Underneath the Oak Tree -- Chapter Eleven

[lotrspnfangirl]

July 25th, 1965
Somerset, Vermont

Jensen exhaled slowly, raising his arm to wipe the sweat from his forehead and then lifting his hand to shield his eyes against the sun. Today was hot, the sun brutal as it beat down on them. Even sitting atop the tractor going at a nice clip across the field, Jensen felt like his entire body was melting.

He sighed, cutting the engine and leaning back against the hot, black leather seat, forcing himself to ignore the burn on his bare skin as he looked out over the fields he’d just plowed. He bit the inside of his cheek and leaned forward, resting his head against the steering wheel.

“You okay?” Jared’s voice made him jump, and he looked down to see Jared looking up at him with concern. He had a bandana tied around his head, keeping his hair back from his face, and his shirt was soaked through with sweat.

“Yeah,” Jensen nodded, slipping off of the tractor and accepting the bandana Jared pulled out of his back pocket for him. He wiped down his face and then reached up to grab his t-shirt, pulling it over his head before giving Jared a quick kiss.

“You looked like you were lost in thought up there…”

“I just…” Jensen stopped and shrugged, looking past the front of the tractor to the field he’d just spent the last two hours plowing and getting ready to plant the next cycle of late summer crops.

“Thinking about what your grandfather said last night?” Jared said slowly and Jensen turned to him, a small smile on his lips.

“That’s why I keep you around,” Jensen answered, patting Jared’s arm before walking back towards the barn.

“I know you, Jense,” Jared whispered, moving after him and grabbing his arm to stop him. “Talk to me… please?”

“I don’t know what there is to say… The numbers kind of speak for themselves, don’t they?” Jensen refused to look at Jared and focused his eyes on the ground instead. “We’re losing money, people are more than happy to head to the local grocery store instead of their local farm stand. It’s costing more to ship the milk we’re producing than it takes to…” he stopped again and shook his head. “Don’t think my grandparents thought I would have sunk the place in under five years…”

“Don’t talk like that,” Jared’s voice was sharp and Jensen found himself fighting back the urge to roll his eyes. Jared just… didn’t understand. “Jensen, it’s just a small bump in the road, a bad year… But we have people who come out to the farm specifically for the fruits and produce we have grown right here. Loyal customers who want your produce and not something shipped in, banged up and halfway past ripe by the time they get it in their hands.”

“Loyal customers who are only loyal because they grew up with my grandparents and already struggling to make ends meet, never mind the fact that I can’t accept their food stamps and—” Jensen clamped his mouth shut again, finally looking up to meet Jared’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Jay. I can’t fuck this up… I can’t lose this farm.”

“Jensen, you’re not going to,” Jared shook his head, reaching for Jensen’s hand and taking it in his own. “I hardly think a few bad months is reason to start panicking…”

“My father still hasn’t made a move,” Jensen whispered and he saw the understanding cross over Jared’s face.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Jared asked, shaking his head. He pulled on Jensen’s hand, pulling him against his chest before wrapping his arms around his back. “Jensen, he’s all the way in Texas…”

“You don’t know him!” Jensen argued, shaking his head. He returned the hug quickly before pushing away, glancing over Jared’s shoulder to the front of the farm and the driveway. “We’re down in profits this season, perfect time for my father to come in and start something…”

“Like what, Jensen?” Jared scoffed and Jensen threw him a glance before continuing onto the barn. “What the hell do you think he’s going to do from across the country? Tell everyone in Texas that his son is a fag? Who cares, Jensen! Who cares what he says or what he does! He’s not a part of your life anymore!”

“Just… never mind, Jared.”

“Don’t do that, Jensen,” Jared snapped, reaching for Jensen’s arm again. Jensen twisted out of his reach and spun back to him, suddenly angry that Jared didn’t seem to understand.

“He grew up here, Jared. He still has friends here! He could very easily tell anyone he went to school with or grew up with that ‘yes, a faggot runs this farm’. And do you know what that would do? I could lose this farm, Jared. I could fail at the one job I’ve ever been given and I can’t… I…” he shook his head, kicking angrily at the ground with the toe of his boot and sending a small rock flying through the air. “They could take Jenna from me.”

