggered to a jolting stop then, hunched over and emptied the contents of his stomach onto his boots. When his vision cleared after the enormous, sizzling white flash, he was able to see the damage the bolt had caused.

“No!” he screamed, his voice drowned out by the rain and the thunder.

It was stupid, foolish to put so much stock into something inanimate, but this tree was theirs. It represented their life, their love. It had been with them from their very first day together. It had been their silent companion for all these years, through times both good and bad… Had been their shelter so many times…their comfort… And it in the blink of an eye it was suddenly gone.

Jensen moved closer, blinking back the tears and the rain in his eyes. The trunk, where the lightning had sliced through, was still smoldering. More than half of the tree’s lush, thick branches lay crumpled in the field, the broken, jagged part of the stump badly charred. Jensen reached out and pressed his trembling palm flat against it and let his tears fall. It felt like Jared was gone, too.

“Jensen!” Albert screamed across the field, but Jensen ignored him, he couldn’t move.

This was payback. God was finally punishing him for his sins, for his thought of relief that it had been Lee’s name spoken. Jared was gone, Jensen knew it.

“Jensen! Christ, boy! Get back inside!”

“He’s gone,” Jensen whispered, then repeated it louder. “He’s gone, he’s gone!”

“Jensen, stop it!” Albert grabbed his shoulders and spun him around, eyes searching those of his grandson. “You’re going to get yourself sick standing out here.”

“I don’t care! He’s gone!” he sobbed. “God’s punishing me!”

Albert shook him hard then, Jensen’s head snapping forward once and he met his Grandfather’s eyes in shock. With a stern look, the older man took control, “You cut that out right now, do you hear me? Jared is not gone, don’t you dare give up on that boy now. Even if he was gone, you would still have us! You have a little girl that needs you, and right now you have a sister who is worried about you when she should be focusing on herself and her little ones!

“You ran out of there like a bat out of hell, Jensen. I can’t begin to fathom what you and your sister are going through with your men over there in that damned war… I can’t begin to understand what Mackenzie is going through right now with her loss. But I do know that she needs her brother right now, someone that has even just an inkling of understanding for her pain and you owe her that! That girl has been by your side and loved you through everything, and you damn well owe her the same.

“God willing, Jared is safe, as safe as he can be. That boy will come home to you, Jensen, but only if you stick with him. Bad things happen to good people, we’ve always known that, but I’ve seen that boy try to move mountains for you. Right now, this is about Mackenzie and her kids, your family, and for tonight, Jared is safe.”

“Our tree…”

“I know, Jensen. I know. But the tree is not Jared,” the old man insisted.

Jensen nodded once and hugged his grandfather back tightly, letting himself be comforted for a moment before he pulled back and straightened his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he cleared his throat and together they made their way back to the house.

“Don’t tell that to me, just show me. Go be there for your sister.”

“Yes, sir…I will.”



Art by 2blueshoes


Master Post || Chapter Thirteen || Chapter Fifteen