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lotrspnfangirlAlright, so, it's been a little while and I've been kind of MIA.
I've been going back and forth between taking a fandom break or not, and I think I am just going to stop picking up projects for now and focus on the things I can handle. My mind is not into writing -- I tried, and it's either been so completely depressing or just crap that I can't even look at it anymore. Graphics are okay, when I can sit still for more than 15 minutes. My anxiety has been really bad. I am thinking about calling them about getting something like ativan or valium but I don't want to start a new medication right before my surgery and have that cause some strange complication that will prevent me from having surgery.
So, I am having anxiety attacks a few times a day. The one I am having right now has lasted for... 45 minutes so far? I swear to God, I am being tortured by my husband. For someone with anxiety? This is just complete hell.
So... husband. Right. Well, he's still pretty set on the fact that he wants a divorce. I have his ring now and he's taken it upon himself to just act like an asshole every time we talk. He will 'always love me' and he 'cares about me' but he's not in love with me anymore and finds there's no reason to work on our marriage or our problems because walking away and getting divorced is just so much easier. Even though he's stated, and I quote, "all of our issues could be worked on or repaired, I just don't want to."
I am apparently unattractive -- looks or because I've gained a bunch of weight over the past few years, I don't know-- I am controlling and he's sick of feeling like he's not good enough. Oh, and don't forget (as he likes to remind me) he doesn't love me. Well, I don't know, but none of those sound like reasons for divorce without actually trying, but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.
So right now? I am at my mom's house. I moved out yesterday so that I can be here to get help with my surgery (which is in 5 days!) and also because I wanted him out of his parents house. They were making things way too easy for him -- buying him a bed, furnishing his room, getting him food and making him three meals a day... I mean, yeah, they're his parents, but you're going to enable your 25-year-old son to just walk out of his marriage without a reason? I mean, if there was abuse, cheating, substance use... okay. But really?
So now he has to do everything at the house. I gave him all of the bills to do, I am dropping off my laundry when he isn't home, he's got to bring the roommate back and forth. He has everything. And I am just at my mom's, with my laptop and PS4 and... it's kind of nice? Except I miss my home and my bed and my dogs. I miss him too, despite the way he's been treating me over the past month.
So day one? He's already texted me a bunch of times for clarification or help on the bills.
It may be foolish... but I am hoping that it kind of gives him a reality check and helps him get his head out of his ass to work on his marriage. Trust is going to be a huge thing we have to work on, there's a lot of things we have to work on, but as long as I am married I am going to fight.
Maybe that's stupid... but I don't know what else there is to do except continue to pray and continue to hold out hope.
I've been going back and forth between taking a fandom break or not, and I think I am just going to stop picking up projects for now and focus on the things I can handle. My mind is not into writing -- I tried, and it's either been so completely depressing or just crap that I can't even look at it anymore. Graphics are okay, when I can sit still for more than 15 minutes. My anxiety has been really bad. I am thinking about calling them about getting something like ativan or valium but I don't want to start a new medication right before my surgery and have that cause some strange complication that will prevent me from having surgery.
So, I am having anxiety attacks a few times a day. The one I am having right now has lasted for... 45 minutes so far? I swear to God, I am being tortured by my husband. For someone with anxiety? This is just complete hell.
So... husband. Right. Well, he's still pretty set on the fact that he wants a divorce. I have his ring now and he's taken it upon himself to just act like an asshole every time we talk. He will 'always love me' and he 'cares about me' but he's not in love with me anymore and finds there's no reason to work on our marriage or our problems because walking away and getting divorced is just so much easier. Even though he's stated, and I quote, "all of our issues could be worked on or repaired, I just don't want to."
I am apparently unattractive -- looks or because I've gained a bunch of weight over the past few years, I don't know-- I am controlling and he's sick of feeling like he's not good enough. Oh, and don't forget (as he likes to remind me) he doesn't love me. Well, I don't know, but none of those sound like reasons for divorce without actually trying, but I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.
So right now? I am at my mom's house. I moved out yesterday so that I can be here to get help with my surgery (which is in 5 days!) and also because I wanted him out of his parents house. They were making things way too easy for him -- buying him a bed, furnishing his room, getting him food and making him three meals a day... I mean, yeah, they're his parents, but you're going to enable your 25-year-old son to just walk out of his marriage without a reason? I mean, if there was abuse, cheating, substance use... okay. But really?
So now he has to do everything at the house. I gave him all of the bills to do, I am dropping off my laundry when he isn't home, he's got to bring the roommate back and forth. He has everything. And I am just at my mom's, with my laptop and PS4 and... it's kind of nice? Except I miss my home and my bed and my dogs. I miss him too, despite the way he's been treating me over the past month.
So day one? He's already texted me a bunch of times for clarification or help on the bills.
It may be foolish... but I am hoping that it kind of gives him a reality check and helps him get his head out of his ass to work on his marriage. Trust is going to be a huge thing we have to work on, there's a lot of things we have to work on, but as long as I am married I am going to fight.
Maybe that's stupid... but I don't know what else there is to do except continue to pray and continue to hold out hope.
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Date: 2015-12-24 03:08 am (UTC)Big, squishy ones. Because why not.
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Date: 2015-12-24 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 04:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 08:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 03:28 pm (UTC)Thinking of you and sending you love and care. <3333333333333
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Date: 2015-12-24 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 07:25 pm (UTC)