“You’re her father, her biological father, Jensen. No one is going to take her from you…”

“You don’t know that, Jared. You don’t know. You think that just because we’ve been lucky… it will stay that way?” he asked, shaking his head. “For the most part, our families have been accepting, have understood or at least decided to look the other way to the fact that we’re in a relationship. And I’m glad, I’m glad that I get to do this with you. But, they’re the minority, Jared. And I’m ready for our luck to run out.”

“Your sister is here,” Jared said and Jensen turned to him, confused. Jared simply shook his head, and pointed towards the driveway where Lee and Mackenzie were getting out of their car. “We’ll talk more about this later.”

Jensen sighed and watched as Jared stalked off, heading to the barn after throwing a quick wave to Mackenzie and Lee. Jensen sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before heading towards the driveway to meet his visitors. He had a smile at the ready but quickly pulled it back when he saw the grim expression on their faces.

“Mack?” Jensen called, walking faster until he was at his sister’s side and pulling her hands into his own. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Lee is being deployed,” she whispered, voice breaking as thick tears slipped down her cheeks. “He’s being deployed, Jensen.”

Jensen felt his stomach clench and he looked up to meet Lee’s eyes. Lee nodded once before looking away and down at his feet.

“But…” Jensen felt like he was grasping at straws. Mackenzie sobbed once and threw herself into his arms, clutching the back of his shirt as she sobbed into his shoulder, seemingly not caring that his shoulder was slick with sweat. “Marriage deferment?”

“That’s only for consignment…” Lee sighed, shaking his head. “I’m already in the Reserves. We found out yesterday that our platoon was being shipped out. I’ll be getting my orders tomorrow, most likely.”

Jensen felt Mackenzie’s grip tighten and he stared at Lee, not knowing how to respond. There was nothing for him to say. They’d all heard the newscasts saying the number of Reservists and National Guard soldiers being deployed would be increased, as well as the number of air strikes against North Vietnam, but Jensen didn’t think it would happen so quickly. And he never thought that it would actually affect him personally.

“My sergeant is thinking we’ll be doing support missions in the South… so…” Lee trailed off, his eyes raking over Mackenzie’s body and he sighed again.

“Let’s head inside.” Jensen suggested after the silence became tangible. He could almost taste it, sour on his tongue, and he steered Mackenzie towards the house without waiting for a response. Once Mackenzie had calmed down, she left Jensen and Lee alone in the living room to search for Jenna.

“This wasn’t my intention,” Lee said after a moment and Jensen released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding before turning to look at him. “Three years left on my contract… I didn’t think I’d end up going.” He laughed, the sound was mirthless, short and clipped.

Jensen didn’t know what to say. He nodded once, and folded his hands in his lap, sinking back further into the couch. Lee cleared his throat but seemed to get the message and stayed silent as well. From the kitchen, they could hear Jenna babbling excitedly to her aunt about something funny the chickens did that morning and the song that her papa had made up to put her to bed last night.

They sat in silence in the living room until Jared and Albert came to join them, and then they talked about the weather, the crops and Mackenzie. Anything and everything except for the Army and Lee’s upcoming deployment.

Dinner was served and eaten quickly, Jensen barely tasting anything that had been put in front of him before he excused himself and slipped back outside to tend to the animals for the night. When he was finished, Mackenzie and Lee’s car was still in the driveway and Jensen felt dread forming in the pit of his stomach at the thought of going back inside, getting Jenna ready for bed and being made to talk about the dreaded deployment again.

“Jensen!” Jared called his name and he turned, grateful for the distraction. “Come on,” Jared held out his hand and Jensen took it, twisting their fingers together and letting Jared pull them across the road and onto the wooded path. A sense of calm flooded Jensen the moment they approached the oak tree and Jensen turned, sliding his hands over Jared’s cheeks to curl around the back of his head and pull him in for a kiss.

They sat against the tree, kissing softly until the sun had fully retreated behind the tree line. Finally, Jared spoke as he wrapped his arms around Jensen’s stomach and pulled him back against his chest, tucking his chin against Jensen’s shoulder so they were cheek to cheek.

“He’s not going to come back like your father, Jensen.” Jensen inhaled sharply, stiffening in Jared’s arms. “Mackenzie is worried for her husband going to Vietnam, but you’re worried for Mackenzie.”

“She deserves better than that,” Jensen replied and Jared nodded, kissing his cheek softly.

“He’s not your father. This is Lee and he loves Mackenzie as much as I love you. That’s not going to change.”

Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Their conversations usually steered far from Jensen’s family, save for Mackenzie herself, though it never failed to surprise him just how perceptive Jared really was, how quickly he was to hit the nail on the head –every single time when he did speak of the family dynamics.

“Trust me,” Jared whispered against his neck and Jensen nodded, letting himself sink back into the warmth and security that Jared never failed to provide. Jared tightened his hold, humming softly until the chill of the night was too much to ignore.

November 21st, 1965
Somerset, Vermont

“Jared?” Jensen called out, feet crunching in the frozen grass as he made his way to the barn. He’d finished the morning chores already and eaten breakfast with Jenna quickly before the sun even had a chance to completely rise. Jared hadn’t appeared at breakfast, in fact, Jensen hadn’t seen him since he’d gotten out of bed that morning….

“I’m in here.”

Jensen made his way through the main part of the barn to the back corner where they’d created a sort of workspace. He almost laughed – for someone who was still terrified of the cows, even at twenty-one, the fact that Jared had adopted this space as his own?

Jared was bent over a large block of wood, slowly dragging his pencil along it. Jensen came up beside him, leaning around his arm to look at the pattern he was designing.

“It’s a crib for Mackenzie…” Jared said as he finished the last swirl on the end and laid the pencil down. To the left of Jared stood a half made crib, and it already looked beautiful.

“She’s going to love it, Jay,” Jensen smiled, squeezing Jared’s hip and then leaning up to meet his lips for a kiss. “You didn’t have to do this…”

“Yeah, I know,” Jared smiled back, but it was sad and didn’t meet his eyes. Jensen watched him for a moment before reaching for his hands and turning him around.

“What is it?”

“Nothing… just busy…” Jared shook his head, trying to pull away.

“Jared…” Jensen stopped him, reaching up with one hand to cup his cheek, forcing Jared to meet his eyes. “You have months to build this crib… so what has you out here in the cold, skipping breakfast and alone?”

“Nothing… I just want to get this done, show Mackenzie…” Jensen nodded once, squeezing Jared’s hands. He waited, knowing that the other man was seconds away from cracking. He could see it in the way Jared’s eyes flicked away from his, never stopping long enough to actually meet his gaze and the way his tongue was flicking over his lower lip repeatedly. “I just…” Jared sighed, ripping back one of his hands to run it back through his hair. “I’m never going to have this, you know? Megan and Mom were talking last night while they were cleaning up for dinner about how Megan would be the next to get married, to have babies and…” He stopped again and shook his head, turning away to brace himself on the workbench, head dropping down between his extended arms.

“No one ever mentions it, but they all know… Jeff got married, he has two kids already, and next is Megan because I’m never going to have that. I’m never going to get married or have kids of my own… And I can see how that hurts my mom… Almost every time I mention Jenna or we start talking about Jeff’s kids, she gets this sad look and doesn’t want to talk any more. Because she knows, we all know, that I’m never…”

“Jared,” Jensen reached for him again, wrapping his arms around his waist and pushing himself up against Jared’s back. Jared stayed leaning on one arm, his second arm coming up and around to meet Jensen’s hand. Jensen held him, his face flush between Jared’s quaking shoulders.

They didn’t speak, they didn’t need to. Jensen just held onto Jared until his breathing calmed and his grip loosened around Jensen’s arm. Slowly, Jared relaxed and Jensen turned him around, pressing him back against the workbench.

“You have Jenna,” he said softly, watching the emotions flicker through Jared’s eyes as he stared down at him. “You’re her father, just as much as I am… I know that she’s not yours yours but—"

Jared cut him off, sealing his lips over Jensen’s, both hands tugging his face forward.

“I love you,” Jared breathed against his mouth and Jensen smiled, kissing him softly.

“I love you, too.”

March 3rd, 1966
Dover, Vermont

“Fuck,” Jensen swore, hitting the steering wheel with the flat of his palm.

“Jensen, calm down.” Jared tossed him a look before turning his attention back to the road. They were sitting in Gerry’s Mercury, heading across Somerset to Mount Snow and into the next town. Jensen had been prepared, he swore he’d had everything ready that he was going to need, and he was planning on heading to the next town over to be with Mackenzie at the beginning of next week. Because he wanted to avoid this, the traffic of people crowding around for one of the last good ski weekends of the season before the snow started to melt.

Mackenzie’s child, apparently, had other plans. Jensen had almost dropped the phone when he answered it, Mackenzie calmly telling him that she was in labor and if he could please come and pick her up to bring her to the hospital, that would be great.

Not for the first time, Jensen cursed Mackenzie’s stubborn decision to stay in the house Lee purchased for them at the base of the mountain. Although she was close to her in-laws – both of them responsible for running the ski lodge—they were both busy, and therefore, not available for Mackenzie when she needed them.

Jensen almost called them himself and demanded one of them take Mackenzie to the hospital so she didn’t have to wait the twenty minutes it would take him to get there but Jared stopped him, reminding him that Mackenzie would be more than a little upset if he interrupted their work day when she was perfectly fine.

Finally, Jensen drove up the gravel driveway, cursing as he stepped out and his foot hit a slick patch. Wasn’t anyone sanding or salting the driveway? Mackenzie could have slipped… Mackenzie met them at the door with a smile, but her skin was clammy and pale.

Jensen panicked.

“Shit,” he whispered, reaching for Mackenzie’s arm and leading her down the steps. He walked slowly, pointing out patches on the ground that looked slippery until she snapped at him.

“Jensen! You’re worse than Lee would ever be! Just let me get into the goddamn car!” Jensen bit his lip, swallowing back his reply and let Mackenzie lead instead. Jared had shifted into the driver’s seat and was laughing behind his hand. Jensen glared at him and climbed into the backseat with Mackenzie.

“Okay, do you know where you’re going?” Jensen asked, leaning forward.

“Jensen, if you’re going to be a backseat driver, I’m going to make you drive,” Jared warned him, backing the car back onto the street.

“I can’t… what if Mackenzie needs me?” Beside him, Mackenzie snorted and then gave a small groan, successfully snapping Jensen’s attention back to her and not on Jared or the road.

Jensen hadn’t been there when Jenna was born, had only gotten the call after everything was done, and part of him was glad. Every few minutes, Mackenzie would have a flash of pain cross over her face and she would clench her teeth and tightly squeeze Jensen’s hand before settling back into the seat and trying to calm her breathing.

“Do you think we’ll get to the hospital in time?” he asked, voice breaking as Mackenzie squeezed his hand again. He was surprised when she let out a full bellied laugh.

“Oh, Jensen… this is just the beginning,” she assured him with an amused smile.

He stared at her and sat in silence, save for the reassuring word or two he muttered to his sister, until they got to the hospital.

Jared parked the Mercury and went into the building first to get a wheelchair, meeting Jensen and Mackenzie in the foyer, a nurse at his side. She immediately took over Jensen’s spot, talking to Mackenzie about timing her contractions and the level of her pain. Jensen and Jared followed after her but were stopped just before they got to the room.

“We have a waiting room just down this hall, you’ll see it on the left,” the nurse smiled at them and Jensen looked alarmed between Jared and his sister.

“But… she’s going to be alone?” he asked, reaching for Mackenzie’s shoulder.

“Are you the father?” the nurse looked between them.

Mackenzie shook her head slowly. “No, he’s deployed right now.”

Mackenzie received a soft pat to her cheek and then the nurse’s attention was back on Jensen. “I’m sorry, Sir… We will let you know as soon as labor is completed.”

She gave him a brilliant smile and wheeled Mackenzie into the next room, shutting the door behind them. Jared touched Jensen’s arm, lightly enough to get his attention, before he started off down the hall to where the waiting area was. Jensen sighed, hesitated a moment more, before he followed after Jared.

March 4th, 1966
Dover, Vermont

Kaleb Ross came into the world screaming, a healthy baby boy and Mackenzie never looked more beautiful. Somehow, Mackenzie convinced them to let both Jared and Jensen into the room, claiming that they were her only support system as of right now. She may have insinuated that they were both her brothers—but Jensen wasn’t going to complain.

He held Kaleb in his arms, watching as the infant slept, and felt his heart already melting. He thought back to what it was like to hold Jenna when she was this small, so fragile and innocent. As clichéd as it sounded, Jensen could picture it so clearly in his mind, as if were only yesterday and instead of six and half years ago.

Jared’s arms shook when Mackenzie slipped Kaleb into them, and she smiled as she ran a hand through Jared’s hair, telling him that it was going to be okay and she trusted him not to drop her child.

Jensen saw the moment Jared’s own heart melted, and something inside of him broke when he realized that Jared would never really have anything more than this moment, of holding other people’s children close to his heart, but never feeling that surge of emotion, both dread and joy, that the child in his arms was his.

Jared looked up at him, his eyes swimming, and he smiled, flashing his dimples. “He’s perfect, Mack,” he whispered, rocking Kaleb gently in his arms. He turned from Jensen and met Mackenzie’s own wet, green eyes. “Just perfect…”

By the time they left that night, promising that Albert and Martha would be coming to visit the next day and that Jensen would be there to collect Mackenzie and Kaleb when they were all set to go home, Jared was vibrating with energy.

“God, he was so tiny, Jensen!” he burst out the moment they were back on the road, holding his arms out before him, hands cupped as if he were actually still holding Kaleb in them.

“Yeah, he was,” Jensen said softly, trying to gauge Jared’s reaction. He wasn’t sure if Jared was seconds away from breaking down about not having this for himself or if he was just—

“I’m so happy, Jensen,” he beamed, reaching over and squeezing Jensen’s leg. “I’m so happy for Mackenzie and Lee, so happy they get to have this. Can you imagine what Jenna is going to be like when she finally gets to meet her new cousin?” He laughed again, the sound making Jensen smile and release the tension he was feeling. He looked over at Jared who was smiling out the window.

It never failed to astound him just how amazing Jared himself was. Over the past few months, Jared had made it clear that he wanted kids, had even gone so far as poking around –using Megan’s help occasionally—about the adoption process. Not that anyone would ever allow a single man to adopt, much less a gay couple to do so.

But right now, Jensen could tell there wasn’t a single trace of jealousy or animosity in Jared. He was truly happy for Mackenzie, he looked at her as he would his own sister, and her son was already a part of Jared’s family.

“I love you,” Jensen whispered and Jared turned his head to give him a small smile before he leaned over and kissed the side of Jensen’s neck softly.

May 4th, 1967
Austin, Texas

Jensen shifted uncomfortably, the Texan sun near unbearable as it beat down on him in his fitted, black suit.

He should be home, working the fields, getting them ready to sow the corn and the first round of summer vegetables. Mackenzie stood beside him, her hand small inside of his, Kaleb held up on her opposite hip. Jensen went through the list of things he’d left Jared in charge of.

He knew that both Jared and Gerry, and of course his grandfather, knew what they were doing on the farm. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been living there year in and year out, helping Albert and then Jensen keep the farm running.

Jared had done maintenance last week on the tractor to make sure the old girl was up and running and ready to go. Gerry and Albert had spent the last month repairing the parts of the fence that had been damaged in last winter’s ice storms. Jensen had finalized an agreement with the local grocery store to section off an area to sell Ackles’ Farm produce and dairy, and things were looking up, things were good.

Jensen squeezed Mackenzie’s hand once, running over the list again in his mind.

Plow the fields. Sow the corn. Plant turnips and carrots and cabbages. Start the green beans and peas in the barn to be transplanted closer to June. Fit the tractor with a ‘roll-guard’.

He let himself think about the Fischer Farm, the only other farm as big as the Ackles’ Farm in Southern Vermont, and how they’d decided to sell off all their livestock and equipment, keeping only their horses and land. Jensen had acquired a good amount from them and was secretly grateful they’d folded first.

He ran over the list again. Plow the fields. Sow the corn. Plant turnips and carr—

Mackenzie squeezed his hand hard and he looked up, breathing catching in his throat. He tried to focus on the words being said, the sound of the priest a dull buzzing in his head, like a bee had gotten caught and was spinning around and around in his head. A soft sob broke from his sister’s lips, the sound squeezing his heart, and he wished more than anything that Jared was there with him. Jared always knew what to say to make things better… would have Mackenzie and Jensen both laughing, or at least smiling.

He exhaled slowly, trying to focus back on his list. Turnips and carrots and cabbages…

Alan was suddenly beside him, his body stiff and eyes cold. Jensen felt himself freeze, his heart beating wildly in his chest, and he stared forward, eyes unmoving as he watched the coffin lower into the ground.

He waited, waited for Alan to start something, to say something about his lifestyle while they were surrounded by their family and friends. He focused on that… the fear churning in his stomach at his father’s steely gaze and the acrid scent of gin and vomit that surrounded the man in a thick haze.

When Alan left, he breathed easier, and focused back on his list.

Cabbages… and carrots… green beans and peas and…. He closed his eyes.

Mackenzie slipped her hand from his, leaning over to kiss his cheek before she left him standing alone in the grass. When he opened his eyes he saw that Josh was waiting for him, hands shoved deep in his pockets and watching Jensen carefully. Everyone else was gone.

Slowly, Jensen walked forward, taking his spot beside his brother and they stood shoulder to shoulder, looking down at the marble headstone before them.

Jensen wanted to focus on his list. He wanted to worry about the possibility of it not getting completed because he wasn’t there. He wanted to focus on the fear and anger he held for his father. He wanted to focus on anything except for what was staring back at him, etched in stone.

Josh cleared his throat once and Jensen looked over at him.

“I didn’t know,” Josh whispered, voice breaking, and Jensen only nodded. He hadn’t either, neither had Mackenzie. No one had known until after the fact, when they were being told about the service and the funeral and given less than a week to make plans to get down to Texas.

Josh’s voice was thick, and though he didn’t look at Jensen, Jensen was aware that Josh’s full attention was on him. “I can’t… I don’t want this to… This can’t be us, Jense. I don’t want to find out like this, after the fact, if something’s happened to you. I… I may hate what you are…” he whispered, shaking his head, and Jensen’s eyes burned. “I do… I hate it because it’s not…

“You’re putting yourself at risk, you’re choosing the hard path, Jensen. And I hate that I can’t fix it for you or make it easier. I hate that you chose this… but… but… I don’t hate you. I know I haven’t been… Mackenzie’s given me more than one earful about how I’ve been treating you about all this…” He stopped again and waved at the grave before them. “I didn’t know, Jensen. I didn’t know that my own mother was sick and dying… I can’t have that happen to you, too.

“I miss my brother... I miss having someone to talk to, someone that has my back and I don’t need to watch myself around. You were my best friend, Jensen…” the anguish in his older brother’s voice made Jensen’s heart ache. “And after you told me what you were… and at Mackenzie’s wedding… I just can’t understand why you would choose that… that kind of life for your daughter… for yourself, you know…? Why you would choose to… I don’t know…” Josh’s voice broke off unevenly as he choked back a quiet sob.

“Josh,” Jensen reached for Josh’s arm, gripping his bicep tightly. “I can’t change who I am, or who I love. I’m sorry… but I just can’t. I just wish you could understand.” His red-ringed eyes pleaded with his brother, wishing he knew the words to make Josh see Jared as he did.

“I know, Jense… I’ll try…” Josh whispered hesitantly, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t… know what to say here, Jensen. I just want you to be happy… and I want you to be my brother again... That’s what I really want... I don’t want to be told that… that some god-awful thing happened to you and end up standing at your funeral and not knowing who the hell you were anymore.”

“I’m not pushing you away, Josh. This… this was Dad being spiteful… angry at all of us for just…” Jensen stopped, shaking his head. “Nothing like that is going to happen to us, okay? We are family… you, me and Mackenzie. We are family and we’ll have each other’s backs, okay? Always.”

Josh turned to him, glancing up to meet his younger brother’s eyes and nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Jensen.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Jensen replied, squeezing Josh’s arm once more before letting it drop. They stood together in silence, looking at everything but one another or Donna’s fresh grave before them. Their mother was gone, and Jensen had a multitude of emotions running through him that had continued to circle about him ever since he’d gotten the phone call to come to Texas.

He leaned into Josh carefully, tentatively laying his head against his older brother’s shoulder like he used to when they were kids, and when Josh made no attempt to pull away he focused on that. Focused on the fact, that even if it was only for right now, he had his big brother back...

Master Post || Chapter Ten || Chapter Twelve